Serious advise

I am the last  person on earth from whom you should or would take advise but over the past couple of months, at least since I started working, epiphanies have been hitting me like a goalie gets hammered by some slap shots in a game of hockey ( yes I do love ICE hockey), anyways here are 3 important things to take note off and please do take them seriously, have been screaming these points repeatedly to people I meet, especially my niece who is thinking about a career.

1: LOVE YOUR SCHOOL DAYS : While most of the core group of readers would have already started attending college, if you are one of the few lucky people still in school, cherish every damn moment of it. Trust me, when I was young all I wanted to do was leave school and go to college/work, let me hit you straight, there is nothing better than school, love them assignments, love them exams, the worst that could happen to you there was a bit of a scolding but you would be off the next day. "Work" ended for you at 3 PM max, ok in the more important years it would be a little longer but your weekends were free, summer vacations were vacations and well you would have time for something called life.
Love school, don't pass attending everyday of school, you get hundreds of moments, make every day count, these days WILL NEVER RETURN AGAIN.

2: DO NOT PURSUE AN MBA FOR THE SAKE OF IT: Hell this goes out for almost every whoring post grad/grad course us Indians want, engineering, doctors and MBA's. The country is over run with them and if you do it from a college which is not elitist to say, you are fucked, paid low, worked more and given absolutely no respect. MBA's are a dime a dozen, do something which you actually want to do, even if it means starting with a lower package, the biggest obstacle is society but fuck that, its better than suffering later on, cursing every week day plus the work culture in India sucks as it is, 6 work days and all.
Another something like 40 years more of this work life for me, damn it.

3: WORK IS NOT ITS CRACKED UP TO BE: Talked about this in an earlier post, work is not as fun as it should be, especially when you are a young kid with no experience, just try and get into some domain which interests you else you are getting jacked on a regular basis because you are on the lowest point in the food chain and well everyone will eat you up for even the most smallest of errors.
The day I get a junior  working under me, its gonna be a tragic life cycle for that junior, that's a certainly, all the anger is going to flow out like the puss that oozes out from a huge pimple on your face.
 

Kidderpore/Ekbalpore: A city in a city

Living in a city with a population of close to 5 million is not easy, vast stretches of land with tons of teaming people, the hustle and bustle of a so called Metro city and now work being another variable put into an equation called life.

Fortunately for me, I live in an area called Kidderpore/Ekbalpore which I used to think was just a noisy little neighborhood with randomness and the typical days of life just passing by. Never did I think this one area would actually serve a much larger purpose in life.

For close to 5 years I commuted to an area called Salt Lake for education, my graduation and post graduation courses were done in this area. Roaming about was a necessity as with most college students because no one in their graduation does ever go to class , rather bunks class to roam about freely and explore said world.

Now coming from the "city" of Kidderpore where there were constant fights in school, mad people running about and throwing stones in front of shops, violence on the streets, having our own version of the "bull run" during Eid [yeah ZNMD has nothing on what I have seen] and other random acts of awesomeness, Salt Lake seemed to pale in comparison. It was a ghost town, no matter what time you roam about in that area, barring the office zones, the rest of the place is dead.

I mean I have roamed around at 7 AM, barely 10 people on the street and a long stretch of land that was too, 5 PM same case, not one person can be seen in the balcony of the many houses that litter the street, not many people can be seen on the road. Compare that to Kidderpore, be it 7 AM or 7 PM, or 10 AM or 10 PM there are at least 20-30 people doing nothing but roaming about and having a jolly good time with their friends and all. In fact when I stay awake after a Champs League match , roughly 3 AM there are people on the street just sitting about, probably got kicked out of the house by their wife or they must have been tired from the constant nagging but the point is the place does not feel dead , its bustling with energy, be it in the crazy winters we get here now or the scorching hot summers, Kidderpore/Ekbalpore is the place to be for random madness on the street, people should be charged for sitting and watching the world go by in this area because its just that brilliant.

Cases of awesomeness, 
Random fights on the street thanks to the drones of STB students around , every single freaking day with the fight never really taking place [most of the time] this was just a way to make new friends and "bhais" actually.

Crazy lady out near the shops with bricks in her hands chasing random people while the police are busy extorting money from the big trucks.

The traffic jam post 10 PM because of the huge 16 wheelers [not 18] taking the one route through Kidderpore to reach the dock.

At least 20-30 random people on the street 24/7

The amazing celebrations and dance during the puja,christmas, new year, diwali, holi etc etc etc all dancing to the tune of "It's my life" and "Saath Samundar Paar"

The randomness and awesomeness of having a china town like market in your own backyard and being to search for amazing deals and cut prices [Fancy Market]

The running of the bulls [cows] during Eid.

The chasing and beating up of a local goon if he ever is caught , when he tries to steal shoes/slippers from outside the Mosque/Temple.

The brothel located right next to a bakery and tailor shop where the women are always on the lookout for men calling them obscene names and making said obscene gestures.

The hoard of hospitals/nursing homes/pharmacies for God knows what reason, I mean literally there must be like 10-12 nursing homes and 4 hospitals in a radius of 500 meters.

The hidden gem Momo stalls and awesome road side "Popular" biryani/haleem stalls.

The football matches/cricket matches and tournaments held during Independence day where everyone is Messi and all the players play for United or Chelsea or Barcelona when they register their teams name.

The random Kaku going berserk on the street because some "punk" kid is riding his bike at a crazy speed in a locality.

The random abuses thrown about in front of children not caring one bit about destroying the future because none of us ever had one.

Yes Kidderpore might not have the beauty of the city, nor will it have the "educated" culture that the city is known for, actually we do have a kick ass cultured educated side, Chintoo Lee and the others from STB [minority of toppers] would attest to that, this neighborhood still has an amazing charm and feel to it, would not swap it for anything.  


Last but certainly not the least bit of Awesomeness comes from St Thomas Boys, KIDDERPORE.


The one and only.

The Theory of Relativity

Almost 18 years ago , a certain Saiyed Adeem Karim started attending pre school, which was fun as the said lad had nothing much to do in school. Waste time away, play with a ton of toys, a little introduction of alphabets and numbers, nothing too strenuous.

School was not all that bad back then, it was fun , easy and most importantly fun, I know i put "fun" in twice, I can't remember what happened a few weeks ago let alone something that was almost 2 decades ago. The fact is that school was fun.

Then started the crap and oh dear lord how I started hating school, the homework , the heavy bag, the screwing me over with the timings, in Calcutta, school was from 7:30 AM till 1 PM, but in Dubai it was from 12:30 PM to 6:30 PM,my initial reaction was that of astonishment and resent as to how I would come back home on a regular basis after my dad and after the friggin sun sets.

Resentment, then came school in Calcutta , AGAIN, this time it was St Thomas Boys , most of the regular readers would know how much I was tormented and tortured during the initial years at STB and how I broke down into tears for the only time in my life due to some emotional crap that was thrown at me,when I was in STB , how much I missed the school in Dubai,Our Own English High School was heaven, literally and STB was hell, passing out of STB though was fun, I wont lie , STB taught me a lot and gave me my best friends, and of course taught me how to abuse ,kidderpore style.

Then came Techno India, college life promised so much and I ended up with almost 5% of what was promised, hot chicks? Nope, Cool Classes, BCA? WTF was I thinking?, Bunking? and go where? everything near college was miles away,Great Like minded FRIENDS?, just one, again I thank lord i found one of my best pals in this college as well,and now damn I missed STB and I still do , a lot, the only good thing to come out from the 3 years was Subhajit, one of my best pals and then the fact that I barely went to college in the 3rd year.

The came Globsyn, again I thank the lord I found my long lost brother here and a few brilliant friends, but again the whole MBA college being fun was a ton of crap and as usual I would have gone back to Techno India in a jiffy.

Now its summer internship time, first job of my life, and as usual the expectations don't match up to reality, work is hard, maybe because we are interns for like 2 months max but man work is hard, its barely enjoyable , although that could be because of the fact that I don't like working for real estate but still these 2 months are gonna be torturous there still is hope though as IF and a big IF I do go to an office or a job that I do like maybe life will be better and again as the topic says, life was better in the classrooms of GBS , the fun,madness and masti is totally missed.

Life often is portrayed in a different way and what we get is completely different , I always hated whatever institute I was in but as soon as I moved away from one place to another, the former place was always better than the latter, hence the theory of relativity proved!

Pre School > Primary School >STB >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> College life >College MBA life > Work?

Of course one thing I would like to point out,if I had a choice to go back to any of these phases,lets leave work out for the future, STB would be the one stage I would pick,that madness can and never will be repeated

STB STB!!
Jeet ke aaoge!

Retardos

Now of course you people know about the ton of retards in me school,some of em were really freaky,the studious group often constituted of the gays,and there is this incident when a couple of studiays[thats studious gays] were chatting to one another another,and they had some argument so one gay slapped the fuck out of the other,i think it was sourjo or anirudho who got slapped,now what would a Mard/man do if he got hit,that to way fucking hard,well heaven and hell would open up,the skies would have hailstones falling and wrath would be unleashed on earth,but hell no the chakka decides to poke[like that facebook poke] the other guy and then retorts
"I believe i hit you"
Gay cunt

Then there was August Muni who was actually retarded,once i remember,in fact me pal told me that often Muni would sit in the last bench of the class and play around with his ding dong bell[penis,dick,laura for all of you who dont know what i am talking about] and he would do this regularly
But i must say this,he was the best penalty kick taker in the world,no one could ever guess which way he was gonna go coz he was cock eyed,i kid you not,i dont think anyone ever saved any of his penalties

Of course there was Imrano ronaldo gaynaldo,who thought he was cristiano ronaldo,he certainly got that gay persona perfectly in college though,i remember chatting with him in class 10 when he said that if he would do well in these board exams his dad would take him to,again i kid you not,manchester and he would try out and get into the MANU U-17 team and would play for em,that dream changed and he then wanted to go to Anderlecht in Belgium coz it was a sister club of MANU,that didnt happen also,
Imrano's greatest joke of course was that regarding Mr Forran,a teacher with whom we played a lotta football during thw winter vacations in out school,everyday at 6 AM we would go to the field to play,one such saturday chintoo and i reached the field and no one was there barring imrano who told us that
"Mr Forran has gone to Canada......he wont come back"

A few weeks later school opened and funnily enough we saw Mr Forran walking around
we went to him and asked him
"Sir we heard you had gone to Canada....how come you are here back"
Forran replied
"Who told you this?
That imran gadwa right,bloody fool has been telling everyone i have gone to Canada,i bloody told him i was going to Kerela"

That of course wasnt the only time we made fun of our dear imrano
as probably the greatest 2 liner ever made by any student in STB,here it goes

"Imran gaya kathmandu,imran gaya kathmandu
sab usko dekh kar bol....GANDU GANDU GANDU"

The case of the missing shoe

My school is known for all the gundas and criminals from all around the locality,from threatening the cricket team,to starting a fight,to throwing hot
tea at the face of college students,STB were always numero uno in crime.So it should as no surprise that some stealing and looting often occured in school from mobiles to pens to even notebooks to text books ,you leave all your stuff behind at your own peril.

So again it should come as nothing new that i was also the victim of a criminal activity,which turned out to be he stupidity of an asshole.
As i said a lot of things would often at me school and since we were the science students we often had to visit the labs,physics,chemistry,biology and computer labs were all used exclusively by us,the 3 science labs were ok but the computer lab had this one quirky rule that whoever would enter would have to take off their shoes,fro some freaking reason the teachers were allowed to wear shoes in the lab but not us,so we had to leave the shoes on a rack outside the lab.

Next to the lab was the class of 12 E,the most notorious sons of guns in our school,they would fight,abuse and tr to beat up not only themselves but the teachers as well,they locked up a teacher and made him see a porno as well.We had like a hour of computer lab classes once a week and whenever we would come out of the class the shoes would magically dissappear,they wouldnt be on the racks but "mysteriously" they would be found beneath the staircase all in a heap.Fucking class 12 E assholes would throw em everytime they had a chance.That was stlll fine but a few weeks after that a fatter pal of mine came up to me after the computer class as he couldnt find his shoes,the dumb sons of bitches stole his pair of shoes.Size 9 they were i remember and since he was a bengali he wa in fear of returning home without his shoes,but he had to face the
brunt of walking to his bus without shoes ,only in socks.

He did have to ultimately buy a new pair but a few weeks later i was the next victim,as i came out of the lab and me pals were putting on their shoes,i couldnt find my pair ,frantically i searched every nook and corner of the floor ,even below the staircase but it wasnt to be found,and as usual my computer teachers were of no help at all,saying they cant help me at all, and that i should have been more careful wilth my belongings

Me pal rohit[chintoo] and i were searching all over and i was made to walk back to me class on socks when sumitano dickhead comes running over to me and tells me

"Hey Adeem remember Abhijeet sur[the guy whos shoes were stolen previously"
"yeah i remember that fat ass"
"Well you better catch him fast coz i saw him grabbing a pair of shoes from the rack and he kept it in his bag"

So off we went followed by an angry mob of 5 because i was fucking pissed off at walking almost 200-300 metres without my shoes,he was fortunately standing next to the triangle island we had near our building and since it was recess he didnt go off to class.
So i confronted him

"Hey Suar why did you take my shoes"
Sur:"I didnt take your shoes ,these are my shoes"
Me:"From where the fuck did you find em"
Sur:"I found em at the shoe rack,these are my shoes which i lost a few weeks back"
Rohit:"How the fuck do you know these are your shoes?"
Sur:"Coz they are size 9"

Thats when we all blew our fuses,what the fuck is he the only person in the world who has size 9 shoes,look at the fucktards audacity to not only steal a pair,keep em in his bag but also expect that no one else would have size 9 shoes fucking asshole
Nevertheless he did have to return my pair of shoes back ,he did realise his mistake after we threatened his ass off,but i did feel his pain though i didnt have to walk a lot of distance without his shoes,you could say i did walk 300 metres in his shoes.

My name Jaki Kabir

St Thomas' is like a goldmine for a diverse range of students,we had the gays,we had the straights,we had the bisexuals,we had the comedians,we had the abusers,we had the quite folk,we had the geeks, we had the nerds,we had the losers,we had those perfect people,we had the jocks,we had the cocks,we had it all cept of course females coz its an all boys school and of course we had the good old
fashioned freaks of nature.

The first few pals i made in the school turned out to be the freakiest bunch ever,one guy became a drug addict in fact two of em are hardcore drug addicts ,another is an alcoholic,but no one takes the cake like my good friend Zaki Kabir does,i mean he is so freaky you dont even need to get him drunk to watch him in full flowing action.

Built like a typical tough guy ,the only reason people didnt consider him tough was coz he was way short,i mean not very short but if you are shorter than me i will pick on you every single day of your life,the dude did have a good set of muscles and all that.A decent enough sportsperson and all around complete retard.

He would often come to my class,during recess,just to see us,most of his good friends were in science and he was in commerce,or he would come just to fuck around i dont know,and all off a sudden he would just start singing any romantic song is his loud booming voice for no reason,i cant remember which songs but for sure some SRK movie songs,and as ever present there would be one guy sitting on
a desk oblivious to what is going on ,he would not even be part of the group or even the conversation but as soon as he would hear some music on ,boom he would start banging on the desk ,keeping a set rhythm while Zaki would keep on singing one song after another,fucking medley.

Then of course since he was an STB student ,he was always on the verge of starting a fight,often his singing would lead to a build up to a fight ,but we knew the drill he would never fight ,he just wanted to show he wasnt fazed or scared of no one,still we would play the part of peace maker,holding back the 2 people who wanted to "rip" each other to shreds
"Nahi bhai chorr de woh bachcha hai"
"Kya Zaki chor na yaar sala har din ladhai kyu karta hain?"

The greatest hits collection of Zaki constitute of some of his craziness and absolute stupidity,for example one day we were waiting to cross the road,now if you people dont know Calcutta is notorious for hit and runs,especially by buses,and so we all are waiting for a bus to pass,the bus had slowed down to let off some passengers and was reving up to accelerate when

BOOOOOOM!......BOOOOM!

two fucking huge hits from his hand to the bus drivers entrance,and the bus stops in its tracks,the bus driver is flummoxed

Zaki:AAAAAEEEEEEE RUUUUUK RUUUUUUK .......
and he crosses unfaced ,while we scamper to cross the street,we were just gald the driver didnt step on the accelerator and run over the bloke but i guess Zaki could have stopped that also.

In class 10 he was the moniter of the class,trying to keep the class disciplined in STB is no easy job i can assure you of that,but Zaki would try his level best and as usual when the ruckus would be too loud and uncontrollable up would step the great leader of the masses,bang his hand on the teachers desk
shout out
"IF ANY BODY WILL TALK I WILL HIT YOU[pointing to babla]"
Babla:arrey hum kya kiya ,humko kyu marega?

and of course when a teacher would come to class ,Zaki would shout out
"Whole the class stand up"
yes we can....and we will.....

But the blokes greatest one liner still remains an amazing memory and this would happen on a regular basis,this conversation
Me:Achcha Zaki tum toh STB mein 12 saal se par rahe ho
Zaki:ha yes ha
Me:STB english medium school hain na bhai
Zaki:ha hain
Me:Achca toh tum 5 line english ka bol do without errors aur main maan jaoonga ke tum english jaante ho
Zaki:Theek hai Adeem......My name Jaki Kabir.....

WRONG!
The first fucking line is wrong and he had been in the school from class 1 right upto 12 and the guy couldnt speak one straight line of english,and the worst bit is that everytime,everyday i would ask him this question his response would be the same
MY NAME JAKI KABIR
MY NAME JAKI KABIR

Sports Day

We all know by now i am not the sporty type,sure i watch a ton of sports,especially football....GO LIVERPOOL GO.....but i was never cut out to be a sportsperson especially due to one freaky accident i had in class 1 when in me old school Our Own English High School Dubai ,we were having trials for the Relay dash,and we were asked to run from one side of the small field to the other side,now since it is
Dubai ,the small field was made of concrete,not grass but con-fucking-crete,BANG!.....went the gun i started running and by some freaky weird incident my leg got entangled with another kid's,i fell straight down,my faced scrapped the good old concrete,when i got up i was a bloody mess,the entire right side of my face was destroyed,i mean skin was dangling off and all,me teeth became loose and i couldnt eat solid food for like 2 weeks.That one incident got me shit scared as well as me family and they never forced me into sports ever again,they made me play the keyboards which is far worse......

So i spent 7 years in Dubai,skipping any and every sports meet possible,which means i got to be good old fatty boy,i have reduced a good bit now but back then i was a Big Mac.....so i came back to me home town Calcutta the city of joy and all that,STB well you must know what STB is like by now,check out my older posts if you dont have any idea at all,all is going fine,i mean day in day out i was getting
abused the first year,name calling and all that .....but one day during an assembly a teacher yells out there will be march practice and so the last two periods will be reserved for that...and then after the march practice there would be trials for certain events.

So after the 6th period the bell goes off,i am a new kid dont know nothing bout the school and i see almost all the students heading off into the huge field that we have,i mean its like 3-4 football fields if not more....and we had like the many buildings of our school surrounding it with a few benches to sit on,the field has all these track markings with white chalk and all,10 minutes pass but no one is marching at all,all i see are 6 groups of people standing about,a few teachers per group and the group contains just the house captains and a few blokes who do wanna march,everyone else is standing at the sides of the field for God knows what reason,which i am gonna find out soon.

You see no one ever wants to march,we are FORCED to march,so the march mayhem begins,i see from a distance that around 50-60 students come running from one corner of the field ,zoom by us and hide in the technical block,i wonder what is going on,the i see a similar no of boys run in another direction from the opposite side and hide in some classrooms,a few minutes later a prefect comes up
and asks me
"Hey you are Lytton?????"
I reply "No i am Reading"

Lytton,reading,wescott,vyse, and 2 more names were there i cant remember,these were the houses in our school,our school had so many fucking students we needed 6 houses just to accomodate em,so now i understood,guys were running away from their own prefects coz if you were caught by your prefect you were made to march your ass off for like an hour and 30 minutes,with constant slagging off and abuses by the prefects coz we "coudlnt march right" and that "we suck" the moter fucking prefects would never march in the heat just chase us guys around.

Oh and we did have some incentive to march about for like 3 weeks day in day out....we would score like 100 points in the sports day and we would get a large cake to be eaten by all us marchers,the reality was that the ake would get eaten by the prefects with us getting absolutely nothing,so the best way to avoid getting caught was to remove our belt and wear some other house's belt,
"Are you wescott????"
"nope reading"
"Are you reading????"
"nope lytton"

On and on and on we would go,i never did take part in any of the school sports days at all.....never even attended one to support my house,in fact we had a douche as out house captain QAM......that mofo would often catch hold of me and first of all demand that i go march and when i would refuse he would come and tell me that i would be the "anchor weight" in the tug of war competition,fuck off randi ,was my response on all of the occasions......

The sports day wasnt all about the marching tere were all those athletic events and all,most of these events were won by either the kids from Mizoram and all or by some anglo christian bloke,Lal Sangamanga Riki,Riki Junior,Riki Senior,Lalamapunga, and all.....so the sports day was actually some freak get together of the "other people" in our school........oh yeah i remember

Lal San Puiyaa....Saiyaaaan mann Guiiyaaa.....me pals know whats this about!

S-P-E-L-L-O-M-A-......oh fuck off

I dont really know what is wrong with the normal "sports" in the world,i mean football,cricket,hockey,motor racing...all are great forms of sport and competition,but for some reason thats not good enough for the americans,they came up with basketball,"american" football,ice hockey[ok give that one to the canadians as well] and the great american past time baseball.They are the only
people who do play these sports seriously and they win ,well most of the times barring Spain's gold medal in Basketball or the domination of The Soviet Union and Canada in hockey,and the best pitcher in the MLB is CC Sabathia who aint American and well the the best Hitters in the game are A Rod,Ichiro Suzuki and Big Papi none of em americans....well that just proves they cant win their own created games as well.....so now we know the reason for the creation of other crappy "sport" events ,like stacking,where they stack cups real fast and in formations and all,and of course the one craze which has hit almost every nation "THE SPELLING BEE"....which was broadcast on ESPN of all channels for a few years till ABC got the rights,you know where a stupid kid comes up and spells real hard words which no one has ever heard off and which no one ever uses,by the way the people who normally win this spelling bee are indian americans.....so there we go

As usual we Indians were not far behind,well actually STB was not far behind,trying to prove that it is a
modern school with a ton of talented and smart kids ,they came up with their own SPELL O MANIA.....which was held first in 2006 i think,i remember K C ,that english freaky maam who would make such crappy pronunciations of words....like ocarina was "oh-kareeena".....so she was one of the judges and heads in creating and organizing the entire competition,there was a prelim where the students were asked to spell out words on a paper and those who got most right would be selected,i didnt get through but a few of me pals did,Chintoo also got through but he was later told that he would have to be the Emcee or host of the FIRST EVER ANNUAL SPELLOMANIA of STB,wow what an honour.....Chintoo couldnt shut up for a couple of days,
Chintoo:I am going to be the host man,i will control the show....
he would go on and on and on and on until some one would shut him up......but that wouldnt be enough to tell him to cut the crap,he would continue later and go on and on.....but the Dark Lord's above and below had a special plan for his bloating and gloating

So as usual the day of he competition came,everyone was excited coz we would get to miss the last 3 periods of the day......yaaaaay.......but only the science students got that privilege,we went into the hall and saw that the teams were already on stage,the 6 houses were all present with 2 representatives for each house.....Rohit was on the stage with the mic getting all prepped up for his day.....and then KC
entered with a few more teachers and Harami Wheatley who as usual started off by saying that we must be quite,not make noise,be respectful....in his fucking pitiful english anglo 'i am so much better and whiter than you guys' tone....fucking randwa.......but as usual we didnt give a fuck to him and as per usual the show /competition started off much later than expected,so Rohit started off his speech....Chintoo[rohit] made the introductions and was using emacculate english,fucking geeko.....so as he is about to start the first round,KC jumps on stage and takes the mic from him and she also makes a crap assed speech,and as rohit is expecting the mic to come back to him,KC starts the competitions....rohit confused just stands on the stage.....while KC does all off the emceeing and all
that.....while Rohit ends up just passing the mic around from one set of contestants to another.......the poor bloke didnt even get a chance to ask one question....while KC was doing all her dramabazee...rohit was just standing in one corner of the stage and passing the mic whenever KC decided to make him a part.......

Rohit did have a closing speech but after the speech he was the joke of the month ,and as you people know me i wouldnt let him off the hook so easily,i mean he had to pay for his gloating...sala waiter ban gaya.....what was the most important thing you did all day???....oh yeah pass the mike....this went on and on and on till one day the "silent assassin" thingy came up thanks to KC again....that is a story for
another day....

We were part of a 2nd Spellomania as well,this time also it hink Rohit was the emcee....but whoever it was he did have more power and control over the show,the only funny bit was when Kaps Baba was asked to spell a word and he got it round and while we were applauding he raised his right hand Nazi style....right infront of our then Princi Fuller....who also looked like a Nazi with his Hitler Moustache.....well i guess thats why Kaps did do it.....just to impress another Nazi.....from one to another i guess....All H-A-I-L............TING!

The Gentelmens Game.....NOT [edited]

Cricket was a game created for all those tea loving snobbish blokes who had too much time to waste and too little time to get dirty,played exclusively in whites with only actually 4 men in the fold of the game,it was to say the least a easy slow game played by em British folk at the start before they decided to "spread" the game around[which meant colonization of a ton of countries including India].

The sport however has taken huge strides in India ,hell we are the best team in the world if not the richest and most powerful,but this is not what i wanted to write about,i want to let you people know how cricket was played in the fine institute called St Thomas' Boys School Kidderpore.

NOTE:I never actually took part in any of the sports but this is an account of what me pals chintoo[rohit] and babla had to deal with on a regular basis and believe me it was hilarious.

Both of me pals played for the same team[house,lytton] and they are real good players both of em were in the Bengal u9's and under 13's before they got sick of the corruption and they quit.
So obviously they were "star" players,in fact one of em was the captain of the team and they were playing for the most senior squad of the school the U20s.....so they werent crap

Although i did not see any of the games ,a lot of people have confirmed all of these "incidents" which i love talking bout all the time....so off we go

During one of the round robin games me pals had to play the team of the Gunda or at least one of the gundas of school Mahindar.....yup he was built just like the BOLERO ....fucking huge guy and well built and the fact that he was more than 22 years old made it hell to deal with him,he was like one of the Godfathers in school....everyone would call him "Bhai" out of fear and respect...

So "Bhai" was fielding near the boundary and ROHIT[it wasnt babla it was chintoo] was facing the first delivery of the game,was some bloke who was bowling cant remember who,so Bhai comes running all the way to Babla and....

Bhai:OO ladka bowling karega .....aur tum chor dega....out ho jayega first ball.......nahi to......
ROHIT:Ha ha bai no problems....theek hai

First Ball....WIDE
Second Ball....WIDE
Third Ball....NO BALL

Mahinder again comes running....
Bhai:Aye......KYA KAR RAHA HAI? OUT HONE BOLA NA??????
ROHIT:Arrey Bhai woh toh kharaab bowling kar raha hai
Bhai[to bowler]:Aye Seedha bowling karega.......woh baal chor dega

Next ball:Wide

Now Bhai was getting frustated.....
Next ball.......WHALLOPPED BY ROHIT......ITS A SIX!!!!!!
ROHIT turns to the crowd for adulation and celebration,then its all silent....ROHIT then realizes his error....MAHINDER IS PISSED ,HE IS RED AND HE IS BAYING FOR BLOOD.......comes up and warns ROHIT like they always did in STB
"Aaab tere ko bahaar dekh lega......school ke bahaar"
ROHIT is shit scared now but still he makes an amazing match winning knock....which knocked out mahinders team.....oh for shame
much worse was to follow as when Mahinders team came out to bat of all people......babla was the star fielder and he picks up an amazing catch and as he turns around the horror is pasted on his face....he drops the ball in fear as he just caught out BHAI!.....MAHINDER BHAI....BHAI threatened babla even more than rohit
later as babla is walking past school he spots mahinder and is about to run when

Mahinder:PAAALABHI NAAAAAAAAAAA PAAALABHIIIII NAAAAAA!
although he did catch babla he didnt do anything cpet congratulate him.....phew bullet dodged!

But of course since babla's team was playing so well there were bound to be repercussions.....so one day before another match a couple of guys call babla and chintoo towards em.....nervously they go towards em........
One guy takes out his hanky and in it is a piece of crumpled paper,actually its a crumpled page or something...babla cant get a good look......
The guy:Tu jaanta yeh kya hai????.....yeh BAIL certificate hai.....bhai ko police thoda din pehle chora ekbalpur thana se.....
NOTE:this bhai is another "bhai from school" not to be confused with mahinder
Bhai bola kharaab khelne toh tu kharaab hi khelega......and he walks away

Another guy comes who is from babla's house lytton and asks him what the other bloke said....to which babla laid out the details......the guy then tells babla.....[and again i kid you not......GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AHEAD.....]

the new guy:Koi tere ko kuch bhi bolega na....hum ko bol....hum uska maa ka "bur" mein ghoos jayenge.....ITNA BARAA BAAT HUM BOL DIYA.....

Dont know if the talk was big but that vagina sure as hell would be huge to fit this guy in

By the way Babla and Chintoo's team did win the tournament....they werent beaten up or anything....they were just plain old lucky.....not to get beaten up that is.

PS:THIS IS AN EDIT AS I HAD MIXED UP WHAT ROHIT AND BABLA HAD DONE TO "BHAI" DURING THE GAME.....

Bula Di jaana mein kaun?

This is not a article to bleat about the sexuality of India or the fact that we got a ton of HIV infected people and all that crap about using condoms and all,that is for another day when i actually have that "chance" of "doing it".No this is for the great maths teacher we got in class 12 to replace another freak.

The sad fact is that this teacher came to replace G Francis Sagunthar,i called hin shakuntala ,the guy was an amazing maths teacher but was an all and out freak,i mean he would start doing sums mentally all the time,speak in his crummy south indian accent,where the "yex"[x] is the same as "yes"[s]...for example

"The enneth term of the yexeth number is the whyeth term of the pee-eth number,if yex is yes and why is yay find the numbers"....what?
what?
no really what?

so when we heard that this bloke is leaving the school[to go to an all girls school] we all were happy[cept the geeks who loved the freak],we thought we would get a teacher who would teach us well or at least who wont be a freak but as usual its STB,we dont get that kinda luck.

So a day later came a teacher ,short and fat, ok looks dont count in school,and off she went to teach,well for starters she knew nothing about the subject and would try to force us to study,what ultimately became of around 35 boys trying to study ended up being 5 boys studying hard and the rest doing whatever the hell they like.

Me and me pals would just talk bout shit and watch the fun that happened in class,she would try so hard to try and control the students but to no avail,the bengali group would do their thing,the geeks their own thing,the comedians would do their own thing,for example akshay would put his feet up and use the table and his harmonica singing out Himesh songs one after another in his comical fashion

"TUMMMMMM ....................................DILLLLL MEEEEIIIN........SHAEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD HUAAAAA

five minutes of silence then

"AAAAHISSSTAAAA.......AAAAAAHIIIISSSTAAAA"

socks off,shoes off and off he would go on singing,in fact once one of his shoes got thrown towards the teach and it missed her fortunately,so akshay went all hop about on one leg trying to retrieve his one shoe.....and then came one of the best dialogues i heard in school,
the teach got pissed off at akshay and was trying to hit him[she never did hit him but still]
chintoo got so pissed off he blurted out
"MAAAR RANDI AUR MAAAAAR"
from that day she was called BULADI
we never found out her real name.....

another time the bengali group were playing cricket using an exam board and pieces of paper ,when one guy got pissed and threw a piece of bread as a ball and the bloke whalloped it,and it landed straight on Buladi's head,she didnt say nothing bout butter was on her.

The icing on the cake was when we stuffed her cell phone with porno,and this was an elaborate plan made with a lot of care and planning,
so one day she comes to class and as usual leaves her cell phone on her table,so while some of the gujju and marru party distracted her using the ploy of having problems with some sums,she became so happy that someone asked for her help that she completely forgot bout the cell,it was aatish,gokul,seta,harsh shah ,ripu all distracted her,then Guha[r.i.p] took her cell,switched on the bluetooth and trasnferred some shit into it.....man after that she never let go of her cell.........

the sad fact that we found out a few months later was she used to teach somewhere else,we would wonder where the hell would a cheap teacher like that teach,and then the beans got spilt,she used to teach and i kid you not in Bahrain,now for all those who are geographically challeneged,Bahrain is a small country near U.A.E,where i resided for 7 years,and when me pals found out about this they never let me live this down,mocking me and buladi every time she would come into class,damn it.

MAAAR RANDI MAAAAAR!

Raha Aaha Aaha

As usual i start off being totally indebted to the one and only STBS,which for some freaking reason is NOT a circus but is rather an established school [for freaks].The students are and always were freaky,take my case for example,but the freakiness didnt end up just with the students ,oh no,it would infect the teachers as well.

So we had a ton of freaky teachers to talk about but the one teach that actually stands out the most was and i presume he still is teaching is Mr Raha,now the bloke was a typical bengali teacher who spoke in that awful bengali accent and thought he knew a lot,he did know a lot coz he had the most degrees in teaching and all,so what does that mean in our school?
He taught,and i aint kidding about this,physics,chemistry,biology,math,bengali and english.
I think he did teach history and geography but i aint sure about that,and he didnt teach these subjects to the junior classes ,oh no sir, he would teach the 9th and 10th standards and all,but as much as you may think he was a genius ,he was a freak and a damn good one at that

One think you people must realize by now or at least i have come up with a "theory" that more a person studies/learns in life and by learn i mean academically,the more stupid and freaky he gets,raha was a prime example of my "theory",back to the topic.

Raha had a real bad accent but then most bengalis do,but his logic was the real killer in class,of course his grasp of the english language also would contribute to his downfall,for eg:"Mr Fulllaaar[Fuller our princi of that time] haas tooo daughtar ,both of them aargh gaarls",well of course they shld be

"Draw aaa carcle of aany shape",well that shldnt be hard at all should it?

But of course he wouldnt freak us out with his "one liners" related to maths or females oh no,he would do stand up comedy with unknowing participants from the class
there was a bloke called Tausif or something like that whose parents had been called by Raha

so here is what would happen everyday for a few days
Raha:Tausif where aargh your paarants??
Tausif:Aee sir father out of station ,mother sick

next day
Raha:Tausif where aargh your paarants??
Tausif:Aee sir father out of station ,mother sick

the next day
Raha:Tausif where aargh your paarants??
Tausif:Aee sir father out of station ,mother sick

and this went on and on and on till.....
Raha:Tausif where aargh your paarants??
Tausif:Aee sir father out of station ,mother sick
RAHA:AAAe FAATAAR MAAATHAR BRAAATHAR SEEESSTER ALL OUT OF STATION ALL SEEECK?

and then even after this rebuke when tausif didnt bring his parents Raha lost it and
Raha:Tausif you write on piece of paper...you aargh orphaaaan....write it now!

Oh and of course he is the one who came up with my favorite one liner of probably all time
so he comes into class all angry and pissed off,it was the moral science class and during that time the infamous Dhananjoy case was up [if you dont know this guy raped and murdered a girl]...so raha is real pissed,comes into class and ...
Raha:EVERYBODY DHANANJOY,YOU DHANANJOY[pointing at a student],YOU DHANANJOY,WHOLE SOCIETY DHANANJOY.........
wow i mean we didnt even have to piss him off for this one off freakiness

oh no....one day during winter we went to school and this winter was damn cold and frosty ,i was literally in layers of clothing and if i am in layers with all me fat still on me it was bloody cold,i see in the distance a hazy figure coming out from the fog and guess who?...of course it was him and get this he was wearing a shawl,a vest,a pair of shorts and a monkey cap.....thats it.....

and of course he also cldnt give up a chance to screw up when he tried to impress a pal of mine with his "grasp" over the english language,so chintoo[rohit] meets raha a year or so after leaving school and he is talking bout where he is goin and where and what he will do in the future and what plans he has[rohit that is]...raha listens to him deeply and comes up with

Raha:Yees yees its good....you should not bee a sheeep without ladder...

Rohit thinks to himself "why the fuck shld i be a ship without a ladder?...."
then he understand raha meant "rudder"
we shld not be a ship without a rudder.............
Touche mate well said.....

Then and Now

A long time back when we[people close to my age] were young ,people who would act nuts were simply called nuts.A person who acted freaky would get labelled "mad" by the other family members and were told quite strenly to "stay away from so and so"...."dont talk to them much" and the whole shebang was on.People would avoid meeting that said "mad" person,and they would just be left alone away from all the hastle of family meetings and the sort of thing that makes you wonder if a family and its members are all that they are cracked up to be.

But now in this modern day and age everything is changing and so rapidly,i mean people who are not even close to mental problems...and when i mean mental problems i mean serious ones ,are getting pyschiatric help for small ridiculous problems like being overweight or even the great "depression",dont get me started on the depression thingy,a person is so so sad that he is suffering from depression and he needs help from a shrink,for fucks sake,when i was unhappy my parents would go like
"why are you sad?"
i would reply "aww nothing "
"yeah it better be nothing...or else"
that "or else" would scare the shit out of...which most of the time meant a great deal of shouting and rebuke thrown all over me,not to mention a beating once in a while,the beatings did stop after class 7 though,but they sure as hell made me a decent respectful member of society....well it actually hasnt done any of it.

Of course the good old days were miles better,life was oh so simple,you had freinds and thats it,there wasnt "love" or "hate" or "unhappiness",life was so simple that the most enjoyable thing in the world was just going out in the open and fooling around with a few more kids,we didnt have to think of the "future" ,our future or someone else's,we had no pressure to do well in school,ok most indians did have that pressure,i did as well but that pressure wasnt as severe as it is nowadays.There also wasnt the so called love problem which thanks to the raging hormones inside any teen cause a ton of tension,and of course there wasnt the addiction to pornography,come on all of you have got that bug sometime or another, dont fucking lie.

Nothing much has changed in my behaviour though over the past couple of dacades,yes i am 2 decades old now,sheesh with one single grey hair which everyone seems to notice somehow,oh and the acne ,man oh man what i wouldnt give to have a clean,clear spotless face.Back to me behavior,most of my friends are crazy and abusive and we personally dont give a shit to the public surrounding us,we constantly abuse and curse,but most people dont get em.

There are a few plus sides to growing old of course,i mean my parents dont haul me up anymore about my colourful language,neither do they say anything anymore to me watching porn,i have been caught a lotta time .....guess they have just given up on me.Some things are still there like a night curfew or the fact that i must let me parents know where i am going in advance and all but thats just a minor price to pay for unlimited abusing and the sort.

The most important thing i must tell out now is that in a few years time i will be out working and such and i probably will become everything that i hate,grouchy,busy,working,i would probably have no fun,no free time,wouldnt be able to abuse,meeting with friends would get reduced,i would have to start being accountable for my actions ,be more respectful,be more logical,be more attentive,be more energetic,be more useful.




But.......
Most people say that as you age you gain maturity,well i have aged from a stupid idiotic toddler who would say stupid things to a 20 year old guy who still says stupid things,i have matured from a kid who when he first learnt a few bengali words would use em everytime for no rhyme or reason at all...to a guy who learns abusive words of different languages not really caring bout the actual language,DragonBall Z is still one of me favorite cartoons,so are Dexter's Lab ,I Am Weasel and the rest of the amazing Cartoon Cartoons and of course my relationships with girls hasnt changed much,cept for that one girl who we all know about,so all in all i havent actually matured even one bit in 20 years and may i live like this all my life
PS3,Music,Porno,Football,Friends,KFC what else does a guy need?

Q.A.M

Q.A.M aint some special task force ,they aint like the R.A.F[the rapid action force which gets deployed in certain dangerous regions to control the crowds]...no my friends i am goin to introduce all of you to a freak,idiot,loser....unlike myself of course....all my freakiness is classy not crassy......so QAM is/was and unfortunately will always be..Quazi Abdul Mabud....he was one of me class mates for a year in the lovely little city called STB[St thomas boys for all you ignorant losers]....now QAM was not like the normal STb guys ...which isnt a good thing....he was more like most of the people i seem to meet in calcutta[i will get to that in me later blogs]....

I met the bloke in class 8 when i first came to calcutta.....a decent enough guy he was,,,athletic,dark skinned....but nevertheless a good bloke....at least that was the first impression of him that i got....of course he turned out to be a pain rite up the asshole.....like a 12 inch cock up a virgins ass....thats the kinda pain he has become....

why do i hate him ? i hate almost everyone but some people just have a special place in me heart like this guy[more people are gonna get ripped soon].....

for one this guy thinks he is the greatest thing to ever happen to our school,people tend to forget the greatest thing to happen in our school is actually our proximity to kidderpore....and its people of course......so now i will give you all true incidents as i always do......

1: he always tries to be a teachers pet:i remember once his mother was very ill.....now a normal person is not expected to be cheerful and rosy all the while...i know there will be doom and gloom rite on their face...this bloke went to a teacher for no apparent fucking reason....blurted out his "sad" thing and then the sir told us that we should sympathize with/for him.....i dont know why the fuck will i let everyone know if i am having a shit time in life......but still i can give him the benefit of the doubt for this one case

2:during an examination in STB....a peon came over to check on the different electrical devices in the classroom...coz we had a habit of destroying school property......and one fan was not working coz the blades were bent almost to 90 degrees.......so the peon tried blaming us......but we shot back saying we didnt do it.....when later a teacher asked us outside the class as to what had happened.....QAM jumped on his cheap ass and started letting the teacher know everything in his broke ass english and then tried to show the fucking fan in its right angled position
"madam.....the fan is laik theeeees"[i know the correct spelling of all words in quotes but i gotta explain as to how this loser would speak]

3:sports :since the guy was pretty athletic he was made the house captain or some shit like dat.....so every time he would threaten the then fat kid me....
"i will make you march all day.....you hae to take part"
"you have to be the 'anchor' for the tug of war"
this would happen every year

4:the l'aura':since the guy was later made as the school vice captian.....really he was .....he had this shit hole aura bout him....thinking he was probably one of the best students around in STB....and so he had "authority"....i took care of that

so one day while we the class 12 students were returning home after our exams....some class 5-6 kids saw QAM....and they started you know oogling him...
"look look its the school vice captain"
"he must be relly respected"
"how can we be like you?"
they asked him
the dumbass actually replied back
"hard work and study well....then you can be like me"
fucking douche bag never was ranked even in the top ten in any class....probably failed KG as well....so i took care of levelling the field
i shot back
"yeh yeh hai humlog ka vice captain?
he cant do anything......nothing he can do.....bloody useless fucker......."
and of course followed by my loud obnoxious laugh....[which took a lot of years of training]........the kids also started to laugh...so did a few of me pals......
QAM retorted back....
"Adeem if you dont stop...i will make you cry..."
yeah like by talking away all me porno....dumb loser.......

he even called me once for help coz he was...get this.....watching porno over the internet with a pal in his pal's place....and he couldnt delete the "history" from the internet explorer.....
i replied "i cant help you....i use firefox...."

the king of all comebacks was of course shot out by babla.....while we were in class 12....there was this huge john cena hype...he had this "i quit" match.....so QAM comes over to us and starts blabbering away in his cheap ass english...
"blah blah blah.....when i am done with you ...you will have two words to say.......
I QUIT!"
babla retorts
"no the words will be
AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE RANDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"
that shut him up for good......

The Farewell

The day finally after 12 years of schooling [2 in bombay 8 in dubai and 6 in cal]...i was out of school for good....well until my results came out but i did pass so kiss my ass.....anyways the last day of school [unofficially] was the day before our ISC exams began........so all i thought was of havin fun and all....but some teachers came 2 ruin the party and started teachin.....damn em
me classmates tried their level best 2 persuade em 2 stop but they wouldnt listen so it was time or our weapons....the greatest of em was....ignorin the teachers completely.......but alas it didnt work and they went on teachin coz of a couple of assholes who sat right in front and would nod their heads for no reason....[partho..........ass]......then the last couple of periods started...and our giddiness came out all us class 12 A and B boys ran out and didnt care bout teachin
i remember one incident where some 12 A boys were catchin hold of any class 12 student and like 15-20 of em would pile on that one bloke.....and these guys were really nice though they would amke sure that nothin could harm or nothin could break........when they piled on me one of em asked for me glasses and watch......THEN THEY PILED ON ME................
some parents were like "eiiiiiiiii chele school e pore?.....eei chelera toh goonda lok"[cut me some slack me bengali aint great but u know what i mean]
the things didnt end there u know the normal rituals of rippin the shirt and writin stuff on the shirt went on also......
i went home with half of me shirt on me ,1/4th in me bag ....1/4th in someone else's hand...also the assholes ripped me vest ...i looked like a cheap student who didnt have cash 2 buy proper clothes and i had 2 walk like 1/2 a mile 2 get 2 my house...........damn

OFFICIAL EXIT
our official exit came on the 2nd last day of ISC thats the day of the 2nd language exams....[mamata di had kicked all the computer science students ass's coz of her bandh we got our tests postponed].......and we were like scolded from the morning be4 we went 2 the exam hall by teachers "DONT LEAVE THE HALL FAST...DONT DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we were like fine fine we dont wanna go before we break some furniture and all......
even before our "last" exam togethere began....we were all ready for a riot....as soon as we got a glimspe of the invigilators we all started clappin like hell.....teachers came 2 calm us down .........scared ass's there........and when the exam got over .........then the real shitness started
WE WERE MADE 2 SIT IN OUR SEATS
NO MOVIN BOUT AND ALL..... ALTHOUGH I DID MOVE ABOUT...BUT WAS PUT IN ME PLACE........then they started handin us out some napkins....
all of us were like "hey cool at least our school did give us something ....the cheap bastar**".........then our oh so new princi came and gave us a borin half arsed speech...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
then came all the office staff and started servin us food packets......[ok that was nice though]....and finnaly the worst bit came our teacher personally gave us goin away cards......which were 4*4 cm cards on which was written
"No matter if u stand on cactus
AIM FOR THE STARS"
then came the best bit
while we were seated a peon came around and handed us some tissues
since we are assholes and rascals some of the guys started clapping and cheering
"aaeee at least school napkin diya......
yay....napkin de deeees hai....."
which was again met with another strict disciplinarian speech by the "new princi"...who was the old princi of the girls school.....oh yeah we did get a box o food....chinese that is.....so i cldnt complain.....fried rice and chikcen manchurian....of course the typical gujjus and veges complained.....they did get their boxes changed for a vege one.....but come on who likes vege food?

back to the speech which didnt make sense....and oh yeah the "personal" bit was that each card had out names written on it means that some ass teachers pet did that part.......heres lookin at u again partho.......who dont u just burn and rot in hell.......no hell is a good place 2 be actually rot in a place where there are no teachers ......oh yeah thats torture for u asshole

EVS.....oh dear lord EVS

We all can agree that there sure as hell is a lot of industrialization going on all around the world ......the rate of pollution has sky rocketed over the past decade or so....strict laws have been implemented for emissions and protection of the environment.....but all this is secondary.....we the "young" must know about the environment...how to protect it....sustain it.....make sure it aint polluted....and i guess this all must start with knowledge about the environment.....so in the summer of 2006 when we class 11 students came back for the new session we got a little surprise....we had a new subject to study for the ISC's[yes we all could hear the collective groans and moans.....]...ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES or better know an EVS.....which was made a compulsary subject for all students from 2006....

now that was ok....i mean it is important for all of us to learn about probably the greatest natural resource and all....and so to impart knowledge there must good teachers who will do the needful....but unfortunately what we got was a crying whore and a gutless creep.....so lets get it started

for all the class 11s and 12s we got a teacher called Mrs Chaudhury or something like that.....but that wasnt her name....her name was Sonali Basu Roy Chaudhury...why would a person have 3 surnames?......well we knew the answer to that....becoz everyday when she would come to class she would look like a whore....and i am not exaggerating ......really sloppy make up...always panting heavily....and the fact that she was probably one of the few "good" looking teachers made it an even greater problem for her to cope with us "boys"....
yes we boys didnt cut her any slack at all.....as most of us...[barring the good boys like me and me group]...would really wanna "get" her real bad....but then she would often do really stupid idiotic things which made absolutely no sense whatsoever.....

for example it was rakhi....and as usual time for something stupid for this lady to do....so she decides to tie a rakhi on every guys wrist.....yes again collective groans could be heard a mile away.....the commerce students were really upset....with a certain guy even telling maam "kya maam bhai bana diya?"...what else would she make of him?.....then there was the crying ...OH DEAR GOD....every alternate day she would cry and sob for more than half the period......
"THE SCHOOL TREATS ME BADLY"
"THE SCHOOL DOESNT WANT ME HERE"
"THE TEACHERS DONT LIKE ME"
"THEY DONT LIKE ME BECAUSE I TREAT ALL YOU LIKE MY BROTHERS"
dear lord she went on like this everyday...once in a while she would pop up with real crazy comments.....like once we were all shouting and screaming in the class as usual....and she was trying to control us....she gave up after a few minutes and she sat down and started sobbing....now we learnt that the best way to deal with her is to ignore her....so she cried some more and then shouted out
"I CANT HAVE CHILDREN"......
baaaaam utter silence .....everystopped ....no one was moving and we all just stared at her....and she explained as to why she cant have any children...[she couldnt bear em for some biological reason...]....but the point is you dont say that in front of anyone let alone in front of the STB students........

she even had time to accuse one of the accounts teachers of sexual harrassment....now he didnt do nothing...but apparently did send her some lewd sms' which offended her...and as usual she made a big deal out of it....and i was the one who broke the news of the teacher to the students of my class....well that is one good deed in my life....
sadly the teacher was forced into leaving the school.....

the other freak i was talking bout is a guy called Talukdar....JOY TALUKDAR...although i never did have a class with him .......he was the other evs teacher....and one incident made headlines....well at least in my school which again is a big deal.....
so it was an isc exam and joy was just passing by the big auditorium where the commerce students were seated.......and just to show he had balls....he caught atif[a goonda] on the school cheating or talking with some other kid in the exams hall.....and he said something to atif....

atif crouched on his seat and blurted softly
"fuck you"

well talukdar heard that and took matters into his own hands or mouth i should say
he turned around and shouted loudly in the hall
"FUCK YOU TOO"

wow....amazing....why dont days like these happen everyday?

Mirzanoor

This blog is about probably one of the greatest students ever to have graced our fine school STB,i am of course talking bout Mirzanoor whose second name i cannot remember.....yes this guy was and probably is one of the shining members of our school but he was never known for his academic brilliance like you all must think....well you all must know by now that my school wasnt known for its academic performance.....well the girls school was always wayyyyyy better than the guys school.....as i was saying this guy MIRZANOOR was/is a small kid in STB who would always speak in bengali but when he spoke in english it was hilarious....last i heard about him was that he was driving a cab around calcutta and once was caught red handed shop lifting at Forum.....yes the same one i go to see flix.......

one of his best and meanest jokes was on a bloke called Alistar....by the name you would know he was a white guy as we indians called an "Anglo" i remember just a couple of Anglos in me school Cedric and Alistar......so as per all norms the minority group is always picked on by some other low life....i was picked on quite a bit during my early years but i had never seen a white guy getting picked on
well that was until i came to STB that is.....
so Alistar apparently had this amazingly hot smoking gorgeous sister....and so mirzanoor would often go to him and shout out to his face
"AAAIIII HAAAAD AAAAEEEE FOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKK
AAAAIII WEEEELLL FOOCCCCCKKKK SUZZZZAAAAAANNNE"
suzane was of course alistar's sister.....but the funny thing was alistar never retorted back.....i guess he was really scared coz he was a minority in the school or at least in the science batch on class 9-10

Of course Mirzanoor didnt pick on just the white guys in school.....oh no...he wouldnt leave anyone let alone one of the most lame ass teachers ever Dr Alok Sarkar ....who was a biology teacher,now he was a typically bong...the glasses...the cheap shirt....the bad accent.....the punctuality...the etiquette....and of course being ball less .......
so one day he was showing us an experiment as to how some plants produce oxygen underwater....you know the one in which a plant is kept underwater and it produces oxygen bubbles which rise up from the bottom of the water and rise to the top.....so the experiment was on and the teacher/sir/loser Alok was waiting fo the bubbles to rise....and when they started he asked us in his cheap bong accent....
"Boyz wheeech gaaaass eeessss theeees?"

mirzanoor was sitting rite up in front next to Alok and said
"Sir thees is Fooocking gas.......
Focking gas......."
now normally a teacher would slap the student ....but since this was Alok all he did was tattle and tell all to the Bio head Pachu....yes his name is pachu gopal dutta....i dont make this shit up ....i just tell it......and of course pachu took no action as well.......losers

but its not that our dear friend mirza never got what he deserved....he was taught a lesson once....by one the students in fact a guy called imrano.....yes the same guy who uploaded a ton o pics on orkut as to how "cool" he looked[he actually looked more gay than bobby darling]....but nevertheless...here goes the incident

as usual mirza was trying to pester someone and he found his target....it was to be imrano.....so he constantly is bugging him all the time....pestering him...calling him names....and the sort....you know the STB treatment as i would call it.....and off he goes.....
imrano on the other hand tries to keep cool and warns the guy a couple of times and tells him either to shut up or face the consequences.....but my dear mirza when will thou learn that you cant win em all....so he keeps on ripping on poor old imran.........imran finally snaps and heads to mirza to beat him up....
mirza to his credit doesnt run away but like some heavyweight boxer acts cocky and responds in his ever so irritating but funny voice
"Ebaare hobee fiiighhhhtiiiiiiinnnnng"
now the cockiness is good for ay boxer and i thought that mirza would whallop imran....and 5 mins later it was all done....

imran was back in his chair....mirza was in his.....but imran beat the living day lights out of mirza....got him in a headlock and gave him a ton of punches....
mirza ended up seeing a ton of stars and was holding his head in pain.....for once he did NOT have a comback.....

OWWW FOCKING STARS!

Breast Feeding

Now we all know how important it is for a child to grow big and strong,drinking milk is a very important part of it,not to mention breast feeding by the mother.....so again we start off this episode in me school
the time when Father Raj ruled....you know when our principal got sacked[who had gotten cozy in a bed with another teacher],the time when our evs teacher accused a accounts sir of sexual harassment ....hell the time when we found a condom beneath the bio lab and around a 100 students surrounded it....the crowd had to be dispersed by the Vice princi,who was a douche bag.......ahh yes the GOLDEN DAYS

so as per normal all the class 12 students with the class 11 students were lined up for the assembly,we had Father Raj as usual blabber out some cock and bull story teaching us some stupid moral which we may never ever understand anyways,
my class was as usual perfect in line coz our douche sir Tiku wanted to impress the authorita[looking at you cartman] and as usual the commerce section guys were just lying about here and there.....having no praticular class......jabbering away as much as they liked without any consequences which we science students hated....i mean how come they never fell into trouble for thei nonsense and we did?

well this day changed that just a bit and out of it came a fuckingly funny incident

so on this day not only did FATHER RAJ make an appearence but also BARRY O BRIAN.....yes the same guy who is the brother of DEREK O BRIAN,noted Quiz master and Trinamul congress pollitician......Barry had come coz he was part of the school board or something....so on a hot summers day mr brian[who was and is really obese...i mean he has moobies,[man boobs] a huge potbelly .....now you get the picture].......so the poor bloke is sweating away....in the heat melting literally and he is pink in color....coz of the heat and his fair skin tone........

so back to the best bit....hameed[yes he seems to be part of all that was funny yet wrong in STB] is chatting away with another pal of his....now hameed was standing behind a huge guy so he cldnt be easily spotted but the other bloke was seen quite easily ....laughin away at all the crap hameed was sayin....i know coz i was standing right next to hameed....this next bit was amazing......

so barry sees the other bloke talking and laughing and shouts out
"HEY YOU....YES YOU AT THE END OF THE LINE.......COME UP HERE"......

Barry slapped the living daylights out of the guy but that was a victory for the "disciplined" people like me....the real deal was when the bloke was goin up to the stage hameed makes a smart ass comment to the guy who was scared as it is

"JA BE JA BARRY BULA RAHA HAI.......BARRY O BRIAN DUDU PILAYEGA"

hahahahahahahaha
oh to go back to the glory days.......

DISCIPLINE!

As usual i will start by letting you all know how crappy my school was in a disciplinarian way at least....little or no respect given to the teachers or parents or even to the seniors......hell man it was a war zone out there.....survival of the fittest as they say.....
i tried staying clear of any impeding danger,conflict,fight etc....coz my mouth runs ar a 1000 words a minute but my reflexes are real slow....and i mean real slow......

i mean discipline ,respect werent words that we had in the dictionary of STB....not that half of the students could ever spell it.....so here are some instances of how "good" we were in school...of course i wasnt involved in any of these....but as we know....news spreads like fire....or some shit saying like that

CASE 1:THE SLAP
this happened during me class 10 pre final exams....and a teach called MR MOBILE [yes we called him that...coz he was more interested in his mobile rather than teaching any student....he would just chat away all day long on his cell rather than teach the damn subject he was supposed to teach so he was a prime target as it is coz he was as i call a "lappoo".......]
the dude was invigilating a class from the commerce section.....if you know our commerce section[any one of em] you know its real bad rite now.....
so he catches some guy cheating and swipes his paper away....now normally a student would beg for the paper to be returned or wait for a course of action from the teacher....but oh do we forget this is STB? can we forget this is a commerce student rite here?
NOPE
he gets up and demands the paper back from the teacher ,mobile says no way jose......student says gimme the paper or else.......

and then SLAP!
what a slap it was too......
the student whalloped the teacher......
MOBILE CONNECTION CUT GAYA........
score
students 1.....teachers 0

CASE 2:THE FILM
we had this computer sir who acted like he was something special in school,which he was coz he was physically handicapped...not gonna make no jokes on the disability.....but he had an attitude and was damn arrogant....he wasnt like that to his tution students...[i know coz i was one of em...would regularly get the question papers and score a ton in the exams......the only time that ever happened in cal].....
so he once had to be a substitute teacher for the roughest toughest meanest class in school 12 E.....that is a death wish for anyone in itself....but i shudder to feel what the comp sir might have felt.....so up he steps like a real man to take a whooping....and you know a person would normally just let the students be and hope the 45 minute class gets over ASAP...but oh no here comes the moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....the dude enters like he is THE TERMINATOR...
"dont talk....sit down....i will call the principal...."
and he is proud thinkin that it worked....so as soon as he put his rump down on the teachers chair...up steps HAMEED...yes we all remember him from a certain previous post [check out MAA DA LADLA BIGAR GAYA]....and he locks the class door from the inside.......the sir is like
"hey open the door what are you doing"....well he and his pals sure as hell showed the teach what they were doing....
surrounded the poor bloke
wouldnt let him get up from his chair
some guy took out his cell
and made the teacher watch a porno!
hahahahahahahah man i dont care how much of a nice guy you are and how ever decent you can be....no GUY and i mean NO GUY ever gives up the chance to watch a porno...especially if its free.....

after the class we heard bout this bit from the commerce freaks....so i decided to ask sir bout this in the tution....
"sir i heard they made you sit in the chair and locked the door...."
he replies......"yes but they didnt do anything bad.....i infact locked it myself!...."
BLOODY LIAR!
"and sir i heard they made you watch a blue film"
yes for some reason we dont know pornos in india we all call em blue flix....
sir never answered back
"hey go finish you problems and then you can leave...finish it fast"
score
Teachers 0
Students XXXXX

CASE 3:THE LAST ASSEMBLY
this case occured during my last assembly in school before the ISC exams....lemme make the situation clear....we had just sacked the principal...school was a mess...teachers were pissed...students were always pissed...so we had an interm principal....FATHER RAJ....yeah some freak "father" from La Marts i think....and he would make sure there was an assembly everyday with all the students from class' 11 and 12....big fucking mistake right there
you dont hold assemblies with the commerce sections unless you want it to be your funeral....
plus the fact that Raj would make such crappy stories to teach us morals right throughout the assembly made it even more tedious....
so off we go......as soon as raj steps on the podium and starts jabbering away..
hameed yes him again....and a few of his pals....literally and believe me i dont make this shit up
it just happens in front of me.......
they sit down and form a sort of crude circle...and start clapping away singing songs....and act as if they are playin cards....right in front of all the teachers....
but as usual the teachers dont do jack....coz they dont have the cojones...

The shittest yet truest bit is that our batch the 2007 one was the best batch ever.....and from what i have heard from some of the juniors our school has turned into a dump.....not just coz some students are bad.....now all the students are worse...including the science ones....real sad......

Maa da laadla bigar gaya

I would probably be the first person who hates references to hindi movie names and songs for real life...........like my bhabhi did at a wedding.....she considered me to be gay and also told me "not to go for many girls at one time like SANDWICH"......you know the freaky govinda flick which i only would tune into for the gloriously sexy raveena..........
so i would hate to bring in some hindi reference to any of my posts....but i have to make an exception for a rather exceptional post....thats right this one post could and probably is one of the best stories[true] ever to come out of STB
so lets make the scene right.....

Mr Yassin me class 8 maths sir had a huge tution group full o muslim kids.....most were ruffians and goondas at that....but the man had a heart of silver[not gold ] and would take his entire batch out for a picnic every year.....
the man had one flaw actually 2....

1:one of his hands would always be bent down ala gay style....like some gay fashion designer....well all of em are gay anyway

2 :he would talk to people like he had paan stuffed in his mouth although he never had one ever.........

so back to the story......his class had this one kid called shergill hameed...the name itself has a history in STB.....i cant reveal all coz would be on his hitlist then.....
so for all the people who dont know this guy lemme give you a brief idea of what he was...abusive....had "contacts".....had a ton o guts.......fought a lot....had ruffians for pals......get the picture?

so Yassin rented a couple of cars actually vans for the trip......he would accompany a few students in one and the other students would be with a driver in the other....and off they went....needless to say mr hameed was in the car without the teach.....

so he and his pals ask the driver to slow down and start faggin away...smoking away like there is no tommorrow ........its like a rock groups tour bus with the amount of smoke coming out......
after a few minutes they see in the distance......Yassin has stopped by the side of the road and is flaggin the other car to stop.....in a jiffy the guys butted out their cigs but the smoke was evidence for yassin to figure out that something was fishy......so in his traditional yassin self he asks

"GAAAAARIIIIIII SEEEEEEE DUUUUUAAAAAAAA KYUUU NIKAAAAL RAHA HAIIII??????"
hameed replied
"aaaoooo sirrr engine garam ho gaya engine garam ho gaya"......
yassin cant answer back...and they head off for the picnic......
when they come back after the picnic....yassin tries to grill everyone bout the "smoke" session
one by one students are asked if they had smoked in the car or not....and almost everyone said yes because Yassin used a brilliant tactic which no one can escape from....here is goes
"AAAACHAAAA ________ tum boooolooooo tummm cigarette piyaaa thaaaaa???"
as usual we are the best fibbers in calcutta
"nahi sir nahi piyaaaaa"
so then yassin uses some major leverage skills.....
"tum maa ka kasam kha kar bolo tum cigarette piya"
to which everyone said
"ha sir sorry sir..... cig piya tha...."
coz of course you cant dodge that bullet...although nothing may happen even if you do fib....but we indians consider it to be sacred and we gotta be righteous whenever out family comes into question

up steps HAMEED for the grilling.....
"achaaaa sergeeeeeeeellll tum bolo tum cigarette piya????"
"nahi sir hum nahi piya.........."
here it comes the BIG one

"tum maa ka kasam kha kar bolo tum cigarette nahi piya"
now before i tell you the response lets move into fast forward....after the grilling he comes out from the room and all his pals surround him and ask him what happened.....
and he replies back that yassin asked him if he did smoke and he replied no....then he asked him to tell him the truth.....using the classic maa ka kasam dialogue...........
to which he replied
" HAAN SIR MAA KASAM KHAKAR BOL RAHA HOO MAINE CIGARETTE NAHI PIYA....."
now we all got shocked by the response....i mean how can you say something like that coz we regard that we gotta tell the truth when someone asks for the maa kasam thingy
so we asked him....tum jhoot kyu bola?
he replies...

"sir bola tha maa ka kasam kha kar bolo.....hum bhi maa ka kasam kha liya....uska maa .....tera maa....kiska maa kya pata.....????"

whoa bullet dodged......king of retorts....check.....

E=MC^2

In STB we didnt have the best of teachers......dont get me wrong....wait....fuck yeah we had real shit teachers....the list was endless....the teachers would often piss us off......we had this teach T K SHAH....for physics......i mean i know its ok to have a little pride in your academic excellence.....but dont go fucking boasting bout it from the 1st day of the new session

i had just passed the ICSE exams with around 78%......i aint a genius no more....so as per bengal tradition i was forced to take up science in me +2's even though i sucked at em......i took science with computers as me 6th subject which i was decent at.........
so a brand new session starts......well i thought this would be my best years in STB coz i did have me best pal Rohit in the same class.....so as bumchums we sat together and enters that BASTARD TIKU[Shah].......the jackass had tormented us in class 10 with his constant rambellings and strict disciplinarian methods of teaching

here is a notable excerpt from the douchebag
"I WILL GIVE YOU VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT BOYZZZZZZZZZ"
am shit scared coz he would always carry a cane with him.......
"YOU NOW WILL HAVE VERY SEVER PUNISHMENT.........



STAND UP FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS......"
wait what?
thats crap man....i punish the public worse than that with my constant jabbering and abusing......
"NOW I WILL GIVE YOU EVEN MORE SEVER PUNISHMENT.....STAND AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS....."
WOW I AM SO FUCKING SCARED ...........sarcasm intended

so the douche was our class teacher for 2 years straight.......damn damn damn damn.......what a waste.....
he starts off by saying that he is a brilliant student and told us in some shit maharashtra board exam he secured something like 95% in physics maths and chemistry....and how he was a great student....where he spent his time teaching and all the historic details any normal person would have fallen asleep off....we couldnt do that coz he was the VP's ass licker.......only 1 person was paying complete 10000% attention to him ....it was his gay lover Partho Sarthi Laha.....first off all i dont think any "guy" can have such a name....but he did....

he would walk with his tit's popping out....and whenever he heard TIKU's shit voice...he would literally just run to the source of the sound....hell he was the only person in the world who would laugh at his shit hole jokes as well........

anyways TIKU then told us that if we didnt believe him .....he could bring in his papers and certificates and all just to prove that he did do the same.....fucking loser......
the guy had another problem as well....he suffered from some gastric problems....so he would constantly BURP all the while he was teaching....
and his burp wasntr a normal one....oh no...this was what he would burp

"GHEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW"

"GHEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW"
and the worst bit was he never apologized for that.....not once ....never.....
but if he caught someone even trying to yawn or make any sort of muscular movement around the mouth....the guy would point him out and would start saying a ton of shit like
"dont spread germs all around"
"if you dont like physics why did you take science?"
once he was taking a physics class and told us if we had any doubts regarding any topic we could ask him....so me GUJJU pal Bhaveen got up and asked him a question bout some topic which was a year old....
the guy responded
"BHAVEEEEEEEN YOU ARRRRRRREEEEEEEEE A YEARRRRR LAATE....I CANT HELP YOU......"
SOB.....sala haram khor.......but i dont hold any grudge against him for all this....what i do hate him for is his biased attitude towards his tution students......he would often ask the weak students to join his tution indirectly....for example
i was a shit weak student in class 11 and 12
my scores in physics read like the bangladesh cricket teams score card against an aussie bowling attack
12
24
16
30
these were me scores in 4 exams in the +2's....i havent said anything bout me maths scores...thats another story

so the guy was giving the papers for the physics exam...and as usual i failed...miserably.....he looked at me and said...i will never fucking forget the mockery he made off me that day

"SAEEEEEEEDD YOU ARE LIKE SOURAV GANGULY...FAILING ALL THE TIME....."
till that it was fine....i mean come on i also have made a ton of jokes on guys flunking.....
the next line pissed me off to another level..........

"YOU NEED A JAGMOHAN DALMIYA TO PASS......"
son of a bitch...damn asshole.....so how do i get back at the asshole

well he teaches in an adjacent building to me complex on the first floor....that building just contains shops....and a coaching class.....that building is rite next to me gate.....so whenever he is teaching and i can here him.....coz its easy to hear that BELCH from a mile away.....i go up to the ground floor....rite beneath his window and shout out

"TEEEN RUPIYA KA CHICKEN PAKODA.........TEEN RUPIYA KA CHICKEN PAKODA.........."
he never does jack bout that......a lot more to follow of the miser we all loved to hate TIKU........