Pester Power, Thums Up and a Jeet!

People always believe that once you start working full time, a person starts understanding the value of a job, grows as a person, understands responsibilities and takes ownership of their actions. I would love those people to meet me because I fail at all the check boxes above. The only reason I do go to work is if I don't my dad will literally kick me to office. In office I am the normal troll that I am outside office, constantly talking bullshit (Bhaat as we call it), eating heads, making stupid comments and just acting like a freak, pretty normal for me.

While I have shared stories regarding prank calling people within office, stealing juice from lunch boxes and making lives a living hell, recently I seem to have honed my skills and every day post 6:30 PM I start my bhaat session. 

The people who feel the brunt of all this are the colleagues nearby, from the new guy who is to get married soon (constantly tell him, "Your life is over....."), to the finance manager who once got off his chair to try and kick me when I tried to talk about how trains are stopped in Guwahati as elephants get on the track to mate since its mating season, to Enakshi, Neha and Tanya who have to bear the most since I really go crazy at them, especially Tanya who seems to be just as crazy as me and also has her own set of "bhaat" lines to share.

Enough of that, I wasn't pleased just trolling about the colleagues, now its time for the office boys. Yes, those tireless workers who constantly listen and do as they are told. "Bring me coffee", "Bring these print outs", "Go to Mr. X and get his signature on this", its a thankless job in reality and just to rub it in, I wanted them to be part of the trolling and pestering also. Which means they were gonna be the butt of the jokes.

So we have this Tanmay, Tanmay da as we affectionately call him, he works tirelessly bringing tea and coffee to all that need and demand it. I however, don't drink caffeine , I avoid tea and coffee since always, not that I hate the drink, its just that I don't want some hot liquid in me to kickstart my system. So he comes and provides refreshing drinks to all while I get nothing that I want, so I start telling him everyday

"Tanmay da, aamar Thums up kothai?" (Tanmay da, where is my thums up?"

Initially he was taken aback since no one ever makes such nonsensical remarks. This continued for a couple of weeks and I started really pestering him.
"Where is my thums up? I want it today" of course spoken in broken bengali.

Then when I saw that even that was not going to work , I started to bring in the emotional blackmail.

"You will only bring the thums up when I put down my papers"

This also continued for a few days and everyone would have a good laugh because its all a joke and whatever I do say is in good faith, I dont say stuff to hurt people just to bring smiles and of course piss them off.

Last thursday while we were setting up for lunch this happens

Don't worry, I just left a little cola in it before I took the snap. ITS STILL COLA!

Tanmay da brought 2 cups of Cola for us, Tanya, Neha and I were having lunch and we were so surprised it was un freaking believable, Tanmay then says "Sob Theek?" (Everything ok? ) with a smile and thats when it all fell into place. My pestering worked and I got my free cola

Of course a lotta comments have come about this, some one said that the poor soul actually had to take out money from his pocket or how much I actually got on his nerves that he had to bring me a cola to shut me up, which didn't work cos I told him "Kalke o aanben" (bring some tomorrow as well)

Of course this doesn't bode well for me as pointed out, I was to get the cola the day I resigned, ummm ok.......???? 

Candy Crush Saga : The Silk Chronicle

Everyone gets a gaming orgasm, even the people who aren't the game loving types. There is this infectious game called "Candy Crush Saga" which is the current talk of the town with its simple match making puzzle logic, bright visuals and crazy combos. The game has been tried by most people I know, some of them have played it, gotten lost in it and forgotten what reality is, others, like myself have tried to play it, failed at it and have tried to resume with life without sounding sheepish "I couldn't finish level 34".

One of my colleagues is the Candy Crush Queen, currently on something like level 300. We crack jokes in office that her KRA consists of completing all the 600+ levels of the game before this year ends. She is one crazy girl and is constantly asking people for "lives" to continue playing the game so that she can progress further. Of course her taunts continue to jab us as to how we are stuck in xyz level or how people gave up so easily without even trying, let her try playing Fifa on Legendary and beating a team 5-0 constantly but I digress.

Recently she got an idea from yours truly about how she can use her candy crushing saga to better use. You see an aunt of mine had jumped on the Farmville bandwagon. That farming game which had everyone sowing crops and trying to grow plants online rather than in reality. My aunt made around 40 K from this plant that she started sharing with people so that they could grow their crops faster or some shit like that, so now my colleague decides to do the same, help the poor little souls stuck in some level and help them clear it.

So one day in office another colleague pops in and hands her a large Cadbury Silk chocolate for helping her clear the level, which is very good and all. However little miss candy decides to taunt Manish and me constantly telling people that she is going to have "silk" and how she wont share etc etc etc. Not to be outdone , Manish challenges her that he will take the Silk from her and she wont have a damn clue about it. Challenge accepted by the Queen of the Candy.

So she stores it, of course before flaunting it to us, in her drawer and she nicely locks it and keeps on saying that we can't do anything about it. Manish and I just keep staring at each other and the drawer, we know there will be this one window of opportunity for us to strike and when that chance comes by the power of Grey Skull we will strike.

After a little while she goes off to do some work and we strike, you see our office drawers aren't the safest place to keep anything. They can easily be opened by some other key, so while the other colleagues in our floor stare at us, I coolly pick up my key and try to jig her drawer open but it doesn't work. "Does another key actually work? Is it really going to work" are overheard, I next take Manish's key and hey ho!

I open the freaking drawer, take out the huge chocolate bar, lock her drawer and as soon as I had over the chocolate to Manish the Candy Queen sees it and starts screaming at us. Everyone on our floor freaks out and now she starts chasing Manish, who tries to hide it in his locker (which is safer). She almost pushes him into the drawer set which could have let to a massive injury, he somehow survives falling and runs away, ultimately he takes the chocolate and runs to the men's washroom and tries to hide it in a duct. I tell him to give it back before she goes all berserk and brings the entire floor down. We try to sneak out of the washroom and SHE is standing there waiting for us to give it back which we do.

The next few minutes are filled with laughter and a gentle reminder never to challenge us, she keeps on repeating "You won't get any chocolate from this" we calmly say "We don't need the chocolate, we needed to make a point and we have done that".

At the end of the day she did share the chocolate with us, this being the second time this candy queen decided to mock us and our abilities, I hope she has learned not to challenge or doubt our abilities.

Once bitten, twice shy?

5 Point Maaza

There was a small girl stuck in a dark desolate place which was eating her soul and bringing in misery that she never expected to come and be a part of the life she was leading. A change in guard had completely destroyed her happiness and had taken away all the joy that was within her.
Her only ray of hope was the small lunch box provided at the dungeon which kept her chained. Till now she had been accepting the crummy fruits from one evil lord which was owning all the orchards, the hero came in the form of the "Orgapure", a hero so pure that not even the slightest hint of  non vegetarian food was to be provided and the icing on the cake of the entire ordering circle was the presence of the sweet heavenly nectar called Maaza, you know the Aamsutra which Katrina so sexually advertises, ok so thats for Slice but you get the picture.

So we both order our fruit boxes from Orgapure, yes I can't continue the Game of throne -esque structure anymore. I took the option of taking up Orgapure not because I want to eat veg food in office but rather the fact that they have the best fruits around, I carry my food from my home nowadays, this lady however wanted to take the box just for the fact that the Maaza was being presented to her. A point she made, repeatedly to me and Manish,
"Next week I will be having maaza"
"Manish, Maaza time"
"Karim & Manish, maaza aayega next week se"

She kept on harping about it like the day would not end until we made her gulp down a gallon of maaza. It was left to the two of us to make sure things didn't go over the top.

Day 1
As usual our lunch boxes came and the orgapure boxes come the earliest, eagerly I open the box in hope for the maaza , lo and behold, fate is a cruel, cruel thing. No maaza at all , instead they had this mango delicacy which I can't remember. It was like a preserve of the mango, a cross between a jam and a pickle, anyways a fellow football fan was gobbling it up ,Suva, not giving a damn as to what was going about. 
She on the other hand was going crazy as to why she did not get the maaza, cursing our souls since she believed we had something to do with it and that we had taken the maaza away, cross our hearts and souls ,manish and I had nothing to do with it.
Not that she was going to listen to it and she still blamed us throughout lunch that we had jinxed the arrival of the Maaza, we on the other hand told her that she had jinxed it thanks to the continuous love affair for the maaza. 

Day one, Maaza 1 Girl 0

Day 2
 The food boxes come in and she is away doing some work. I have a peek into my box and I find that there is a maaza drink pouch in it, quick as a flash, I give my pack to the MR girl in the office Enakshi, to hide it and then I take the other Maaza and Manish hides it away from plain slight. Coolly I fix her disturbed box to make sure she doesn't get a clue as to what has transpired.

She comes back and opens the box and instantly she sees something is a miss, she then does the exact thing that I expected her to. She tries to open my fruit box and also finds the maaza missing.

She then screams out our names like we had done the biggest crime in the world. Blaming us for taking the maaza, "I know you guys have taken it, give it back!". While we are giggling away and claiming that we did not take it. This blame game goes on for 10 minutes , while we finish one maaza while she is piercing us with a stare that someone would give to someone who has just shot their beloved.
We finally do relent and give her the maaza.
She then says "Now I will sit here between 12:30 PM and 1: 30 PM to make sure you guys dont take my maaza"

Challenge accepted

Us 1 Girl -1

Day 3

Again our food box comes at around 12:45, she is acting like a cop on a crime scene, constantly searching for suspects. I open my box and we start bursting out in laughter.

No maaza today also, they gave that preservative and while she starts thinking that we are somehow responsible for the situation, its anything but and all the folks on our floor have a hearty laugh.

The constant torrent of jokes on the both of us by the girl in the last week seems to have created a sort of jinx on her, she just was not getting the maaza she needs and well the one she doesn't deserve.

Us 2 Girl -1

Day 4

The vigil is set, she sits patiently for the drink of her choice to come, while she has kept the box in front of her she was busy on the phone with her better half. We sneak a peek at what drink has come in the box.

Great scots! Its freaking Appy Fizz, that crazy bubbly apple drink. Mo fucking hell, we now had to do something. She had already taken out the Fizz and kept it beside her, while she was busy talking to Mr Special, I calmly walk up to her desk, act like I am searching for some file and slyly take away the Fizz. Hidden from her eyes, we go back to our normal work.

When she is done with the call, she screams out in anger, WHO TOOK MY APPY FIZZ?
I  KNOW ITS MANISH OR KARIM! I KNOW!!!!!!!!

You know that Batman dialogue, SWEAR TO ME! when he is interrogating a suspect while he is hanging upside down, I think it was detective Flass, this was almost the same line she was using to get the details out of us. Everyone is office is having a good laugh, we are trying to keep out cool and deny that we have any wrong doing, we even state that she was keeping watch over the stuff and how could she have let it get out of her sight.

She took Manish' cell phone as a part of an exchange but that didn't deter us, we still maintained we haven't done anything, again after a lot of relenting we decided to give her back the drink. Taught her a lesson about bloating we did, so much for the "vigil" that she tried to keep.

Us 3 Girl -1

Day 5

We had planned to take the pranking to a whole new level. We were thinking of asking the delivery boys to give us the boxes first so that we can empty her carton of the drink and keep the empty carton inside, that would have really started a fire.

Fortunately that event never transpired. Again the Orgapure guys decided to give that mango preserve, so the final score for the week turned out.

Us 4 Girl -1

She did learn a few lessons though, not to bloat big, not to act like she can pwn us with regard to pranking and not to scream and shout about the drink in her lunch box.

This week was done, Next week its going to start all over again.

Yaari Dosti Taaza Maaza

Picture Perfect

I remember being a small kid and going for a ton of holidays with my parents. Those days were simple, no mobile phones, no computers and certainly no invasive flashes where people tried to take random photographs. My dad would hand me that old Minolta/Kodak camera, check how many photos could be taken from the roll of film and tell me to be careful while taking the snap.

Looking back at the 10 or so albums which have been filled with photographs, each photograph actually had a story behind it, from the time I sat at the wheel of a bus (was 3 years old) to this beautiful glorious photo where my Grandma and I are enjoying some jam sandwiches sitting on some of brown autumn leaves. 

Taking a photograph had a meaning back then, unlike now where I feel like I have entered a crazy nightclub or am walking down the red carpet at the Oscar's with the number of flashes going off thanks to them damn mobile phones. I have a strict "No photograph " policy, I do not take photographs of the people I go with unless of course we meet up after a long time, like my college buddies who meet up once or twice in a year, that is a memorable time because well its only twice in a year that 5 freaks meet up for some real madness.

Of course the policy extends to no one taking my photo also, my dad loves this policy and he makes sure he takes a couple of photos wherever I go with him, sometimes I feel his only task in life (especially when I go out with my parents) is to troll me. His propensity for taking my photographs is directly proportional to how pissed my reaction is when he asks me if he can take my photo. The more I get pissed, more are the number of photos he takes. 

The other thing I always get lambasted on by my parents is when I decide to take a few snaps, especially during those holidays. Now I prefer taking photos of the scenic beauty around me, no , not the bikini clad women but the natural beauty around us. The sand dunes and the sunset after our desert safari in Dubai, or the beautiful monasteries in Bangkok or the huge Shiv Temple ( I could be wrong with the temple , sorry about that) in Malaysia. Great structures are the thing that I like capturing on my cell, so when we go back to the hotel my parents ask me to show the photos I clicked throughout the day. Then comes the barrage of why do I take such shitty pictures, why is it that the pictures don't have people in them, why is it always the structures etc which come in your photos?. Its like that because that's what a photograph should be, a picture is worth a thousand words and instead of having people in it , it should have something to talk about, sometimes this whole "pose in front of x" seems a ruse to prove to people that you actually have been to this place. 

If you can't accept that I have gone to x/z place, then you better not ask for me to show the holiday pictures. This again is one of the things which I dread. Especially if I ever go to relatives place who has just come back from the trip and they want to show the pictures. If I want to see the pictures I will ask about them, you do not have to show them to me in hope of winning the 10000$ prize on some game show. I don't show my holiday pics to people either, unless of course they ask for it and then they moan about how "people" are missing from the photos. Really?

 

Hack me baby one more time!

This is one of those classic stories that you would love to bring up at a party or just to remember the good old days.

This happened way back when we were in class 11. For reasons to save myself from getting a hammering I won't be posting the name of the friend who had to deal with what happens next.

It was a fine morning and I guess it was a day off from school. This was the era when we had just found what a great thing Orkut is/was. While we all joined with the notion of keeping in contact with each other post us leaving school, it ended up as a sad and sick way just to try and add "friends".

Those crummy, spine tingling, shuddering days of guys just trying to add random girls in hope of getting some action still freak me out. Basically any girls' profile on the site was up for grabs.
As long as they were within our age group and was single, even not in certain cases, they would get a friend request and well you know the rest. Maagibaazi FTW!.

So most of us actually had like 300 friends for no reason and most of them were females in hope of getting a girl, so this friend of mine was/is no different and he too had a ton of female friends on his list.

He calls me up and his tone is a little shaky to start with,

"Adeem, you know what has happened?"
"Nah , kya hua, tell me...."
"Arrey dude, My orkut profile has been hacked"
I immediately start laughing my ass off, thinking that hacking a profile is only done to get credit card details and trying to completely wipe out your finances.

"Who the fuck wants to hack your profile?" I ask back, nevertheless me pal does come across to my place and logs into orkut.

While the page is loading he tells me 
"Dude, some one has hacked my profile and they have changed my profile picture, its disturbing and now all these friends are taking me off the friend list and .....shit look at the photo man .......looook."

I turn to the screen and I have this face of shock which is succeeded by a loud laugh, its a picture of a girl ( a teenager) is holding this ginormous cock. 

Pedo alert!

So his scraps are filled with "friends" (females) asking him to either delete the photo, change it and then warning him that he will be removed from their list. 
So while he is on the mend trying to find out who has hacked his profile,my dad walks in and asks me whats going on.

I am thinking to myself , "Please don't open your trap man, don't tell my dad about the picture"

My friend goes "Uncle, you have no idea, someone has hacked my profile and changed my picture to....."

Crap man, don't blurt it out.

Fortunately my friend had the presence of mind to avoid describing the picture and replaced it with "a dirty picture".
 While he could never recover his profile completely, the one lasting image (images) of this fiasco are those pesky profile viewers. Here are a couple of gems who "viewed" and added him on Orkut.
Cool Sexy Handsome Hunk
and amongst the plethora of sexually perverted people viewing his profile was the champion

"I AM HOMO, I LIKE TO EAT MOMO"

To this day, we have not been able to forget this one profile viewer and I believe the same profile tried to add my friend on Facebook as well.

Momo anyone?


  

Hey Hey Mignolet!

"Oh bloody hell, not again". 

Another season, another false dawn. Leading yet again 1-0 but failing to capitalize on the possession and the number of chances we created. Sounds so familiar to every other season or at least the seasons post 2009.

The season had just started but it seemed to end so abruptly with the referee's whistle blowing. Stoke were always in the game and as usual we always let a team back into the game. Dominating possession, creating and squandering so many chances and our best friend Mr. "Hitting the goal post" was back again. This was going to be another long weekend.

"Penalty", the commentator said, "Oh fuck it" my mind went. 88th minute, we should have won this game. What a crappy start to the league. Our beloved Agger had just handled the ball in the penalty box and we could not make excuses for the poor decision because it was the correct one. No one to blame except us, so many chances to wrap the game up but to no avail.

On the other side of the pitch was a man standing tall. One of our targets for the goalkeeping spot this season. Asmir Begovic had double handedly kept his team in the game by making some tremendous saves, while his opposite number had quite a shaky start to the game and all the knives were out as to how could this man replace our Pepe?
The same who was shipped out so easily to Napoli for a year, a loan deal too. Up stepped Walters from Stoke to take the penalty, a player who has tormented us before and was sure to do it again.

"Oh well at least a point is better than what we did last season in the first game", shuddering to remember that calamitous start at the Hawthorns which finished with a 3-0 drubbing. 

The striker steps up to take the shot, an info graphic shows the last 5 penalties Walters has converted and where he has placed each shot. Certainly the keeper would miss it, he does not look confident at all.

"Thump" the kick goes, my heart sinks and then a loud cheer is heard. I open my eyes fearing the Stoke crowd going wild when its our supporters cheering wildly. Mignolet had just saved a penalty. That may not sound much but he had done something which I can't remember one of our keepers having done in a long time. 

He won us the game, no thanks to our finishing. Begovic was the man of the match but the man in our hearts is the Big Belgian. With a couple of saves he had just won over a gazillion Liverpool hearts , no more talk about "is he good enough?". This should say it all.

SAVED!

  

Prison Pit

The comic book collection continues with weekly downloads of all them Marvel and DC reboots, Deadpool (the new series) is a sure shot winner with him being one of the funniest comic characters ever. Plus the writers make sure he breaks the fourth wall repeatedly to add some more humor into the series. In his latest issue he even remarks " There's no way Marvel would ever let such a lame villain come back from obscurity. Right?". Marvel did but that is beside the point. Deadpool is one character not to mess with, almost a Wolverine except he wisecracks and he is mentally unstable. That was not his own undoing. The Weapon X program fudged him up a lot trying to cure his cancer but the regenerative cells couldn't actually stop his cancer so it grows and then he cures himself and it goes on and on and on, horribly disfigured he may be but still one of the best characters to follow in a galaxy filled with Superheroes.

The Cover art for the 1st book

While Deadpool or a Cyclops would be there in your minds regarding comics, there was this little gem I came across on a list of top comic books in 2012-2013. Prison Pit from Johnny Ryan is sometimes the anti comic book that we all need. I remember growing up reading Chacha Chaudhury and them brilliant Tinkle digests but Prison Pit decides to destroy every notion that you have for a comic book. This book is strictly for adults as a lot of X rated violence and sex occurs in this black and white comic.

Very few lines are spoken in the series (4 books so far). Its just madness, carnage and violence laced with a bit of humor. The characters are all based on some alien planet and they are mega bad ass and by bad ass I mean disemboweling your adversary , beating them to a pulp, defecating on them and then eating the corpse up. Each issue is crazier than the next and you just wonder how the main character (whatever his name may be) survives for the next assault. One such arc is he is given a mega penis strapped to his groin. He then has to find a flying Pterodactyl with boobs and has to have sex with it while its vagina has teeth around its lips. That my friends is the crazy world of Prison Pit. I thought it would be too grotesque for me but I can't wait for the next issue to roll out.

Oh and the part of the Pterodactyl sex? That isn't even in the top 20 crazy, violent and graphics moments in the series.
And a bit more news, an animated youtube series is under production currently with Blake Anderson of Workaholics providing voice over. Win!

What to do with a Suarez?

Another transfer window, another long drawn saga which could have been taken care off a month back had someone just iterated that wants to leave England and move to another country. However Mr. Suarez cannot keep his mouth shut so instead of vilifying the media for their constant attacks on him, he goes up to one of the papers to tell them about his sad story of how Liverpool have held him captive like a POW and not letting him make his dream move (again) to a Club in the Champions League. No disrespect to Arsenal but going to a Madrid, Barca or even a PSG makes more sense than staying in England where the fans had hurled so much abuse at Suarez and his family that he was contemplating moving to another country.

FYI Suarez, London is still a part of England and people will still target you there. He seems to have forgotten the tough times he gave all Liverpool fans and the club with his "racism" and "biting" incident, oh well that is a lesson we all have already learned in football. No loyalty left, so what do you do with a Suarez in your club wanting to move to a Champions League team?

Here we go

1: Sell him to PSG or Monaco

2: Loan him to Agent Rafa and his Napoli team (UCL and a pretty decent outfit)

3: Loan him to a club which is in the Champs league but willsurely get knocked out inthe group stage and bring him back to Liverpool for the 2nd half of the season.

4: Sell him to Celtic, hey he is out of England and in a CLub in the Champs League

5: Let him rot in the reserves and let him play only reserve fixtures

6: Make him leader of the Chewbaccas

7 : Lock him in the Big Brother house with Patrice Evra

8: Tell Daniel Agger what a Judas he is to become and watch the Dane elbow Suarez into obscurity

9 : Send him to an I League club (Indian league, just for the fun of it and so that he understands how much better he has it currently)

10: Take him back to the enchanted forest where he came from and find the witch that made him look like an elf.

Of course he hasn't left the club yet but it does seem he is about to go. Thanks for nothing Luis and hope you find a club big enough for your ego.

Good Riddance

Adventure Time!

It's been quite a while since I have gotten this excited over a cartoon, especially one that is currently airing on Cartoon Network or "CN" as it is called now. The good old days of the brilliant toons are long gone. What we have now are those crummy little Japanese cartoons (which probably are good in their own language) dubbed in Hindi. It just does not contain the fun and mystery that most of the original Cartoon Cartoons had. The Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Lab, Samurai Jack, I am Weasel, Johnny Bravo, Cow and Chicken, The Cramp Twins, oh the list is endless.

So I came across this cartoon "Adventure Time" by a freak accident. I was searching for a ton of new comics to read online, like the Uncanny X Force etc and came across a site which listed "Adventure time 10" as a must read comic. I downloaded the comic (from number 1) and then fell in love with it, downloaded the TV series and its freaking fantastic.

A ton of crazy characters from the Land of Ooo

This is probably the best cartoon I have come across since Foster's home for imaginary friends. The two main protagonists are Jake and Finn, a mr fantastic version of a dog and his friend Finn the human. They live in a world called "The Land of Oooo" which is set in a post apocalyptic era where the Mushroom bombs have already been set off.

The short episodes are both hilarious and dark to an extent dealing with death , magic , love and craziness. The character design is exceptional as well since each and every character is different having a completely different personality, I am only a few episodes into season one and have been hooked onto it. The every bubbly Princes Bubblegum, the Vampiress , The  notorious Ice King, there is too much god damn goodness in just one cartoon.

I thoroughly recommend everyone to watch at least a few episodes to get a feel of what a real cartoon should be like. It's like we are back in the golden era of cartoons from the 90's. This is one adventure that you surely should not miss. 

The chase for the elusive Magnum

Every once in a while there comes a trial which every mortal must pass. Taste what success feels like and then have it cruelly taken away even though you are just inches from the prize that you seek.

Thanking the Lord above, I have been blessed. Traveling to a lot of destinations means only one thing, stuffing yourself with what you don't get in India. Dubai, Bangkok, London etc, I have been able to taste some of their delicacies and some of their "street" food. "Street" food for me does not necessarily mean the roadside shanty outlets but often them ice cream karts.

On a trip to Phuket, I walked into a small 7 - 11 store and decided to try out an ice cream. A Magnum bar was placed right at the top of the pile in the freezer and not thinking twice I picked it up. At the check out counter the price listed was 25 Bahts, that is a lot of money for a chocbar. 

One bite into the bar and heaven was found on earth. The bar is made of the best damn chocolate coating I have ever tasted and the vanilla ice cream inside is to die for. When I visited Dubai a few months back, the only ice cream I stuffed myself was with em Magnums. They had even come out with an Almond coated variant and a dark chocolate one.

Unfortunately this ice cream is not available in India or so I thought. Outside my complex I found this rare ice cream kart of "Cream Bell". Normally a Walls kart is parked right outside the complex but seeing this kart a few days in a row I decided to try out a Cream Bell. I always take one of them Feast bars so I tried to find the substitute for the same in the Cream Bell chart.

My eyes could not believe it when I saw an ice cream bar named "Maxxum". I thought aloud, it can't be a Magnum, it can't. Priced at 40 bucks, it was a Magnum , well close to it actually but it was friggin awesome. I was chuffed to bits as I walked home after a day in office , ice cream bar in hand and a smile as wide as the grand canyon.

I told my parents about the Maxxum and made it a habit to eat as many Maxxums as I could. Unfortunately since that Maxxum I have not been able to get even close to a damn Cream Bell kart. The kart which used to come in front of my house has stopped coming, even though its the summer and its the perfect time for an ice cream. This may be irritating and frustrating but what really gets my goat is the strategically positioned karts which are littered all across the city.

When I travel back home, I cross no less than 3 karts which are all placed in such a place where the car cannot be parked and I can hop off for an ice cream. Its like I am being taunted and teased into thinking that the ice cream is there but its not for me. Its been 4 days in a row where I have found a damn Cream Bell kart only for the signal to turn green or the kart taking a left while I have to take a right.

Its one thing to not give a man what he wants but its another thing to ensure its right there and still far from one's grasp.

Well played fate, well played.
 

Knock knock knock

Supernatural. That one show has rekindled my belief in ghosts and well anything even remotely close to "supernatural" elements. Sam and Dean Winchester might have fought hard, brought back the dead, been poisoned from birth by the Devil's blood, been to hell and back and well saved the world from the Apocalypse while constantly beating and outwitting ghosts, vampires, shape shifters, werewolves and demons.

The show is excellence par none and its a marvel , well at least the marvel lasted till the 5th season. I have not been able to go back to the show post the 5th season as you cannot beat the apocalypse and then have one of the brother's back, alive and kicking while the other brother is leading a normal life but enough about one of the best shows ever, readers beware you are in for a scare. Goosebumps, I know.

We have this beautiful cottage hidden in a far off town of Raichak. Its a 2 hour drive from the city and the cottage is in the middle of nowhere, it has a few houses next to it and its in a well guarded complex but in all seriousness its so quiet and peaceful there and so sparsely populated you could count the number of people in a square kilometer on two hands.

Recently we (my parents and my cousin's) took off for Raichak to spent an extended weekend there. We are lucky to have two floors to just freak out there, running around and doing nothing but relaxing and idling away the hours. Luckily we had a brand spanking new LCD TV set there with a Tata Sky HD hooked into it and again fortunately they had the sports package subscriptions (YAY!).

The confederations cup was on and Italy were to play Brazil. Everyone in the house went off to bed , even the caretakers who resided in the adjoining house retired for the night except the football freak within me. Now this TV was set up right next to a few large windows which overlooked this amazing huge garden which was the size of a few tennis courts filled with a lot of foliage and wildlife. The same evening I had seen a couple of large bats flying around and perching themselves on a couple of trees in the garden, vampire , check.

So as the game kicks off, I peer outside through the window and I see nothing but pitch black. The TV room was illuminated quite well and a few lights were reflecting off the window pane. At around 2 in the morning, when its eerily quiet and lifeless everywhere I hear someone knocking on the glass pane of the window.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

In a rhythmic manner, the timing between the knocks were absolutely identical, like a metronome onto which a pianist would play. Scared shit out of my pants, I decide to act tough and trudge on watching the game. Then the next set of knocks come again from the window pain exactly 10 minutes from the first set of knocks ( I was watching the footie game so I had an idea of the time). The brave me first thought "Screw you guys am going to bed" , then for some stupid moronic reason I switched off all the lights in the hall and now only the tv is on with any kind of illumination in this huge house. Maybe the thing outside would not see me if I switched off the lights, idiot.

And then the icing on the cake, exactly 10 minutes later we hear the 6 knocks from hell again
 KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

6 knocks, 3 times, in a space of 20 minutes. 6 6 6, enough of this shit. Switched off the TV and somehow stumbled upstairs into my room. Jumped onto the bed and hid under the blanket , somehow slept and woke up the next morning telling my tale to the rest of the familia there.

While my parents weren't sure of what it was outside, my cousins were sure the place is haunted (since no one actually resides in that house). The caretakers said it could have been a woodpecker ,wait, woodpecker at 2 in the morning  having a pretty decent sense of timing and knows how to count?

Right.

The MAN!

It's the middle of the night, I have office to go to tomorrow, in all fairness I should have been asleep 3 hours ago but I am still up, waiting, hoping , praying for something to happen. 
The confederations cup, being held in Brazil may not be the biggest tournament to follow but its the biggest thing to have come from the International shores since Euro 2012. The Fed cup is a pre show of sorts before the main event, the 2014 World Cup and one match was especially intriguing.

Italy Vs Spain, a rematch of the Euro 2012 final and I had stayed up just to watch one man or THE MAN play. I am not talking about Xavi or Iniesta or Torres (laugh on), it was all about the Pearl, Andrea Pirlo, a man that defies all logic.

In reality he should have been playing for a smaller club and should have been out from the International team but fuck that this is Andrea Pirlo we are talking about. So what is he is on the wrong side of 30? So what if the champions AC Milan did NOT want him in their team, what does he do? Fuck it, what does he do like a MAN ? Win the League with Rivals Juventus becoming an important , if not the most important player in their system.

It's not all about the football though, the man, the beard, the swagger, the panache. This man , correction this beast just can't also seem to give a fuck to the rest of the world. Cool, calm and collected , doesn't break a sweat. Last night was testament to the Living Legend, taking a penalty in such a tough situation and still having the ability to play it cool, wait for the keeper to make a move and score so calmly, the ball slots into the corner of the net and Casillas can't do a thing.

Ok so Italy lost and Spain play Brazil in what could be an explosive final but me staying up till 3:30 AM in the morning on a working day just speaks volumes about how much respect and affection, that keeps growing for this man. This guy is the man, the champion , the Legend.

Love Live the Beard

Long Live the Pirlo.

 

Sweeeeeeeet Rice

A bong loves to eat, that would be the true calling for most bongs and none of them can ever give up a chance to eat free food. I might not consider myself a true bong, with all the avoidance for mutton and them fish dishes but I do love to eat, especially if its food I like.

That is why its such a pain to go to a lot of dinners, weddings, parties, the food is often not up to my liking. Earlier I would not eat at all in the vege marwari weddings because, well I need chicken as an item at everymeal. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, a chicken preparation is a must, this can't be done in them vege weddings, now am a bit better. I would only eat the ton of desserts that are presented in them weddings, start off with a ton of their fried stuff, pakoras and all, then swiftly switch on to the plethora of desserts on offer.

Another set of invitations I fear and loathe are the bengali ones, not that I have an issue with bengalis, its just that one of the few things that irks me is a sweet main course. The rice in most of these bengali weddings/invitations ends up being a concoction of "Fried rice dipped in syrup", Its just not palatable for me. People gorge that stuff down while I end up looking like a lost soul searching for a puppy in china. If the rice being sweet enough is not an issue, they try to top it up with a little more "richness", if that is a word. They put all em dry fruits in the rice, so I would be chewing cashew nuts, raisins etc with cooked rice, again a no-no for me, jeez I hate that sweet rice stuff and so I just hate going to any bengali invitation, I end up eating nothing apart from the fried fish (the only fish preparation I would eat, as long as there are no bones in it) and then I have the oh so necessary ice cream at the parties.

Its about time that people learn that sweet rice can be a dessert and not a main course but its the masses that make the rules up and not just one soul, so while you guys enjoy gulping down a ton of sweet rice with that oily mutton preparation at the next wedding, please remember that far away , a lonely boy could not come to the wedding as he could not take in that sweet sweet rice which you guys go gaga for. 

The aer-o the chocolate throne!

There once was a time where a knight in shining armor would return to his castle after a hard days schooling, learning how to joust hard against the "anti -knights" in the treacherous land where they were made to learn numbers, methods to make them half or somehow , almost using black magic increase the volume. Learn what is inside a human body, learn how to speak, those really were the old gruesome days (days I wish I could go back to), anyways, tired, beaten, sweaty, bruised, tortured, would the soul return in hope for the sweet sweet nectar of the cocoa bean, a chocolate.

Thankfully for the lad, his cold storage compartment was always filled with the stuff, he had found a sweeter , more refined and AERY version of the so called "chocolate", AERO , the chocolate with AIR bubbles in em, and I kid you not, they would actually melt in your mouth.

The knight was always stuffing his gob with this beautiful creature of the Almighty and then one day, while he took his liberty too far, he was made to return to his homeland, where things were still getting a little better, bigger taller castles were coming up, roads were getting laid, the comfort of the cold home was missing not only from his castle but also from the hell that was his "education center", (again this was way back, love to go back to STB)

While adjusting to his new environment, things changed for the lad, he did not speak the Queen's english anymore, now it was only abuses and khisti to make sure he "fit" into the system, chocolate was also forgotten, especially the ones he used to get at his old stomping ground.

Cue 8 years of massive searching for his love, no luck found the poor sodden soul, tired, broken and certainly saddened, the hope for his nectar to be with him again was dying, the Lord taketh so easily what he wanted.

Cursing, how could I not get AERO in India? Someone did answer my prayers, going back to my homeland (Dubai), the knight finally got a chance to stuff his bags,  he had carried a lot of shillings and gold coins to bargain and purchase for his love, THE AERO, lo and behold, his savings from the hard work he had done were all spent on acquiring the sweet sweet chocolate, happy days were here again and he returns triumphant from his conquest but there will come a time when the stock does run out and then the search will begin again, maybe some knight traveling to the  far off land will get the chosen nectar for this knight, for now the AIR in the AERO is king, 

ALL HAIL THE AIR O THE CHOCOLATE THRONE!!!!

Sportscentre : With the TRE

You guys would know I am an avid Hockey fan, Ice Hockey that is, from the early days of me catching glimpses of the Red Wings playing with Yzerman, Federov and Hasek on ESPN, I have always been intrigued by the  sport and follow it more because of the massive hits dished out on a regular basis, its like Football with the hard tacking of Rugby.

Often I troll about the internet searching for various clips of hockey, best plays, best dekes, best saves etc. To my surprise I found this list with the title "TSN Sportscentre Top 10 Shootout goals", for a minute I thought, the spelling is incorrect, its "SportsCENTER" like the Indian version we get on ESPN, which again is not even close to the awesomeness of the few American editions I had seen ( a throw back to the 2000's, when between 2 -3 PM every weekday the American sportscenter would be on air, I got my daily fix of hockey, NBA etc from that). This Sportscentre in fact was the one which airs on TSN, a channel in Canada , its their flagship program so it basically is run around 10 hours a day , everyday , like CID for Sony in India.

Even before the countdown/top 10 started, they had the presenters make a few jokes on themselves and others, Jay Onrait and Dan O'Toole, these two gentlemen have taken presentation to a whole new level, the madness and the quirkiness is expected from most Sportscenter's but this CenTRE was totally off the hook.

So for the past 4-5 days all I have done in my past time is watch their unlimited videos on youtube, they even have a top 10 Jay Dan segment where they poke fun at the Coyotes, Maple Leafs head coach, Thanksgiving, random Red Wing mascot who was holding up play, nothing is off hands for them, they have a go at it all, even Jay mailed Dan's wife to ask if she watched the show or not and the reply was broadcast on air, no one in the Indian media can even think of doing such crazy hilarious things on live TV. Unfortunately I may be one of the few thousand in India who tries to keep up with hockey, TSN is primarily a hockey channel with a few splurts of the NBA and the BPL.

Plus the guys at TSN seem to be decent enough to give people a chance, MrLogue was this guy who would post a lot of the top 10 videos on youtube but recently his account was blocked and removed since all the videos were "copyright infringements" so with all the backlash and anger online, TSN HIRED HIM!!!!, he is now part of the crew who uploads the Top 10 legally.

I just wish I was in Canada to be able to witness this show regularly, for now I would just have to do with the clips on youtube, damn I could have actually worked at TSN if I did some copyright infringement myself.

Oh well, here is a glimpse of what I was talking about, Jay and Dan, funny on tv personified.

If you are watching TSN, you got love here in Calcutta, give me a chance as well to work with this awesome team!

The death of love

Apologies to all the readers of my fantastic blog, that is for the 5 people I know who try to follow what I have to say, so thanks for that.

I haven't updated my blog in a while, call it the curse of work which literally destroys any so called work life balance, or lack of it, makes me go nuts just thinking of the ton of work we all or at least I end up doing but none of that for now, I need to put this out now.

Twas Valentines day 24 hours back and while half the world was trying to prove their love or show that they remembered it, I was here as usual forever alone, well not alone actually, I had my ps3 waiting for the glorious weekend to start but then again I had the same plan last week and baam all that went for a toss with a ton of work during the weekend, fair enough, I have football, right?

Not really, my following of football, well every sport has drastically been cut, thanks to work and well my own need for some r & r , gone are the days where I would be awake till 3 AM watching Osasuna Vs Espanyol, just for the heck of it. Those glorious days of me knowing and naming at least 15 players per Premier League club, gone. Champs league games to watch, to be fair I have not watched ONE champions league match in the last 14 months.

The emptyness of football is growing larger within me, I may never have been the go to guy for football knowledge but I knew about most new kids on the block and what clubs they play for , positions etc, all that is just a fading distant memory of what I used to be and what I am now, thinking half the time about what scheme to run and what promo can I use. True that is a requirement in the current capacity but certainly football should be in my mind, if a guy would think about sex every 20 seconds, well I would or at least used to think about why Torres was sucking so much post his major injury (2010 ) or how the hell can Etoo make so much douhg for Anzhi and how would they run the club at all , paying such huge wages.

Work was supposed to be freedom from the shackles of constant college and tension, studies, exams etc, where I would make dough and just live, away from all inhibitions and just enjoy life as it comes, who would have thought I would have to give up this much for something that is a trivial thing in more developed nations.

Someday, sometime in the future, I sure hope I can be with it again, this may not be the best time but we will have better days.

Football, thou are still there to make me smile during those awful days , may you never go away, I will be back. I know it.