Credit must be given where its due, with a Diwali release of his new movie, SRGay has whored the entire campaign and made it almost seem like he is running for election, now don't get me wrong , its not like I don't like the guy and his complete whoring about even saying that he would be at a marriage for all 3 days for a whopping 7 crores, I fucking hate him, he is in a long list of hate that I have, one day I will fix it.
Coming back, this entire bit of the greatest , most expensive movie ever made pisses me off, I hope the movie is a dud, I hope he never comes back to act in the lead role of the movie, I hope he never gets another hit, I hope he never gets to dance seductively with female stars who are half his age and like a 100 times whiter than he is or could ever be, I hope he has a 16 pack flab and it would go on and on and on, the movie however has provided me with something to write about.
SRGay, Hrithik and Amitabh Bachan to an extent have all acted as the Indian superheroes, not Shaktimaan esque but still Krish, Shanhenshah etc etc etc all are portrayed as THE Indian superhero but the sad fact is that they are not even close to being Indian or and Indian superhero. Got me thinking, I always wanted to be a superhero like Nightcrawler or Cyclops from the X men or have the money of Bruce Wayne or the massive complexes that Deadpool has [ do check out Deadpool] or no super powers but complete wit like Constantine [ not the Keanu Reeves version but the graphic novels], sure all these ideas are fun but what would a typical bong super hero be like? Well here he is , Bong Man
Obviously the alter ego, [real name and all] will start with S, seems ever bong I know is named with an S, when the professor starts the name call with S , it goes on and on and on, if not S then certainly the name will start with A
He will have a mustache, a badly kept one and will be going bald but for some reason he will have massive pride with the little hair he has on the head, thou shalt not comb but thou shalt not bald gracefully either.
His "spinach" would be ilish maach [fish] with beguni [fried brinjals] rice and dal, nothing would keep him down after downing a meal like that, of course he would go off for a good long doze after the meal for an hour or so, then he would have 200% energy and kick some ass.
The clothing would be the typical government working chap wearing a faded old shirt and trousers, flip flops and a briefcase, unlike Iron Man who has his suit in a case he carries, Bong Man would have old papers and receipts of all the purchases he has made in his adult life.
And the briefcase would still be wrapped in the plastic it was bought in, he would never remove the plastic, that would keep it a virgin forever , if someone dares to touch the plastic, he would use his greatest power, make a pout and become sad.
Every superhero is known for his impeccable timing and that is a similar trait followed by Bong man, unlike his counterparts he will always be late to any situation with the same excuse, "traffic cheelo" or just not bother to give a reason and start off with that IST, Indian slow time or some shit, always there at the party but just to clean up the mess when no one is there, our beloved Bong Man.
However he would, like almost every bong think he is some smart bloke with an Iq of a 150 and he would also have a view on every topic possible, from politics, red, to the fiscal policies of Uganda , he is a person immaculate with the worlds happenings, just that he has no idea of what is to be said about each thing except either to agree with it or disagree and use the same points over and over again just twisting the words here and there.
Our hero would also have a huge pot belly, perfect for those long bus rides, since he believes in public transport being the best, a crowded slow bus which would stop every 10 meters to pick up one passenger, the conductor would go "Go on inside there is a lot of space still left" when there are like 20 people hanging by the foot board of the bus, with the bus inclined to its right and whenever it would make a left turn the left side wheels would rise up almost a few inches.
Our Bong man would enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city, while he would stand right next to the female seats and give em a nice pelvic thrust with women screaming about "Gaye haath debe naa" [ Don't put hands on our bodies]
Another great ability would be of his to make sure that every great artist was bengali, from Tagore to Pierce Brosnan, from Kishore Kumar to Freddy Mercury, every one of them is bong and no one holds a candel to Tagore, no matter what field he or she is in.
But every great hero has its fallings, Bong man can never take part in a physical duel, he is too scared that his beautiful face will be shattered to a million pieces, a verbal duel? bring it on but proper fisticuffs? No fucking way.
Bong man is too lazy to do most things, and rather has a tendency to call for strikes at the smallest of reasons, he is part of a union where he is the head and he is the only member often complaining of low to no pay although he earns a salary greater than most middle class families live on, plus he gets subsidies.
Ah the Bong man, when shall we get the real bong hero we all want and deserve, maybe it is time for some one to rise up and take the challenge but then again, I bet he is too lazy to get up and make that costume I talked about.
Bong but not forgotten.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The progressive regressive complex
I really could have labelled this post as a lot of other sick sad titles but I chose to go the safe route, confusing yet true.
What this topic is about is pedophilia, don't run away this is a big topic so remember the days when i blogged about a certain Nigel Mitra, ex teacher from my school?
Well he is back!
The puja in our complex has a lot of artists performing, Abhijit Sawant was one and on the final day we get another artist to perform. Today when I was having lunch at home , my mom comes and tells me "You know who is performing today?"
I don't really care and ask "who?"
Mom replies "An old STB teacher, Nigel Mitra"
I almost choke my food and had to gulp down half a bottle of water to put the food down.
"Mitra? Nigel Mitra?"
My parents are shocked as to why I was going about his name so much, my face is a mixture of anger and utter shock.
Mom goes " Haha someone was saying he was a child molester, what crap."
My expression does not change and I tell her "Ma, he did , he actually did".
While I see the function going on I get this cold feeling within me, I must let you know, I never actually had to study under said person, no pun intended but my friends knew what kinda sick show he is and probably was.
He is a good musician though and for some sick reason he has been playing this concert of sorts for now 4 hours straight, that's right, 4 hours of watching a sick pedo freak play songs on and on and on.
I try had to think as to why the hell is he playing for so long?
Then I take a peek from my window and I get the answer. Answers actually,aged between 6-12 years, kids are seated right in front of him and he is playing his ass off, sick freak.
The sad part is everyone in the complex knows about this yet no one objects to this, give him another chance? He is human after all?
This is just to show how much we have progressed as a community and society, no more shall we degrade and look down upon people who have been kicked out of their jobs because of pedophila, Oh no, we, Indians, Bongs will make sure that these people come to our flagship celebrations [ for this complex at least] and have a fucking blast and play their hearts content , in this case will play their hearts content and then have a good wank at night after watching the children "enjoy" his music.
We really have progressed to regress and become chaman chutias, all my friends from school would have ripped this "thing" to pieces and then burnt his remains and pissed on the ashes but here we are giving him a stage to perform, absolutely sick and pathetic this is.
So many puns were there , The Curious case of Nigel Mitra
Sweet creams old man
Old is certainly bold.
What a sad state of affairs this complex is. Pathetic
What this topic is about is pedophilia, don't run away this is a big topic so remember the days when i blogged about a certain Nigel Mitra, ex teacher from my school?
Well he is back!
The puja in our complex has a lot of artists performing, Abhijit Sawant was one and on the final day we get another artist to perform. Today when I was having lunch at home , my mom comes and tells me "You know who is performing today?"
I don't really care and ask "who?"
Mom replies "An old STB teacher, Nigel Mitra"
I almost choke my food and had to gulp down half a bottle of water to put the food down.
"Mitra? Nigel Mitra?"
My parents are shocked as to why I was going about his name so much, my face is a mixture of anger and utter shock.
Mom goes " Haha someone was saying he was a child molester, what crap."
My expression does not change and I tell her "Ma, he did , he actually did".
While I see the function going on I get this cold feeling within me, I must let you know, I never actually had to study under said person, no pun intended but my friends knew what kinda sick show he is and probably was.
He is a good musician though and for some sick reason he has been playing this concert of sorts for now 4 hours straight, that's right, 4 hours of watching a sick pedo freak play songs on and on and on.
I try had to think as to why the hell is he playing for so long?
Then I take a peek from my window and I get the answer. Answers actually,aged between 6-12 years, kids are seated right in front of him and he is playing his ass off, sick freak.
The sad part is everyone in the complex knows about this yet no one objects to this, give him another chance? He is human after all?
This is just to show how much we have progressed as a community and society, no more shall we degrade and look down upon people who have been kicked out of their jobs because of pedophila, Oh no, we, Indians, Bongs will make sure that these people come to our flagship celebrations [ for this complex at least] and have a fucking blast and play their hearts content , in this case will play their hearts content and then have a good wank at night after watching the children "enjoy" his music.
We really have progressed to regress and become chaman chutias, all my friends from school would have ripped this "thing" to pieces and then burnt his remains and pissed on the ashes but here we are giving him a stage to perform, absolutely sick and pathetic this is.
So many puns were there , The Curious case of Nigel Mitra
Sweet creams old man
Old is certainly bold.
What a sad state of affairs this complex is. Pathetic
Monday, October 3, 2011
That time of the year
Everybody in West Bengal goes crazy twice a year, once during Christmas , somehow ever bengali transforms themselves into a Christian and how this is the most important time of the year and of course the New Year when all cell phones crash from 11 Pm on 31st December and my inbox gets flooded at 8 AM in the morning on the 1st of January about "Oye its 5 minutes till the new year ,please forward this message to get Rs 5555 as your balance, do it to 20 people, it works, it really does"
Ummm fuck off, it does not. NEVER HAS.
The second time is during the Puja's which is just about bigger than Christmas and New year's in Calcutta. This is that time of the year when everyone goes absolute bonkers, buys a ton of new clothes, travels late into the night "pandal hopping" not hopping like a rabbit but going from one Pandal to another, drinking their ass off and doing general maagibaazi and maagabaazi with the excuse of going to said Pandals.
I don't go for all that Pandal hopping, not because my religion does not allow, which it does not allow but because I am a lazy fat arse who , if he had a chance, would spend the rest of his life working from home and even ordering the weekly shopping online but that is never gonna happen.
Since walking around in the heat of Calcutta for hours and then standing in a crowd to enter a pandal getting elbowed and pushed about and eating street food is off the list the other thing that is done by me during this one massive week away from college, yes 1 whole week, no college, this one week I spend time watching the massive functions that take place in my complex.
Now I don't know what are the days of the Puja called but for 5 days its all shows, shows and shows. Normally we have a Ghazal night, followed by a proper singer this year it was Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant , then they have a in house talent show, a night of Antakshari and finally the Dandiya night, every day its a pain as the noise levels are actually deafening and its the one time of the year I am excused from not opening the main door as "I really could not hear the bell".
Now I don't really enjoy these functions but I have to show my face at em , its like those lame ass family meetings, you hate em, you wish you could avoid em but you just can't. This whole function on paper should suck lame ass, it really should but it doesn't and here is why:
1: The Puja is always inaugurated by some ex star, Yukta Mukheey[ ok she was not a star], this year its Mahima Chaudhury and all, this means crazy people taking photos like Angelina Jolie just gave birth to a multi colored set of octuplets , laughable as people push and pull to get one measly photo with a star who actually does have better things to do but money talks, always.
2: The singing bit by say Sawant, people again go bonkers trying to pose and get a photo with him, probably did not get so much adulation when he was in Indian Idol. Then there are the requests, people randomly ask the singer to sing some songs which he/she probably cannot and will not do but is forced to improvise as again money talks.
3: The dancing, even though these Puja days are dry days and you can't get alcohol, you do get the uncles absolutely smashed dancing randomly with everyone and everything, even all alone when and if needed, the best moves I have seen?
One had raised up, clockwise rotation of entire body , 2 rotations, other hand up, anti clockwise rotation twice , now repeat for 20 minutes, take a break and then start again.
4: The long long long lines for vegetarian food, which I will never understand. Its fucking grass and weed and people make these huge lines just to get a taste of the said food when I can have a ton of KFC and chicken at home and really bloody enjoy the texture, do not gimme that crap that soya meat has similar taste and texture as chicken. Chicken is like premium gelato while soya meat is like that cheap frozen lolly you get on the street for 5 bucks.
5: Lastly , the music on DJ night, which is the same for all the dandiya nights, the songs are all remixed versions of hindi hits and the DJ is technically a guy who can operate a laptop with fade in and fade out, plus he can pause the music and shout out
"Raise you hands" or "Make some noise" or "Where are the girls?" or "Its time to party"
Yes, that is what we call a DJ in India.
Every year I get served with the same thing and every year I enjoy it, somethings never change.
Ummm fuck off, it does not. NEVER HAS.
The second time is during the Puja's which is just about bigger than Christmas and New year's in Calcutta. This is that time of the year when everyone goes absolute bonkers, buys a ton of new clothes, travels late into the night "pandal hopping" not hopping like a rabbit but going from one Pandal to another, drinking their ass off and doing general maagibaazi and maagabaazi with the excuse of going to said Pandals.
I don't go for all that Pandal hopping, not because my religion does not allow, which it does not allow but because I am a lazy fat arse who , if he had a chance, would spend the rest of his life working from home and even ordering the weekly shopping online but that is never gonna happen.
Since walking around in the heat of Calcutta for hours and then standing in a crowd to enter a pandal getting elbowed and pushed about and eating street food is off the list the other thing that is done by me during this one massive week away from college, yes 1 whole week, no college, this one week I spend time watching the massive functions that take place in my complex.
Now I don't know what are the days of the Puja called but for 5 days its all shows, shows and shows. Normally we have a Ghazal night, followed by a proper singer this year it was Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant , then they have a in house talent show, a night of Antakshari and finally the Dandiya night, every day its a pain as the noise levels are actually deafening and its the one time of the year I am excused from not opening the main door as "I really could not hear the bell".
Now I don't really enjoy these functions but I have to show my face at em , its like those lame ass family meetings, you hate em, you wish you could avoid em but you just can't. This whole function on paper should suck lame ass, it really should but it doesn't and here is why:
1: The Puja is always inaugurated by some ex star, Yukta Mukheey[ ok she was not a star], this year its Mahima Chaudhury and all, this means crazy people taking photos like Angelina Jolie just gave birth to a multi colored set of octuplets , laughable as people push and pull to get one measly photo with a star who actually does have better things to do but money talks, always.
2: The singing bit by say Sawant, people again go bonkers trying to pose and get a photo with him, probably did not get so much adulation when he was in Indian Idol. Then there are the requests, people randomly ask the singer to sing some songs which he/she probably cannot and will not do but is forced to improvise as again money talks.
3: The dancing, even though these Puja days are dry days and you can't get alcohol, you do get the uncles absolutely smashed dancing randomly with everyone and everything, even all alone when and if needed, the best moves I have seen?
One had raised up, clockwise rotation of entire body , 2 rotations, other hand up, anti clockwise rotation twice , now repeat for 20 minutes, take a break and then start again.
4: The long long long lines for vegetarian food, which I will never understand. Its fucking grass and weed and people make these huge lines just to get a taste of the said food when I can have a ton of KFC and chicken at home and really bloody enjoy the texture, do not gimme that crap that soya meat has similar taste and texture as chicken. Chicken is like premium gelato while soya meat is like that cheap frozen lolly you get on the street for 5 bucks.
5: Lastly , the music on DJ night, which is the same for all the dandiya nights, the songs are all remixed versions of hindi hits and the DJ is technically a guy who can operate a laptop with fade in and fade out, plus he can pause the music and shout out
"Raise you hands" or "Make some noise" or "Where are the girls?" or "Its time to party"
Yes, that is what we call a DJ in India.
Every year I get served with the same thing and every year I enjoy it, somethings never change.
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