The Zone/ God Mode

16 years ago, my Dad brought home a NES. A Nintendo entertainment system for the few sods who don't know what a NES stands for, this one device basically changed my life. Playing the likes of Mario, Duck Hunt, Contra and the likes opened up a crazy fantasy filled world to me where a fat ass like me could kick some ass like no one else could.

Proper gamers would get the idea of what I will be blogging about by the 2nd part of the title but for the people who don't play video games (I don't know how you cannot game), What I am talking about is the ability to be kickass while playing any game. They say form is temporary class is permanent and this is absolutely true in almost every part of life.

Take gaming for example, there are games and then there are games which want to kick your ass in case you think you are better than that. Devil May Cry 3 was the first such game which absolutely obliterated the player, until every player knew every trick up Dante's long sleeves , so well that in his sleep he could play DMC3 without getting killed. Ninja Gaiden is another such game which wants to show people that you could be a Ninja, fantastic but there are a million other ninjas which can and will kill you. Simple really.

For a few of the pussy's who could not take the literal pummeling and abuse people came up with hacks, cheats etc, the greatest cheat which almost every computer game and a few console games would have was GOD MODE, where you could not die, have infinite ammo and pretty much be GOD in the game. Sure I have played a few games with that "God mode" cheat on but only after I complete the game, this whole GOD mode changed again when God Of War was launched, you were a soldier/God/Son of Zeus [yes spoiler] and go on a rampage like never before with some slick weapons and the like, an amazing storyline makes this a game worth playing again and again, with or without God mode, does not make a difference.

However, the God mode is sometimes in built , you play a game so well that basically you are unbeatable, no one can get you be it the CPU or any friend who challenges you, you go on a crazy run, beating all the opponents no matter how strong they are. Your class is there, your form is infinite and you are GOD.

Recently, while playing Fifa 12 after a couple of weeks of college, the game seemed tougher, opponents were scoring last minute winners or game leveling goals, frustration was kicking in and then I got it, you need the perfect atmosphere the kickass. So midnight, parents gone to bed, not one sound from the outside, lights off and a ton of my favourite music and I go on a mofucking rampage ,destroying the best teams with even my reserves. This was not God mode, more like a crazy zone where you can't see or feel anything else but the game, like you are part of the game.

The greatest example of the zone would be a midnight stint of Burnout 3/Revenge where the game is so freaking brilliant , well I can't describe it, to experience the greatest Zone ever you have to play Burnout.

2011 more like 2007

My friends at UA (Underground Authority) have become proper celebrities in and around this state at least. People jump on them for pictures and autographs, try to have a chat with em and just have a blast at their shows.

So when Babla (bass player) came over to my place with Nagu, they told me that UA would be performing at my school, STB at their fest, Melange. There is always a sense of nostalgia whenever you hear about your school, especially the one which has created and given so many stories for you to lather on people, so it was not a tough decision to make, the batch of 2007 was going back to school in 2011.

In typical UA fashion, since they are big superstars, they wanted the best slot to play and were scheduled to play from 4 PM, while I was in college getting some work done, I was sure I was going to miss them perform at school, fortunately or typically they were late and the show was to start at a quarter to 7.

Running back home from college and then running to school, I met up with Nagu and we entered, before entering, I was asked "Pass? where is your pass?"
To which Nagu replied "Don't worry, he is a part of UA"
Rock and roll motherhumpers!

I met up with Babla on stage, he was preparing for the shit which would make the STB guys believers. All this was fine, after all I did go to see my friends play, however we must not forget its STB and where there is STB there is bound to be madness and babali.

So the first thing I see, apart from our glorious buildings and that massive field of ours, was gold hair, yes , Gold fucking colored hair , guys had bleached their hair, put on sun glasses when it was 7 in the evening and it was pitch black. Somethings just wont change, as soon as we enter we hear the patented abuses about mothers fathers and all. The new thing which I saw was the presence of a lot of cars and those cars weren't of the people performing but rather of the boys out here to impress the chicks with their money, guys wearing white suits also littered the place. Financial meltdown? fuck no.

Lets not forget to mention the sound people, now I was one of the few privileged people to stand on a platform with the sound console and all, so there were pros manning the sound , making the acoustics and reverb and all that shit work well, we had this guy with his laptop recording the entire show and then we had the guy on lights. Now this guy was a pro I believe but he was from school, so it was quite freaky to see him play around on the lights console thinking he is Dj Tiesto or that chinese bloke form Linkin Park who would play with the samplers. I take a closer look and that fag is moving about like he is on fire and is playing the gig of his life, he had this assistant also acting like this guy was actually doing some shit but all he was doing was headbanging and moving his fingers on switches which he was not moving or touching. Impress the maagis? He tries.

Then the show starts and the crowd are rapturous, the guys are belting out their hindi numbers since we must remember STB don't do english, hindi is what they know and are receptive to. So receptive that a guy jumps on stage and dances his arse off only for one of the UA staff to push him off stage, while the song is on, then starts the madness

"Bhai ko dhakka kyu maara?" and this group of students are now ganging up on the bloke who tried to make sure nothing bad happened, song had to be stopped the people had to be separated by the members of the band, see, you can't change STB, no matter how many changes you make to the principal or how you govern it. Made me feel so warm inside, nothing has changed.

The last few minutes were us walking around the many corridors and classrooms we frequented so many times, it was seriously a brilliant moment, no teachers, just 5 guys walking around the classrooms , buildings and running about like mad people on the field.

For 2 hours at least I was not a person who is supposed to start working for a firm in a few months, rather it felt like I had started my schooling life all over again only that it began in STB and I was with my best friends, not being gay , just wish those days lasted a bit more, college life has nothing on school life.

STB all the way.

Fast cars, beautiful women and Maagas

Salt Lake is one crazy place, especially Sector 5, the hub of IT companies, colleges and basically a population whose average age would be somewhere around the mid 20's. Its not a wow factor to say that there are many hot women here all either studying or working in said organizations, so where there are women there must be maagas. Lets take the case of the auto drivers in the area who should only allow like 3 people to sit in the auto make sure there are around 6, also making sure the women sit right beside him although there seems to be no space available to em they just make it happen.

So back to this incident, normally I return home in a shuttle/pool car/carpool etc, its basically boiled down to a choice of either stuffing yourself in a Maruti Omni, a shit van which runs on LPG and most are in shit conditions, 6 people sit in the back facing one another and one sits next to the driver. This car is the "legal" illegal pool car (don't ask this is a long story).

The other options range from a AC bus, which you rarely get to Innovas,Sumos and Indicas, which all charge less than the Omni but the Omni has a greater number of cars so its a bit of a tough choice to make, I found an Omni and decided to get in as I wanted to get home ASAP.

Now I was sitting next to one of the sliding doors and 3 other men were also seated, then this lady comes and wants to sit near the other sliding door as she fears about molestation and the like, I don't blame her, things like that do happen, but she fights with the other men and finally gets her wish.

Blabbering on the phone, this lady, decent enough for a bang tells the guy sitting next to him to "Close the door", the man does not think twice since he was gaping at the lady and slams the door, I am listening to music and then I hear shrieks and screams, the lady is screaming, "My fingers, my fingers", fucking chutia lady had rested her hand right on the ridge where the closes, and idiot man decided to shut the door on it as he was too busy gawking at chutia lady.

The driver stops the car immediately, the door is opened and I fear that the lady must have had some parts of her finger chopped off , my fear is justified when I see this other guy jump out of the car and starts searching for something.

I think to myself "Oh Fuck it, she lost some fingers, bloody hell"
The man comes back into the car , he went out to get his mobile and the mobile was safe even though it was run over by a bus, the lady's fingers were fine as well, just a little sore. Now this story would seem a little tragic, so the guy who slammed the door is apologizing profusely to her and asking her how is she and how are her fingers.

The other people give her advice from warm water to ice being applied on the fingers, the lady seems alright now, even taking part of the blame for putting her hand near the door. So for the rest of the journey, Maaga man, AKA Idiot Man AKA the guy who slammed the door, is hitting like hell on the lady, it was so obvious, I wanted to throw up in the car.

The lady is also continuously chatting with the guy and it seems they have hit it off, oh glory for us all, we are seeing a match being made. Right before we reach our destination the guy decides to kick it up and says

"I am sure, aapke ghar mein (at your home), someone is upset and saying 'Who hurt my daughter?' he is a kamina, like your mom " [yes he did use this line on her, to check if she had a bf or not"

Without missing a beat the lady replies
"Mummy toh nahi but Saas zaroor bolegi" (Maybe not mom but my mother in law would say this)
Snap!
The guy's smile just turned into a frown and I could not stop laughing, I laughed so hard at the poor sod, he didn't say anything more to the lady.

This just proves two things
1:Women are sad who try to take advantage of sods
2:Men are maagas who will hit on women, any woman.

BTW, these 2 things just prove a couple of my laws.

4th Law:No matter how beautiful or ugly a girl is,no matter what the

place or situation is,there will always be a maaga to hit on said girl.

1st Law:The total number of problems at any situation is directly proportional to the number of larkis present there.

Clap your hands and say "Yeah!"

Our college is certainly one which tries hard to make it better for the students. From the courses available to the faculty teaching us, not all of it is perfect, this ain't a perfect world but the work done is not half bad. There are a few massive glitches in this process though, the authorities expect us to be the next Branson or Mallya or Azim Premji, you catch my drift. We on the other hand are more close to becoming kameenas and all rather than becoming the great entrepreneurs people expect us to be.

We have these special corporate connect classes where eminent people from various backgrounds come and give us a session about what the industry wants, their experiences and teach us about stuff like the eurozone debt crises or at least they attempt to.

What happens often is the said external faculty is too freaking good for us, we have no idea what is being said not because the person has some funny accent, all Indians have funny accents, its because this person knows way too much and tries to teach us on a level which is on a par with the Harvards and MITs . Sadly we are not even close to that level cos none of us really want to study and learn stuff till we are in the deep end of the pool.

These sessions are long and tedious, I mean they are often so boring that I can sleep with my eyes open. Hell we even have learned how to shut off our senses, eyes ,ears and mind don't work for that 90 minute session. 90 minutes at least, it often extends longer, when we humans have an attention span of like 30 seconds and I have an attention span of like 10 seconds, that is not a good outing for either, the faculty or us.

So how do we combat the boredom and utter frustration of listening to people talk about stuff that goes over our head? We Clap, we clap like there is no end to the day. Often the faculty is introduced by a professor, so after he is done, everyone in our class, around 100 people clap like hell, for 2-3 minutes, till we are asked to stop, we clap, we cheer, we scream , we obliterate every decibel level for a corporate building and we destroy every bit of self esteem that person has and we act like the shameless punks we are.

If you think that doing this once was bad enough , we take it to another level when the person is done with his speech and a memento is given to him, then we go ballistic , clapping our asses off, the people who do come to talk to us start blushing and silently tries to walk away but we are never done with this kinda crap and continue clapping.

The final insult that could be provided is after the clapping, instead of letting out guest leave the class, we all pack our bags and rush out like school children rather than the mature 22+ year olds we are. Totally not caring for all authorita and seniority in the corporate world. Often these people never come back to the college and we all know why, now.

So there you have it, corporate world, get ready for an influx of hard clappers and abusers, coz we be invading offices starting January 2012, no wonder the world is ending in that year.

The Last Straw

Normally I write nonsensical , highly erratic, illogical blogs which people for some reason do read and comment about, I got at least 2 people who constantly ask me about my blog, something is better than nothing, right BP and Pranav? [Mallu men]

This time around its fucking personal, I am absolutely sick and tired of being treated like my religion has absolutely no dignity or it does not deserve respect, when I hear about people saying that "XYZ said this about Muslims " and "Muslims are looked at in a certain way", I normally end up saying that its probably your fault for doing something stupid and making us Muslims look bad, hell I even said it recently over some matrimonial issue came up but after today I am sure either the country ain't secular as they say it is or some individuals just can't bear to look at us.

Its not like I have not faced crap like this before , you think that well people from a certain lower class will not be able to look past all those terrorist organizations and well the attacks on civilians and all but you sure as fuck hope that learned individuals and organizations will learn to at least respect individuals and look at them for who they are and not for what they can be or what they represent, I am talking from a country that gives us a right to follow any religion we want, well what is the point in that when everytime I say my name people act like I just popped out with a ton of nude pictures of children, you get what I mean coz heaven forbid I write the "B" or "G" word, I will have caused a furore and the police will be knocking on my door tomorrow.

I hate it when people tell me or ask any other person of any religion "How religious are you?" is that a way to guage how good or bad a person is? Religion is to be followed just to make sure that we don't end up doing EVIL things, Karma is the best example I can come up with, hell I believe in Karma but that is irrelevant, I know I don't go to Mosques as often as I should, I do pray, frequently, at least thrice a day, more than most others I know, so why is it that I can't be part of some rituals and celebrations that the 2 days of a Muslim's life is reserved for?
Is it so much to ask for?
Plus Bakra-Eid is more about giving, well so is the first Eid ul Fitr, its about distributing to the poor, but I wont be allowed to do it this year because my college, again, for the 3rd time in 2 years decides to remain open when it is a national holiday to make matters worse I have an interview with a company, and based on how there are so many rules and regulations with the corporate placements and all of my esteemed college, I wont be able to skip this else I will be out of the placement cell.

You think people say stuff for no reason about institutes and I sure as hell have tried to protect my beloved institute from a lot of crap thrown at it from many people but there has to be a limit and well they have crossed it this time, I can forgive people once for forgetting Eid, twice, fine maybe they are ignorant but this is on the verge of being racist and inconsiderate.

I am thinking as I write this blog and went all ballistic in college today , hearing the news of an interview on Eid , what would I prefer,
Living in a secular nation with secular minds but quite a few pathetic sick and demeaning minds who give you no respect when you treat everyone equally
OR
Would I like to live in a nation where we can be declared as minorities and treated like em, where we would not be an "equal" religion and we would know what our position is in the social strata, where we would know that we are the downtrodden ones and can't look up unless we already are mega rich and powerful.

Right now, I can't give an answer but you can guess why I would want to work in the UAE or Malaysia.

Bong man

Credit must be given where its due, with a Diwali release of his new movie, SRGay has whored the entire campaign and made it almost seem like he is running for election, now don't get me wrong , its not like I don't like the guy and his complete whoring about even saying that he would be at a marriage for all 3 days for a whopping 7 crores, I fucking hate him, he is in a long list of hate that I have, one day I will fix it.

Coming back, this entire bit of the greatest , most expensive movie ever made pisses me off, I hope the movie is a dud, I hope he never comes back to act in the lead role of the movie, I hope he never gets another hit, I hope he never gets to dance seductively with female stars who are half his age and like a 100 times whiter than he is or could ever be, I hope he has a 16 pack flab and it would go on and on and on, the movie however has provided me with something to write about.

SRGay, Hrithik and Amitabh Bachan to an extent have all acted as the Indian superheroes, not Shaktimaan esque but still Krish, Shanhenshah etc etc etc all are portrayed as THE Indian superhero but the sad fact is that they are not even close to being Indian or and Indian superhero. Got me thinking, I always wanted to be a superhero like Nightcrawler or Cyclops from the X men or have the money of Bruce Wayne or the massive complexes that Deadpool has [ do check out Deadpool] or no super powers but complete wit like Constantine [ not the Keanu Reeves version but the graphic novels], sure all these ideas are fun but what would a typical bong super hero be like? Well here he is , Bong Man

Obviously the alter ego, [real name and all] will start with S, seems ever bong I know is named with an S, when the professor starts the name call with S , it goes on and on and on, if not S then certainly the name will start with A

He will have a mustache, a badly kept one and will be going bald but for some reason he will have massive pride with the little hair he has on the head, thou shalt not comb but thou shalt not bald gracefully either.

His "spinach" would be ilish maach [fish] with beguni [fried brinjals] rice and dal, nothing would keep him down after downing a meal like that, of course he would go off for a good long doze after the meal for an hour or so, then he would have 200% energy and kick some ass.

The clothing would be the typical government working chap wearing a faded old shirt and trousers, flip flops and a briefcase, unlike Iron Man who has his suit in a case he carries, Bong Man would have old papers and receipts of all the purchases he has made in his adult life.
And the briefcase would still be wrapped in the plastic it was bought in, he would never remove the plastic, that would keep it a virgin forever , if someone dares to touch the plastic, he would use his greatest power, make a pout and become sad.

Every superhero is known for his impeccable timing and that is a similar trait followed by Bong man, unlike his counterparts he will always be late to any situation with the same excuse, "traffic cheelo" or just not bother to give a reason and start off with that IST, Indian slow time or some shit, always there at the party but just to clean up the mess when no one is there, our beloved Bong Man.

However he would, like almost every bong think he is some smart bloke with an Iq of a 150 and he would also have a view on every topic possible, from politics, red, to the fiscal policies of Uganda , he is a person immaculate with the worlds happenings, just that he has no idea of what is to be said about each thing except either to agree with it or disagree and use the same points over and over again just twisting the words here and there.

Our hero would also have a huge pot belly, perfect for those long bus rides, since he believes in public transport being the best, a crowded slow bus which would stop every 10 meters to pick up one passenger, the conductor would go "Go on inside there is a lot of space still left" when there are like 20 people hanging by the foot board of the bus, with the bus inclined to its right and whenever it would make a left turn the left side wheels would rise up almost a few inches.
Our Bong man would enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city, while he would stand right next to the female seats and give em a nice pelvic thrust with women screaming about "Gaye haath debe naa" [ Don't put hands on our bodies]

Another great ability would be of his to make sure that every great artist was bengali, from Tagore to Pierce Brosnan, from Kishore Kumar to Freddy Mercury, every one of them is bong and no one holds a candel to Tagore, no matter what field he or she is in.

But every great hero has its fallings, Bong man can never take part in a physical duel, he is too scared that his beautiful face will be shattered to a million pieces, a verbal duel? bring it on but proper fisticuffs? No fucking way.
Bong man is too lazy to do most things, and rather has a tendency to call for strikes at the smallest of reasons, he is part of a union where he is the head and he is the only member often complaining of low to no pay although he earns a salary greater than most middle class families live on, plus he gets subsidies.

Ah the Bong man, when shall we get the real bong hero we all want and deserve, maybe it is time for some one to rise up and take the challenge but then again, I bet he is too lazy to get up and make that costume I talked about.

Bong but not forgotten.

The progressive regressive complex

I really could have labelled this post as a lot of other sick sad titles but I chose to go the safe route, confusing yet true.
What this topic is about is pedophilia, don't run away this is a big topic so remember the days when i blogged about a certain Nigel Mitra, ex teacher from my school?

Well he is back!

The puja in our complex has a lot of artists performing, Abhijit Sawant was one and on the final day we get another artist to perform. Today when I was having lunch at home , my mom comes and tells me "You know who is performing today?"

I don't really care and ask "who?"

Mom replies "An old STB teacher, Nigel Mitra"
I almost choke my food and had to gulp down half a bottle of water to put the food down.

"Mitra? Nigel Mitra?"
My parents are shocked as to why I was going about his name so much, my face is a mixture of anger and utter shock.
Mom goes " Haha someone was saying he was a child molester, what crap."
My expression does not change and I tell her "Ma, he did , he actually did".

While I see the function going on I get this cold feeling within me, I must let you know, I never actually had to study under said person, no pun intended but my friends knew what kinda sick show he is and probably was.

He is a good musician though and for some sick reason he has been playing this concert of sorts for now 4 hours straight, that's right, 4 hours of watching a sick pedo freak play songs on and on and on.
I try had to think as to why the hell is he playing for so long?

Then I take a peek from my window and I get the answer. Answers actually,aged between 6-12 years, kids are seated right in front of him and he is playing his ass off, sick freak.
The sad part is everyone in the complex knows about this yet no one objects to this, give him another chance? He is human after all?

This is just to show how much we have progressed as a community and society, no more shall we degrade and look down upon people who have been kicked out of their jobs because of pedophila, Oh no, we, Indians, Bongs will make sure that these people come to our flagship celebrations [ for this complex at least] and have a fucking blast and play their hearts content , in this case will play their hearts content and then have a good wank at night after watching the children "enjoy" his music.

We really have progressed to regress and become chaman chutias, all my friends from school would have ripped this "thing" to pieces and then burnt his remains and pissed on the ashes but here we are giving him a stage to perform, absolutely sick and pathetic this is.

So many puns were there , The Curious case of Nigel Mitra
Sweet creams old man
Old is certainly bold.

What a sad state of affairs this complex is. Pathetic

That time of the year

Everybody in West Bengal goes crazy twice a year, once during Christmas , somehow ever bengali transforms themselves into a Christian and how this is the most important time of the year and of course the New Year when all cell phones crash from 11 Pm on 31st December and my inbox gets flooded at 8 AM in the morning on the 1st of January about "Oye its 5 minutes till the new year ,please forward this message to get Rs 5555 as your balance, do it to 20 people, it works, it really does"

Ummm fuck off, it does not. NEVER HAS.

The second time is during the Puja's which is just about bigger than Christmas and New year's in Calcutta. This is that time of the year when everyone goes absolute bonkers, buys a ton of new clothes, travels late into the night "pandal hopping" not hopping like a rabbit but going from one Pandal to another, drinking their ass off and doing general maagibaazi and maagabaazi with the excuse of going to said Pandals.

I don't go for all that Pandal hopping, not because my religion does not allow, which it does not allow but because I am a lazy fat arse who , if he had a chance, would spend the rest of his life working from home and even ordering the weekly shopping online but that is never gonna happen.

Since walking around in the heat of Calcutta for hours and then standing in a crowd to enter a pandal getting elbowed and pushed about and eating street food is off the list the other thing that is done by me during this one massive week away from college, yes 1 whole week, no college, this one week I spend time watching the massive functions that take place in my complex.

Now I don't know what are the days of the Puja called but for 5 days its all shows, shows and shows. Normally we have a Ghazal night, followed by a proper singer this year it was Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant , then they have a in house talent show, a night of Antakshari and finally the Dandiya night, every day its a pain as the noise levels are actually deafening and its the one time of the year I am excused from not opening the main door as "I really could not hear the bell".

Now I don't really enjoy these functions but I have to show my face at em , its like those lame ass family meetings, you hate em, you wish you could avoid em but you just can't. This whole function on paper should suck lame ass, it really should but it doesn't and here is why:

1: The Puja is always inaugurated by some ex star, Yukta Mukheey[ ok she was not a star], this year its Mahima Chaudhury and all, this means crazy people taking photos like Angelina Jolie just gave birth to a multi colored set of octuplets , laughable as people push and pull to get one measly photo with a star who actually does have better things to do but money talks, always.

2: The singing bit by say Sawant, people again go bonkers trying to pose and get a photo with him, probably did not get so much adulation when he was in Indian Idol. Then there are the requests, people randomly ask the singer to sing some songs which he/she probably cannot and will not do but is forced to improvise as again money talks.

3: The dancing, even though these Puja days are dry days and you can't get alcohol, you do get the uncles absolutely smashed dancing randomly with everyone and everything, even all alone when and if needed, the best moves I have seen?
One had raised up, clockwise rotation of entire body , 2 rotations, other hand up, anti clockwise rotation twice , now repeat for 20 minutes, take a break and then start again.

4: The long long long lines for vegetarian food, which I will never understand. Its fucking grass and weed and people make these huge lines just to get a taste of the said food when I can have a ton of KFC and chicken at home and really bloody enjoy the texture, do not gimme that crap that soya meat has similar taste and texture as chicken. Chicken is like premium gelato while soya meat is like that cheap frozen lolly you get on the street for 5 bucks.

5: Lastly , the music on DJ night, which is the same for all the dandiya nights, the songs are all remixed versions of hindi hits and the DJ is technically a guy who can operate a laptop with fade in and fade out, plus he can pause the music and shout out
"Raise you hands" or "Make some noise" or "Where are the girls?" or "Its time to party"
Yes, that is what we call a DJ in India.

Every year I get served with the same thing and every year I enjoy it, somethings never change.

Color me embarrassed

More than a year has passed of my Masters in Calcutta , the pressure is surely on with a lot of projects and assignments thrown down our throats, the placement season is to begin which means that people are going crazy about getting a job in a company.

Our corporate relations cell has set up so many rules and regulations its unfair, you can't change your job once you get selected, you can't miss one interview or you are out of the placement drive and a host of other rules are there, plus we are made to sign this sheet containing the rules in like 5 minutes and all, its quite stressful, most of us knowing that we wont be getting a job that we will retire with, getting the job is the most important thing for us all.

Our cell also has this bloke who thinks he is the greatest person that ever lived, not Austin Aries , the greatest wrestler and anti hero I have ever seen, the guy brags that Calcutta is a dead place and we should move out, Calcutta has no night life, no social life and all. Valid points but the facht is , HE is working in Calcutta, Why? I have no idea but I sure as hell will ask him one day.

Recently the same guy with another person from the cell, came into our class, made us sit like we were on death row or something and started lecturing us as to how one of the biggest companies was to come, Asian Paints was the name of the company . truly a big company, biggest Indian paint company, third biggest in Asia and so on, the list continues, the person was whoring as to how hard it has been for him to get the company to come here and how we should be happy and try our best to impress the person who is to come and show him our caliber and acumen.

That last bit is the thing that wont be shown by any of our students, for all the good students with a high IQ and all, which unfortunately includes me but some of the students here really know how to take the mickey out of situations, hence there is often stupid name calling for the teachers, asking random stupid questions, walking out of class going to the toilet and of course the classic , clapping your ass off even after the sir/ madam has finished the lecture, this happened to one of our college trustees , the clapping went on and on and his "stock" in front of my eyes went down and down .

So the day comes and everyone , including yours truly, has gone through the website just to get an idea of what the company is and what are the business options and plans that they do. I reach college and I dread people making fun of me for going through their website and being the butt of all jokes, I find the geeks reading the entire stock market performance over the years, stock options and all of the company, suddenly I feel I am not the sad person after all, there was one bloke worse off than me , Barik wearing a suit, for some freaky reason he wears a suit to stand out from everyone , yes he may have a high IQ as well but man does he look like a freak wearing what he does.

Now the worst bit about these meetings with the "corporates" is the timing of it, after a tough day of class, at 5 PM is our scheduled meet, which means the thing wont start before 6 PM and I wont reach home before say 8:30, If I am lucky. This day was not my lucky day, I had a terrible cold, plus 2 classes, back to back of Consumer Behaviour, which is a real toil to be truthful, Sir does try to make the class interesting but 20 minutes into the class everyone loses their interest, so after 2 classes, and a lot of sneezing and coughing, I did infect around 10 people sitting near me , some of em got to miss class on Monday, so they should be happy, back to the day.

Class ends and I feel terrible absolutely sick but I decide to stay on as that whole CRP cell may go crazy on me, the college sir comes with a few CRP people and we wait for the Asian Paints guy , somewhat sure that some old person will come who has a lot of knowledge and experience in the field, we also had somehow in our heads got the jingle of Nerolac and were thinking its the Asian Paints jingle, taking that out took some real hard work.

At 5:15 , the gate opens and this guy walks in who , at the most, is older than us by 5 years at the max, he was the HR head of the Eastern region, shocker, what was to start was more loltastic, now everyone was in the mood to impress him so all they asked was what job offers do they have and what are the opportunities for growth in the organization, then comes the barrage of questions
Q: What type of people do you want in the organization? Would you take Engineers?
A: I am sorry but its a company policy that for sales reps we do not take then but they can always apply for R&D but thats a long shot as well

Q: I did my Internship in a sales profile and I achieved my target, I am a Btech, so......?
A: Sorry but company policy again.

Q: Suppose I do apply and I have a Btech, what could be my options?

You should be able to guess the answer as well, again another bit was that we would get a sales profile in an interior tier 2 city or something , which meant keeping relationships with our dealers, meaning drinking and smoking with em, he made sure that the chicks should not get their hopes high but again a chick asks
if she will be made to go to places she would not enjoy and again the HR defends saying that the company would not expect anyone to go anywhere they are not comfortable but what was he supposed to say?
"Yes we expect each and everyone of you to whore about in front of our dealers so that they are happy and you become the sad crummy people that you are in reality"

Most of the smart people did not ask any stupid questions, some smart people did actually ask proper questions like their selling methods and all but all in all those 75 minutes I will not get back in my life, that whole clapping bit did not happen, my nose was red like a christmas ornament, my head was spinning like a top , while I made my way back home, tired, sick and pissed, the journey took me 2 hours, I somehow managed to twist my ankle real bad on the road and when I thought I did heat up my food back home I didn't set the timer right and the food came out cold from the microwave, too tired to put it back in.

The whole day was just an embarrassment for all the students, am sure that the HR will not be coming back to our college to pick anyone up, well am sure he wont come back for the Btechs and they still will ask him , Why?

So much for being in a place with high acumen people.

Raju

I have often said that I don't make things up, things actually happen to me. Meeting a colorful bunch of people is a part of everyone's life, me making some dull person's day colorful by suing my colorful language is a completely different story.
Speaking of meeting new people, I know it has been a year since I joined this prestigious management institute and yes I have made some amazing friends but in equal measure I have met some freaks and this person here takes the cake, bakery, eatery and any other food serving outlet there possibly is.

I don't exactly remember the first time I met him but I do remember alot of what he said and has done over this year, The first thing I remember about him is comparing me to the "experience" filled Bhati, who may be a good person at heart but man does he boast and boast huge, so Raju comes over to me and tells me
"Adeem, you and Bhati , pch, pch best students here and will get placed"

Now that would have been alright had that been the end of it but he went on and on like a broken record and hence I truncated his name from Rajdeep to Raju akin to the hit parody by Devang Patel where a ton of transvestites sing "Aye Raju", its on youtube so do check it out, most people would have been upset and would have abused me or something but Raju just grins like that cat from Alice in Wonderland, shrugs his shoulders like this is life and then when the joke hits him, the smile fades away and he becomes sad, like the faces a puppy or a kitten makes, its so sad yet so hilarious.

This other time a group from our corporate cell came up and asked as to who is the class representative, I did not want to be a part of it but Raju was sitting next to me and was trying to push my hand up when I told him to fuck off, again sad face, sad puppy dog face.

Then there are the bits when he tries to show his intellect like this one day we hid his lunch box and after a wash up he came up, frantically searched for it like he had lost a gold coin and then comes up to us and asks us

"Arrey did you see my tiffin box?"
I asked him "Kaunsa color?"

Now see , when it comes to describing an object its best to use terms and colors that people will understand easily and help you in finding the thing, the buggers box was purple in color, but he replies

"Magenta", WTF , why would you say and use such a color at all? Using "pink" would have been better in every case but he just would not budge and after finding his box he spent around 20 mins trying to prove his point that it was magenta and not pink or purple.

Then there are the bits when he wont write anything when the proffs are giving out lectures but as soon as they stop and we try to listen to them, he pops up and asks what we have written and not, everyone knows no one can read my writing but still he will try his level best to read it and then read it all wrong and ask me what I have written. Plus whenever the teacher speaks he will speak parallel with em, no matter how dangerous the teacher is or hot upset the teacher is and invariably he gets caught, gets scolded at and then sad face.

Of course its not that I let him get away easily, he gets constant abuses and I have these endless rants filled with expletives for him, he still takes it like a man and then sad face for a few minutes and then he is back sticking to me like some unwanted gum wrapper, don't get me wrong, he is not the worst person in college, not even close, its just that he is too needy it seems. He sits in the seat in front of mine , sometimes, and thats when the real party starts, I pull his ID tag, pull his shirt, kick his ass with my foot and of course scream out his name at the most inopportune times

Like when our Law sir was teaching us about Cyber Laws and how pornography and child pornography is to be dealt with
"I do not want to talk about the sick people who deal in child pornography, I know you people know who they are"

I scream out "RAAAAAAJJJJJJJJUUUUUU", the whole class laughs, even our Sir does, Raju , sad face, sad puppy face, I just could not resist this shot at him. The point is if you are to hang out with me, you are to get joked on and abused , all the time, and I expect the same from you towards me.

Then there was today, I just had to take a pot shot at him, what does he bring for lunch? Fucking Soy Nuggets, I hate Soya nuggets and even more because people come up with that shite that it has the same texture to chicken and all, it can never be close to chicken so fuck off to all those veges loving soya bean chunks and all, back to the point when some of my mates come and ask what does raju have for lunch.

I tell em "Suorer bacha" as in the kid of a pig, everyone is staring at me like I have said something wrong, I clarify
"Arrey what? How can I say piglet in bengali?" then comes the laughter and again as usual Raju, sad face.

Of course all this constant leg pulling is for a cause, as I told Raju one day
"Dude, I a m preparing you for life, you think I am bullying and abusing you? [with a wry smile on my face]"

raju sad, doesn't know what to say, I continue "Dude, when you go to office they will fucking rape you, I kid you not, They will RAPE you, mark my words, this is a learning in life for you and you will thank me for it later"

Raju, sad, upset, walks away, Bonbon, Happy he got to abuse someone and made that person grow in character, one abuse at a time.

COO

Being forced to take part in a competition is part and parcel of my life, while I just want to whittle away and take part in things I like, like the recent first football podcast of Jeremy 360 , I end up having to take part in talent competitions , music shows and elocution's, winning a few, making an ass out of myself in a few and being a retard in all of them.

So this time around in a corporate B school, I unfortunately or fortunately have pretty good communication skills and since most people don't pay attention in class and I do, I get a pretty good score as well, this means I am cannon fodder for most people to send me to competitions. I have been able to bunk a few of em using the "muslim", "fast" excuses but once in a while you do fall into the trap and that is what exactly happened a week back.

One of our teachers was hell bent on sending us to some competition held by AIMA, the All India Management Association , some special business game "Chanakya", which was basically working against a number of other colleges in a proper simulated marked trying to sell certain goods, yes it was fun but not that I would want to be in such a thing again.

The whole shebang started with ma'am picking me and another guy, sudip, out just because we could go there, although there were a ton of other people who could have gone to the competition as they had business experience and knowledge, they were not trust worthy and we exemplified the 3 D's of our college, not the Dudley boys but "Discipline, Decorum and Decency", don't know how but I fail in all those 3 terms.

Now we needed 2 more murgas, umm members to be part of the team, while I dragged a couple of finance people wasim and soma, wasim backed out stating the "fast" and ramadan month being on and him fasting, he would not be able to go there, I could not use that excuse since I was not fasting and had been seen in the cafeteria everyday stuffing my mouth with chicken sandwiches, crap.

So we substituted wasim with a manc, Mriganka, the only thing I got that evening were calls from all 3 saying none of em wanted to go and when ma'am heard that it was fucking tough to convince em all to go along for the ride. Ultimately we came up with a plan that, whatever happens we will fail intentionally and come back.

The next morning the reporting time for our competition was 8:30 AM, while the other 3 moaned about the time, I took a cab and reached early to another college EIILM and was I in for a shock, am sorry but my college's infrastructure owns that of most colleges in Calcutta, its classy, its fucking ace ,its beautiful and its clean. Eiilm was sad to go to, the chairs were crappy, the interiors were crappy, hell the fucking floor was bumpy , not a good start.

8:30, a few people from AIMA came in and asked us to fill in forms, when I picked the form for us, we were supposed to fill in what position each person was to take, the first thing to do was to find out if all of the people were coming or not, getting the confirmation for that was a huge relief as I did not want to be the murga in all this, I picked on being the COO, chief operations officer, thinking I would have to do nothing but sit on my ass.

The other 3 members came and we went off for breakfast, which was vege sandwiches and tea, 2 things I despise , coming back into the room we were given a 10 page case to study the market conditions and the portfolio for the organization we were to work in, the beverage industry as it were, I was not reading the case but as usual was blabbering and abusing left right and center, to which a girl objected but I couldn't care less. The AIMA people were quite happy seeing Globsyn being represented by 4 chamans, probably because we were the first batch to come here and oh yeah from the 16 teams participating, 8 were from EIILM , each had to pay around 5k to take part, which we did pay later to make sure we get the certificate.

So after another 2 hours of deliberating about the rules and regulations, we got a chance to try our luck in a trail quarter to decide how much should our production be, what should be the placement of the product, price etc, we took it easy and just slotted in random numbers from our heads, while people were furiously working on laptops and trying to get in numbers, after the trail round, we were in the 4th position in our group where the top 4 would qualify, Sudip loves this bit and says we will qualify from this group and I am thinking "Oh fuck no, I can't take this crap".

Now the girl we had in our group was decent to look at but she was miles better than the utter tosh we had to see in that college and hence she was looked at by the rest of the people ala the indian voyeur, constantly gazing like she was some European Blonde with a figure of 36-24-36, she does not have that for a figure but still.

The only good thing in this whole piss poor show was the food and I stuffed myself with a lot of chicken as usual and for some reason a lot of papads, like fucking mad I had papads, hell I even nicked em off the plates of my team mates, I was on fucking mad papad eating mode. No sweets or chutney for me please, just gimme the papads please.

Back to the competition, now we got all serious for quarter 1, the real deal was about to start everyone was so up for it and then after the 1st quarter we were still 4th, brilliant, we would qualify and all, shit I would have to come back another day to take part in it. Fate however is an amazing mistress, we fucked up on the planning bit, who is responsible for the planning? That's right , me, while we didn't increase our capacity for production, everyone else did and that brought us down from 4th to 7th in the next quarter, bummed we were and now we took an oath to work harder and moved up we did by the 4th quarter to the 5th position.

Thinking our day is over , I was waiting for the certificates and all but the AIMA people came in and told us we have to play 2 more quarters the next day and then the top 8 would be selected, 4 from each group and then they would have to play another day, fuck it.

The next day , I was the same old pessimistic retard, constantly telling my team mates not to play the game seriously or we would get fucked and that is what exactly was happening, seriousness does not work well with the Bonbon, every time they asked me what position would we come, my reply was 5th, 7th and 5th, I was right twice out of those 3 times. The most important event of the day was Sudip getting a call from KBC to be part of the hot seat and all, while he got the first 2 questions right, the third one stumped him and phussss went his KBC dream.

When the competition ended we were happy just to get the hell out of there and get our participation certificates and of course the food was fantastic, while the other people were getting the prizes for coming into the top 4 per group, we , well I was busy clapping my ass off showing my enthusiasm for no reason at all, content at being the retard of the competition I head back home, head held high, happy at unintentionally ruining my team's chances of doing well, constantly distracting them with my obnoxious laughter and being a total dick.

I tell you this much, even though your company may not do well, you need characters like me just to keep the train chugging along, actually the placement season is about to begin and I need to show any negative aspects as positives so that people do make the mistake of taking me in,jeet ke aaoge? Giggity!.

The Others Part 1

Most of us remember getting bit by the "LOST" bug, yeah that oh so awesome ABC show about this plane crashing on some freaky island which had a smoke monster, time travel, a golden cave, dead people coming alive and a lot of other confusing issues but around 2 seasons into LOST , apart from the protagonists came a new set of people who although were not part of the original cast and whose stories were not highlighted as much, they did have a huge part to play in the entire series, THE OTHERS.

While school was filled with random madness by people in my group or something happened to em which was bloggable , there were a lot of other people blog worthy , who were on the periphery of our small circle of friends. STB was filled with roughly 300 freaks worth blogging about, I will try to keep it as minimal as possible.

The Ganguly.

Yes, that is a very common surname for a bengali but I am not talking about every bengali whose name is Ganguly but about a really special lad from my school. Abhishek Ganguly, most of my classmates will remember him quite well, tall, lanky fellow, who seemed to have a speech impairment only because his mouth was full of gutka or pan masala.

The guy slept through most classes ,teachers were of the belief that he was taking drugs and hence could not concentrate in class, they guy was a little off for sure, always picking on the people who no one cared about, this new kid had come in class 11 and Ganguly always picked on him but he was about to be put into place.

Math class was never fun, with a south indian mallu teacher who was super strict and was always solving sums in his mind and making freaky math gestures with his fingers ala beautiful mind I think, not sure, still Ganguly was sitting behind Guha [rest in peace] and while class was going on and everyone was busy doing sums, we hear this massive bang coming from the other side of the class.

We all turn to face that side and see the macho man Ganguly holding his face , Guha is freaking enraged, while our mallu math sir tries to understand what has happened he decides to try and rebuke Guha because he was the slapper and Ganguly was the slappie .

"Wat Hhappened Bhoys? Gu..Gu..Guha , wat did yu du men?"
While most of us would have apologized to a teacher and moved on , he says
"Sir Abhishek was kicking me from behind and that's why I slapped him"
Guha, was this huge fellow, always body building and was nearly 6 feet 5 inches, passed away in somewhat suspicious circumstances.

Ganguly not to be outdone retorts back
"Saar, aanui jaauu, hei , saaar, mumble jumble and all"

Sir has no idea of what to do and ends up having a discussion with the two guys after class. Ganguly for all his machoness was the opposite actually, I know I am a proper mother's boy but this guy would take the cake, even though we were in class 12 his mother would follow him around to all his tutions , no matter how far they were or how many he had in a day his mom was everywhere with him, almost every teacher complained about him dozing off or him taking some drugs or something but nothing fazed him or his mother.

As Ganguly projected himself to be a bully he tried hanging around with a few of em and everyone knows there is the one person who gets picked on always in a group and in the group of bullies it was Ganguly, while he was busy threatening the one person who would say he is an "East Bengal" supporter in our class, as soon as Ganguly would shout something in his un-understandable tone the bloke reverted to

"arrey bhai, Arsenal, Arsenal".
I saw a proper glimpse of how much he was accepted into the bully community, while we were coming back from a tution where his mother was not there with him. We were driving through an alley in my car, while Ganguly was chewing something at the back "relaxing" himself from a hard days tution, he suddenly pops up saying

"Oi, Aadeem[bengali like] ota Laal"
Sandeep Lal, one of the toughest s.o.b's ever to pass out from school, Ganguly seemed so excited seeing him, he popped his head out while we were reaching Laal and starting calling his name out in his weird accent.

I didn't want to get involved in all this so I did not look at their bonding of sorts, then I hear a thud, I look around and see Laal is laughing his ass off while Ganguly is holding his eye , the car is moving all the time, Ganguly got hit again by another person this time and while Ganguly pops his head out shouting expletives to Lal, even my driver for once could not resist a chuckle and spent the rest of the time trying to hide his massive grin everytime Ganguly tried to strike up a conversation.

This just shows that Ganguly was not the mean bully everyone thought he was, quite inconsiderate as well, we had a computer sir who was specially abled, that is the correct term to be used now, so while we were talking about what to expect during the exams and when Sir was about to come to class, Ganguly pops up saying
"Dhoot baara , he will take time to come, saala Lengra"

We, well Chintoo and a few others found it a little offensive to Sir, Ganguly's reasoning
"Langra ko langra nahin bolega toh kya bolega"

Yes, true that, The Aura of the bully went kaput by the end of the ISC year , the one person who he targeted for 2 years also opened a community [ like in orkut] just for abusing Ganguly and the likes, so much for the Bully staying the bully, he actually got owned by the guy who was targeted by every student in our class calling him
"Tumhara baap tujhe saree pehnakar kya karta hai"
every day he was asked that and his only response ever was
"wohi jo tumhara baap karta hai"

This went on everyday for 2 years, credit went to Adil for continuing it, the good old days.

The Conspiracy

I have always loved those conspiracy theories, the one about 9/11, Saddam etc etc etc, I know more than half of them are as real as the love a person has for their spouse of 50 years when they see a hot new play thing wanting to tag along with em but they always portrayed a completely different yet believable aspect of any real life incident.

Coming back, our major classes began this week with the brothers being separated, Wasim took finance as his major while I took marketing. Wasn't really a hard choice, I like adverts and all and I suck at anything related to mathematics, plus I suck at computer knowledge as well so IS was not my option either.

While our classes are not always from 10- 5 as it were in the first year, we do have a long distance to travel and often have to leave around noon to reach college by 1:30, on one such day our class was in the second half of the day. We meet at around 12:40 and are on the look out for a car pool to take us to college but we find a bus, as we are the "golden children" of our college or at least because Wasim is the college topper we jump on and sit.

During an amazing , warm, sweat filled journey Wasim has this moment of epiphany while looking at this huge garbage pile near Science City
Wasim: "Adeem, tera chance hai"
Me:"WTF are you talking about?"

Bear in mind, on a normal day Wasim would have retorted back with an abuse but since he was fasting during the month of Ramadan and I was not, cos of "issues" he decided to do the calm thing.

Wasim :"Arrey , you are in Marketing stream, most of the toppers are in Finance so you could do well and come in the top 10 of the marketing stream"

Me:"hahahahahahahahahah, chutia saala mera kaam nahin hai, sapna dekh"

Little did I know, this could have been my last conversation with one of my "best friends".

The bus ride ends and in between I have racked up more sins than a whore by abusing the shit out of a person fasting during the month of Ramadan while I am not even close to fasting myself, not only that, I make sure some crappy thought comes to his head but to protect himself from this vile creature he has learned one massive thing from me
"Your intentions [neeyat] must always be clean", I live by that rule and now so does he.
As we are getting off the bus I am supposed to follow the bugger across the road all because I decide to follow the correct manner to cross a street.
Look left, then right, then left and then cross the street, this has made me the joke of my class in college, which I don't mind one bit, crossing a street near my college is not easy though, cars, buses, autos, cycle rickshaws, tempos etc etc etc all can and will run over you.

So my friend tells me, as soon as I see him cross the street I should follow him, well this day I decide to do the same, while a state bus is like 30 meters away from us , a red santro is right next to the said bus, we have enough time to cross the road, since this is Calcutta , nothing is so easy and all off a sudden the bus decides to race the Santro, which would NOT BE PICKING UP ANY passengers , the Santro also wont back down and starts racing against the bus, Wasim somehow manages to slip in between the bus and the car with his bag barely scrapping through the gap.

Now its time for the fat one, I decide to jump back and let the things pass, but right behind me is this huge concrete divider , am stuck, am freaked out and am nervous like hell, the bus driver isn't trying to slow down as well, with a bit of luck I manage to use my left had to push myself and jump away from the bus which does stop a second later.

While the bus driver , Wasim and I spent 5 minutes rebuking each other and while I lay the blame completely on him, he just smoothly walks past saying "Its the bus driver's fault".

Then it hits me, when I was studying in Dubai, I was a straight A student in all subjects barring Hindi, hell I was a elocution champion for years at a stretch however as soon as I came back to Calcutta I started sucking at studies and well porn did corrupt me but so did football, this could have been the time [marketing 2nd year major] where I could have done something big and topped or something and just when Wasim blurts out what could happen, ie me doing well in the exams for once, I am almost killed by the same "friend" who said I can't cross a street by making me cross a street, woh dubla bach gaya, and I almost got ran over.

Two things come out from this
1:Wasim is a frenemy
2:The world does revolve around me.

A year gone but nothing has changed

July 13th 2010 , the day after the 2010 world cup in South Africa and a new chapter in my life started with me going to my MBA college ,Globsyn Business School.
This post is me joining back after one year, especially after the end of the tumultuous and pathetic excuse of a summer internship I had, which did give me a lot of free time but certainly made me slog around like a whore trying to pay up to her pimp and I made more people upset than a man touching himself in front of a religious building.

Now everyone has completed their internship and its a norm to present what was done during this said 2 month job, companies are allotted randomly and people are treated like slaves to get shit work done. The first day of college starts and we get a nice lecture about how important the internship is and how much our presentation and word report counts as it could help us land some job.

Someone should have told me this before and then maybe I would have worked hard, anyways the day starts with more than half the students not coming to class, the few that did come got scared with a rumor floating about that presentations were to start today, hearing this a few more ran away, while I was safe in the knowledge that presentations cannot start today as we were not given a proper list of who is to present and when. Our presentations were to be completed a week back but still people have not even started their presentations.

While we are all laughing about what we did during our internship, our class door opens and 3 teachers walk in and while 2 of em were quite easy to deal with the 3rd one was "Ghajini" [read my earlier post about Ghajini]. The Sadist who knows more english than all the English combined was back and was he back with a vengeance. People were asked to volunteer and as usual no one would raise their hand, they did not want to get slaughtered on the first day of the 2nd year, while some people eventually did volunteer, I was forced to join along and I was supposed to be the 3rd presenter.

Ghajini was on a tear , asking people for their analysis reports of their work, he did not want the crap about the company profile and all. I had no analysis, hell I was made to work like a normal sales guy, no analysis at all. The Lord has funny ways to prove he is there, while all my friends know I could be in deep shit, just before I step up to present, ghajini leaves class and doesn't come back until after I am done.

After my presentation one of the teachers asked me
"What was your learning from this whole internship experience?"
I replied
"Ma'am, Office Politics and how to deal with em"
People laugh

Sir asks me
"Suppose Karim, you got selected in the company for a full time job....."
before he could complete his question I replied
"But Sir, we already told em we are not interested in the company or the job"
Laugh bitches laugh hard, I never lost the touch even after I was away for 3 months.

While my presentations went well enough, people got raped, proper rape, raped so hard like they show in those CSI shows where the person changes and probably will never be the same again, unable to express their feelings or talk to people for a few weeks or months, it was that bad during some presentations. I was snickering away like an arse not caring much for the sadistic rape that was occurring in front of my eyes, people were backing out of the presentations like asking for volunteers to work in Afghanistan.

Another thing apart from the internship is the presence of the new first years, cannon fodder in most colleges, ragging has completely been outlawed and rightly so, so now its called interaction sessions so that we get to know the kids better, while a few of my pals have come into the college as juniors, I don't have much time or scope to meet em up. So on the first day I am searching like a retard for my friend, going from class to class in search of him, I finally did find the junior section where my friend is studying, unfortunately he was not there. While I am leaving in a hurry to catch him at the canteen , a Sir calls me in from another class where presentations were on

"Karim, can you come here a second" , Sir says, in a hush hush tone
"Yes, sir?"
"Don't do anything", he tells me in a stern quite tone.
I laugh and tell him "Don't worry Sir, I am not ragging anyone, just searching for a friend"

The friend of mine who has joined is probably the biggest maagibaaz I know and the first thing he tells me is how he is friends with the hottest chick in the new batch who just happens to be muslim. Finally, I think, "Finally a hot chick who is muslim, maybe something good can come from this", so I meet with the friend outside the college and wouldn't you know it he introduces me to her, While we both exchanged Hello's , I was more focused on her "stats" while she didn't know what was going on, I didn't even get a good look at her face, dang it ,I could not come to a conclusion of her hotness but who cares, these interactions with females always end up like the skin on the faces of teenagers, not smooth at all.

Not smooth at all.

Art Attack

I was very fortunate back in 1999, when my parents decided to go on a trip to Europe, London and Paris were the destinations, while I loved Disneyland Paris, my father was adamant that while we were there we had to go and see one of the greatest art museums every, The Lourve.

All I remember form the place is that beautiful glass ceiling , the Monalisa and getting to see the female form, aka boobies on the Venus Di Milo,I was freaking 10 years old, cut me some slack, but back to the point, art is something that everyone can relate to but they never have the same opinion about it, everything means something totally different to another person.

My first Art class was in Dubai, quite a simple task it was too, painting the Indian flag in all its glory, this was probably in class 1, making a simple flag, drawing the chakra and filling it with color, simple enough, my flag was stiff[ no sexual puns here] some were waving around [wavin flags] and all.

Over time as we grew we found out that some were good at drawing art, there was this guy in my class Nahim, made some amazing comics in his time, while there were other freaks in my class Roshan [ who had come from Hong Kong and had told our class 5 teacher not to "touch" him aka hitting the bugger in class] who was a brilliant artist and would be allowed to do anything in class and would always get an A. Hell the guy was once messing about drawing SRGay form Mohabbatein and the art sir gave him an A++, pissed me off that did, I always believed in conspiracies then as well and told a pal of mine, "He only got the A++ coz SRgay's glasses were the same as Sir's"

Now the Sir we had in Dubai was a class act, Dilip Kumar was his name, I am not kidding, and yes stuff like this does happen to me, he had this retard dress sense often coming in sharp colors, like reds and yellows with retarded ties and well a retarded hairstyle as well, plus em tinted glasses, the first time I had seen something like that.

Comical may that be, he had one massively annoying habit, he would say "ok" a crazy number of times , his vocab was fine, it was just that a sentence of say 10 words had like 5 "ok"s in it. In fact once in class me and a pal Sumit, decided to count the number of "ok"s he would say, while we were counting in that 30 minute period, Sumit got caught and was rebuked by Sir, I was lucky to get away, official count give or take 10 was 300 Ok's in 30 minutes, congratulations a new world record.

In class 5 or 6 , he wanted to teach us "abstract art", which meant no more smooth lines but rather more graphic designs of simple objects, we were asked to draw and apple and Sumit managed to make an apple look like an ass.

Moving forward a few years and ending up in Calcutta, I was not blessed with an art class but rather an SUPW class, I still have no idea what it means. The class was basically an arts and crafts class mixed with a bit of sports, yes for 4 classes we had to write down the rules and regulations of cricket, basketball and football. It was a waste of time in a school where most of the students did not give a fuck to studying, rather they would have been interested in beating their class mate during that period.

While some days we had this hard ass Sports Sir to deal with , during the latter years we had to deal with Pinky, no not a lady but a guy teacher who had the balls the size of soy beans, the unruly bastards in class would do what they want, abuse him, make fun of him and by abuse I mean abuse the parents or a proper STB gaali. This same bugger was also chosen as the umpire in games which Chintoo lee played, the inter house cricket tournament where the bugger would change his decision based on which gunda was threatening him. Also his day job was that of being a traffic job, I mean how the fuck could he ever hold a post of authority?
He could not deal with students, let alone the pissed off drivers of Calcutta.

All I learned in this class ws how to make some stupid stick puppet and sock puppet, while the douche stole all the things we had made for our ICSE exams, yes we had to submit a "project" for the ICSE exams and then later we found out, nearly 6 months later that our "things" were being sold in the school fete.

While I never became an art lover or understood art, be it modern or classical, the only 2 things which seem relevant to me in art are
1:The Monalisa , seems everyone wanks about it, even if it could be Leonardo in drag
2:Nudity, if your art does not make sense or stand out, just paint or sculpt some nudity, always works and people call me a perv.

East, South and now West.

India is a huge country, the seventh largest in size and with 1.2 billion people living in it. It's not new to hear about the cultural diversity and all that spans all across the nation, while most of us go for holidays for a few days to certain parts, living in different regions of the country does help you appreciate the place even more, this post is not about me , its about my best friend Chintoo Lee Aka Rohit Sarkar.

Now Chintoo had been living in Calcutta all his life and when he came second in our school in the ISC and as usual doing well in all em crazy entrance exams, he was hell bound to leave the city, he was not going to spend another 4 years studying in Calcutta, he wanted to see other places, get away from it all as it were. So one of the best colleges , recently the bugger came and showed me an online site which rated his college as a top 10 college for engineering, NITK Suratkal is where he applied and got through as well.

Now this is a foreign land for him, I believe it is in Karnataka, pardon me but its just mallu land for me, so Chintoo got a new name for the next 4 years, "Mallu", even saved his contact info as Rohit Mallu. As usual he tried to explain how Suratkal is nowhere near Kerala and all but as usual it was in vain and all of the close bunch of friends would call him mallu. Don't go calling me all racist and all but he would get so affected by being in south India it was untrue, he would start and end every sentence with "dude" but this dude was not a normal dude but one spoken with a southie accent, I have nothing against it, used to but not now, but that was never his normal speaking tone and the first few days of him coming for his holidays in calcutta were spent trying to get that southerness out of him and returning him into a bong.

Suratkal as a place was always nice as he showed his endless pictures, the private beach and all but it was in the middle of nowhere and to reach town it would take a hour or two hour bus ride either to Bangalore or Mangalore. Again in the campus there would be no non veg items available barring egg, so Mallu would have to travel to the city in the weekend to get a taste of chicken, mutton etc, the bong that he is , he must have missed his fried fish and prawn/shrimp curry, bengali style.

Being away from the family does have its perks though, not much in chintoo's case, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink [a lot ], does not smoke, but he did explore a lot of other avenues, became a kick ass musician, picked up a new language, would not bathe for classes, the good old hostel life. While coming back to Calcutta was something he always looked forward to and meeting up with us, he would not be upset about going back to college as he had a kick ass time.

College is also about getting chicks, now Chintoo was never that crazy assed maagibaaz that float around everywhere they go, but he did get his girl in college, the true hallmark of being a grown up and getting into college, while all this was fine, the new language and people played havoc with this bloke and now with the "dude" and southie accent , he now also abuses, yes I know everyone would be saying
"That is typical for a STB student"
While we would say, Chutia, Randi, Harami, etc etc etc, he says "Bitch"
"Shut up Bitch", "Lose some weight Bitch", "Exercise Bitch", guess he has been watching those BDSM videos I keep in my HD.

His other "thing" was coming for a holiday during the puja every year and telling us all "I doubt If I can make it next year, will probably stay back and do some stuff for extra credit". He said this, but never meant it, he would be back no matter what every year during the Puja, the lure of the bangalee is strong I guess.

4 years down the line, he gets a job, with Reliance, he did something in metallurgy, never was good at remembering anything related to education, so he now shifts from south India to Gujarat, from south to west, although originally from the east the state is called West Bengal, though it is in the east.

He was supposed to be at a place called Baruch, Babla made it sound like some random place where criminals are overflowing and shouting out the name "BAROOOOOOOOOCH" in a loud crazy tone. The place is located like 60 kms from Ahmedabad, and the train was to stop at that station for 60 seconds only, we told Chintoo to practice getting off the station as he had around 2 bags, a suitcase and his guitar to carry.

So off he goes for another adventure, he calls me a few days after reaching the phone and is absolutely pissed, he is now staying in a place called "Dahej", which means Dowry in english, while I crack the normal dowry related jokes that everyone would, he tells me the entire place is deserted, only dogs and cows roam about, its a "friggin village". The city is located quite a bit away although he does get to eat chicken there, one good thing, oh I told him to tell people he is not staying in Dahej but rather The Hague,Switzerland, as long as people don't know the difference it wont hurt them.

Before chintoo left we made sure he learned a lot of Gujju words so as to make communication easier, so it meant that every hindi phrase was to end with "che", simple and easy for him, he says he will work there for at least a year and then see what he will do, apart from going to multiplexes which were showing "Harry Potter aur Mauth ka saugadar", yes all movies are dubbed in hindi or gujurati.

I know the next time I meet him in Jan he will have a new Gujju accent, just will try to make sure he does not forget his south Indian heritage, or the bengali one.

The start of it all

While most of my best friends know the tale of the creation of the greatest tagline in the history of STB , "Jeet ke aaoge!". Most of the others are completely oblivious about the great rich history that surrounds it, so for those people who have no idea, I will tell you a tale , one which does not allow you to fail.

It all started way back 15 summers ago, a small kid in an unknown land ,searching for who he could be, what he could do in a foreign land. The only solace he had was coming back from from the torment of school in the afternoon. While he did get used to the freaky timings and all, his parents being Indian were never quite happy enough with just school, off he would be sent to music school as well in the morning, he would eventually become a sort of show and tell where relatives would ask him to play something, this did not make him happy at all.

While his plan was just to survive school and the heat of the foreign land, his parents wanted him to grow and learn things hence when they got the news of "elocution's" being held in school,the poor boy was asked to join that as well. People forget that this kid was one of the best students in class and always got a certificate of merit for doing extremely well in studies, but as usual for Indian parents that was never enough.

So off the kid went for elocution trails and wouldn't you know it, he always got through, hell , became elocution champ in the school for a good 6 years, so yeah he was good. His mom was always the pillar who supported the freak of nature no matter what and to give him a boost and to try and calm him down she would always let him know it didn't matter if he won or lost," Do you best aur jeetne ka koshish karo, koi fark nahin parta, you just enjoy", those were her words always.

Fast forward to now, while the kid has grown up a bit, only physically, he has stopped going to crap assed competitions although a lotta credit does go to the earlier competitions for making him the freak he has now become, so one day a pal of his goes for some music competition and for good luck the kid blurts out
"dude, you must win, you can win, JEET KE AAOGE!", that was the start of the crazy one liner which the kid brings into every time he does talk to anyone.

Jeet ke aaoge now is a lifestyle, which means no matter what you are doing, eating food, sleeping, going for a walk, going to the loo, wanking(especially wanking), playing football, making notes, waking up in the morning, you get the picture now, that is why the best way to wish a person or even say good bye is by saying "Jeet ke aaoge!". Always gives them that warm fuzzy feeling which people like and is not gay in anyway.

Dreams , nightmares and the shining light from Above

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The Dinner

The first pay check is always something people cherish, especially if the said people are Indian Parents, like mine. They are the most brilliant people I know, well I have to say that, who else could be more brilliant than a couple who have to bear with a lunatic like me day in day out.

Since I am growing older, physically at least, its time to pay them back for all the years of suffering and emotional trauma I have caused. Nothing much , just a simple dinner , that would be a proper start I guess, so a couple of weeks back my parents and I both had free time, they did not have some music/movie function to attend and I did not have any football or formula 1 race to see, a plan was made and we were set to go.

My parents were quite proud that I was gonna pay the bill but like the typical caring Indian parents they did not want to push their luck, constantly asking me what we would have and not
me in a deep tone "Eat whatever you want, wherever you want, am paying so relax"

That bit done, the next thing to try and ruin it was my health, you must know by now that no matter what, I must fall ill as soon as the season changes, from summer to monsoon, monsoon to winter and then winter back to summer, and as sure as a prostitute getting STD, I fell ill a week back, now a cold normally lasts no more than a couple of days but this time around it was worse as I caught a viral fever that was affecting a lot of people in the city, had a temperature of 103 degrees for a couple of days when I even thought I was some sorta carpenter at nights,it was that bad at one stage, hell it was so bad that I even refused KFC when my parents asked if they would get me some.

When I finally do recover we decide to go to the normal hunting ground for chinese indian food, Bar B Q, an old haunt that we always go to for some of the best indo chinese in calcutta. plus their servings are ginormous and its tasty , bloody tasty , so tasty that it actually could be your last meal and you would not mind one bit.

The plan was all set till the skies opened up and it starts raining like crazy in the evening, now since I am the comedian in the family and with my parents never getting half of the humor I portray, they decide to pull my leg,
"Lagta hai, you don't to take us out to dinner, har waqt making lame excuses, your health was poor last week and now you pay so that it rains like hell, just say it, you don't want to take us out"

This went on for a couple of hours before the rain relented and we finally did go, now since it was a saturday we all expected a wait of at least 20 minutes , when we reached the restaurant we got a table instantly, dad also did not take time to park the car which was right outside the restaurant, as mom said "When things go right, they go right". The food was again brilliant , I stuffed myself like I normally do in this restaurant, even before the final morsel was taken in, I gloat and tell my parents, there is more next month as I get my second cheque then.

Paying the bill, being the guy who ordered, the waiter giving me the bill rather than giving it to me dad, made me feel grown up, almost adult like, as if suddenly I had grown from being an abusive retarded "special" 12 year old to a grown up, sane and disciplined member of society, only for the night I might add, I don't want to grow up at all. Bring on the money but I ain't growing one bit.

What's in a name?

One of the things that came to the forefront while we were struggling to pass out in class 12 was the fact that everyone is section A was known by their dad's name. They were mostly associated or called by their father's name. When this bit is relayed to people outside the heavenly gates of St thomas' those sissies all gasp as to how such rude behavior was taken in so easily by all the STB students, what these dandies don't know is that in STB you had to join em to even have a chance of surviving , saying No would mean you being vilified even by the geeks, another peculiar thing I found was the social classes which are shown commonly in those American school shows, the geeks, the gundas, the smart asses, the toppers, the popular guys, the comedians, the ones who get picked on all the time, etc.

Getting back to the topic, while the kids in that class were called their dad's name they never objected in fact some of them took the name to greater heights. I remember a time when people would call Babla ,"Babla" to piss him off, he would act all paranoid as half of his family always seemed to be around whenever he was called babla, hell once Kaps Hiramanek/Gaylord went to Babla's house before he became the infamous bassist of Underground Authority, and was shouting out while he was in his room, "Babla kahaaan hai? Ae BABLAAAAAA"

Now Babla has taken that name and changed it to Bubbla, to be different , and to be frank its a hell lot easier to spell and say than Soumyadeep Bhattacharya.
Plus its also for an identity , something that people can remember you by easily, hell that's why I came up with that Bonbon bit, although my nick name is Bonny ,again typically bengali family must have some sorta name for their kid, no matter how stupid or funny it is, babai, titil, raja, lovely,pom pom, bulai etc etc etc, with those kinda names, my "Bonny" does not seem so bad.

We all make or have names so that people later on remember "Oh shit that fucker was so funny" or in some other people's case "Are you fucking kidding? Don't ever talk to that idiot, saala randi of the millennium"

And of course if someone says "Damn I remember that retard , bonbon, better than anyone" is miles better than saying the same about Adeem, the alter ego, so the best thing you can do is give yourself a name, like one of those crazy kayzee online names people put up, its easier to remember people ,3D,Ani, Immy, Sri.easy to remember and then problems come when you have the Ajay's, The Varun's etc, am not saying that I confuse these people easily but if someone says "Ajay posted XYZ" , I would need the 2nd name, the title to understand who did what.

Then we have Gittu
http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#AlbumZoom?uid=10845145806525454020&pid=1267068102287&aid=1267042755$pid=1267068016514

less said the better

The Devil's Reject

My mom keeps telling me a couple of things these days, especially since my internship started.

1: You cannot choose who your boss is
2: You cannot choose who your parents are

The latter because she has seen a ton of children mess about with their parents in their old age, while the former because she sees me coming home absolutely pissed and angry, the family genes finally kick in, I do have crazy anger like both my parents.

How did I unlock this rage?

Lets go back a couple of days, well actually 4 weeks back when we had to meet the MD of the company where I was doing my SIP, while the bugger did talk big about his company and all, he somehow thought we had done no work at all for a couple of weeks, which was far from the truth, the thing was that the regional manager wanted to save his ass and thus he threw us interns into the deep end of the pool.

This regional head was the bloke who made 1.45 Crore in one financial year and then came to work in a company which was barely 2 years in its existence, Why?
Because he loves money, that is his only motivation,I got plans for that.

So while 6 weeks pass without much problems barring the one i just stated above, we got most of the work done and were in the final leg of making the project for submission, we hear that the boss wants to meet us and talk to us, when we reach the 666 office, (6 camac street, 6th floor, suite no 600) we see that the boss is ripping all the employees into pieces, we weren't scared, as we had come prepared with our own arsenal. We , however didn't meet the boss but the regional head who knowing well enough that we have barely 7 days left in our internship gives us a new project to be done in less than 7 days.

The new project was located around 50 kms from Calcutta, which to a normal bloke would not seem to be far but the conditions of the roads in Calcutta make a 10 km, 20 minute journey, one that lasts more than an hour, so this journey was to take around 2 hours, easily.

I had decided that no one would be going to this new project in the middle of nowhere, but a few pals told me that since we had not caused much of a stir in the office and its our last week, we might as well visit the place, once.

We did visit the place, when we actually vehemently said that we would not to the regional head, who came up with crap assed excuses like "I have not forced you guys to do anything" and all, in fact in the office people had to calm us interns down as we would have actually beaten up the said guy.

So we went to the site, with no names, or even an address of the project, a residential building is coming up somewhere in the middle of a jungle, this part of the city does not speak hindi, which was bad for me as my bengali is not up to the mark. Fortunately the other interns can speak pretty well, so while we spent around 1 hour just searching for the place, the regional head tells us to wait in the developers office and that he would come soon, the time was around 2 PM , we waited till around 2:30 before we called the HR and asked about the whereabouts.

The developer was actually in our office signing some papers , with the regional head also there, he fucking knew the developer would not be in Andul but in Calcutta, yet he sent us there to do nothing and waste our time, fuck the head we left for home.

The next day we again decided we were not going, no fucking way, this time the douche greets us and asks us about the project, we told him the project was shit and we have no idea as to why the firm was trying to sell a building in the middle of nowhere, where a local dealer would sell this property and that there was no need for the company to deal with it as they had no scope of selling anything or gaining anything fruitful from it.

He then tells us that there is this huge piece of land another 20 minutes from the first property and that was their main aim, this was a side project of the same developer, so we should go to the market place and get the views and ideas of the people there as to what are their needs and wants, initially we were asked to get around 50 leads per person so that these people would want to buy the flats, we got so upset with this bit as we had just gone to that place and they told us to do nothing, this time we told em that we would go the next day but not today
The head asks me "What are you going to do today?"
I got pissed and replied "Am going home to do nothing"
That shut him up, the HR had to come and solve the problem, now we had to interview 25 people and get the hell out of the place, while the head kept on insisting that he would meet us there at around 2 PM.

We reached Andul and started pestering a lot of people in the area for their views on a new project, while people didn't care about swimming pools and gymnasiums in the complex, they wanted power back up and car parking, but I don't think you guys give a shit to this bit so I am moving on, while I nearly pissed off and got thrown out of a photocopy ( its not xerox , idiots) center as I couldn't speak proper bengali.

Fast forward, its 2:30 and no sign of the head, so we call the HR who calls the head, who calls us and tells us to wait near the SBI ATM and that he would be there in 2 mins, it becomes 3 PM and no sign of him yet, we then see the old bloke from the developers office rushing out in his cycle, we shout out to him and find out that our head is sitting in the office and is waiting to have something to drink, sprite is the choice for today.

At 3:30 we call him again and this time he says he can see us in front of the ATM
We tell him where ? we aren't at the ATM
He replies, where are you?
We tell him that we are close by, we were standing near the developers house and the douche is walking with a smile but that smile fades when he sees 5 angry people looking at him.

Now the freak is caught, so we ask him how he came here?
He says via bus, we rip him as he did not have a ticket to prove it, damn douche was lying again when he said that there was a good restaurant close by , again crap, we gave him those 25 response sheets that we had got and left.

Today, there is no smile on his face when he enters the office but I give him this wry smile and greet him in my obnoxious rapist tone "Good morning Saaaar", freak didn't respond, then he comes to me and tells me that we are going to Andul again and starts telling me and showing me on a piece of paper where he will place some billboards and all, the entire time I am playing Angry Birds on my cell and not giving a damn to what he says, all the other interns come, he says the same crap, no one gives a shit and we leave for home.

Fuck it, we got 4 days left, I am not going half way across the state to some undeveloped village and getting pissed for no reason.

this douche said his only motivation is money, If I become this big tycoon, I will buy him and make him clean public urinals with his mouth, pay him handsomely I will but he better be prepared to become a real douche.