More than a year has passed of my Masters in Calcutta , the pressure is surely on with a lot of projects and assignments thrown down our throats, the placement season is to begin which means that people are going crazy about getting a job in a company.
Our corporate relations cell has set up so many rules and regulations its unfair, you can't change your job once you get selected, you can't miss one interview or you are out of the placement drive and a host of other rules are there, plus we are made to sign this sheet containing the rules in like 5 minutes and all, its quite stressful, most of us knowing that we wont be getting a job that we will retire with, getting the job is the most important thing for us all.
Our cell also has this bloke who thinks he is the greatest person that ever lived, not Austin Aries , the greatest wrestler and anti hero I have ever seen, the guy brags that Calcutta is a dead place and we should move out, Calcutta has no night life, no social life and all. Valid points but the facht is , HE is working in Calcutta, Why? I have no idea but I sure as hell will ask him one day.
Recently the same guy with another person from the cell, came into our class, made us sit like we were on death row or something and started lecturing us as to how one of the biggest companies was to come, Asian Paints was the name of the company . truly a big company, biggest Indian paint company, third biggest in Asia and so on, the list continues, the person was whoring as to how hard it has been for him to get the company to come here and how we should be happy and try our best to impress the person who is to come and show him our caliber and acumen.
That last bit is the thing that wont be shown by any of our students, for all the good students with a high IQ and all, which unfortunately includes me but some of the students here really know how to take the mickey out of situations, hence there is often stupid name calling for the teachers, asking random stupid questions, walking out of class going to the toilet and of course the classic , clapping your ass off even after the sir/ madam has finished the lecture, this happened to one of our college trustees , the clapping went on and on and his "stock" in front of my eyes went down and down .
So the day comes and everyone , including yours truly, has gone through the website just to get an idea of what the company is and what are the business options and plans that they do. I reach college and I dread people making fun of me for going through their website and being the butt of all jokes, I find the geeks reading the entire stock market performance over the years, stock options and all of the company, suddenly I feel I am not the sad person after all, there was one bloke worse off than me , Barik wearing a suit, for some freaky reason he wears a suit to stand out from everyone , yes he may have a high IQ as well but man does he look like a freak wearing what he does.
Now the worst bit about these meetings with the "corporates" is the timing of it, after a tough day of class, at 5 PM is our scheduled meet, which means the thing wont start before 6 PM and I wont reach home before say 8:30, If I am lucky. This day was not my lucky day, I had a terrible cold, plus 2 classes, back to back of Consumer Behaviour, which is a real toil to be truthful, Sir does try to make the class interesting but 20 minutes into the class everyone loses their interest, so after 2 classes, and a lot of sneezing and coughing, I did infect around 10 people sitting near me , some of em got to miss class on Monday, so they should be happy, back to the day.
Class ends and I feel terrible absolutely sick but I decide to stay on as that whole CRP cell may go crazy on me, the college sir comes with a few CRP people and we wait for the Asian Paints guy , somewhat sure that some old person will come who has a lot of knowledge and experience in the field, we also had somehow in our heads got the jingle of Nerolac and were thinking its the Asian Paints jingle, taking that out took some real hard work.
At 5:15 , the gate opens and this guy walks in who , at the most, is older than us by 5 years at the max, he was the HR head of the Eastern region, shocker, what was to start was more loltastic, now everyone was in the mood to impress him so all they asked was what job offers do they have and what are the opportunities for growth in the organization, then comes the barrage of questions
Q: What type of people do you want in the organization? Would you take Engineers?
A: I am sorry but its a company policy that for sales reps we do not take then but they can always apply for R&D but thats a long shot as well
Q: I did my Internship in a sales profile and I achieved my target, I am a Btech, so......?
A: Sorry but company policy again.
Q: Suppose I do apply and I have a Btech, what could be my options?
You should be able to guess the answer as well, again another bit was that we would get a sales profile in an interior tier 2 city or something , which meant keeping relationships with our dealers, meaning drinking and smoking with em, he made sure that the chicks should not get their hopes high but again a chick asks
if she will be made to go to places she would not enjoy and again the HR defends saying that the company would not expect anyone to go anywhere they are not comfortable but what was he supposed to say?
"Yes we expect each and everyone of you to whore about in front of our dealers so that they are happy and you become the sad crummy people that you are in reality"
Most of the smart people did not ask any stupid questions, some smart people did actually ask proper questions like their selling methods and all but all in all those 75 minutes I will not get back in my life, that whole clapping bit did not happen, my nose was red like a christmas ornament, my head was spinning like a top , while I made my way back home, tired, sick and pissed, the journey took me 2 hours, I somehow managed to twist my ankle real bad on the road and when I thought I did heat up my food back home I didn't set the timer right and the food came out cold from the microwave, too tired to put it back in.
The whole day was just an embarrassment for all the students, am sure that the HR will not be coming back to our college to pick anyone up, well am sure he wont come back for the Btechs and they still will ask him , Why?
So much for being in a place with high acumen people.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Raju
I have often said that I don't make things up, things actually happen to me. Meeting a colorful bunch of people is a part of everyone's life, me making some dull person's day colorful by suing my colorful language is a completely different story.
Speaking of meeting new people, I know it has been a year since I joined this prestigious management institute and yes I have made some amazing friends but in equal measure I have met some freaks and this person here takes the cake, bakery, eatery and any other food serving outlet there possibly is.
I don't exactly remember the first time I met him but I do remember alot of what he said and has done over this year, The first thing I remember about him is comparing me to the "experience" filled Bhati, who may be a good person at heart but man does he boast and boast huge, so Raju comes over to me and tells me
"Adeem, you and Bhati , pch, pch best students here and will get placed"
Now that would have been alright had that been the end of it but he went on and on like a broken record and hence I truncated his name from Rajdeep to Raju akin to the hit parody by Devang Patel where a ton of transvestites sing "Aye Raju", its on youtube so do check it out, most people would have been upset and would have abused me or something but Raju just grins like that cat from Alice in Wonderland, shrugs his shoulders like this is life and then when the joke hits him, the smile fades away and he becomes sad, like the faces a puppy or a kitten makes, its so sad yet so hilarious.
This other time a group from our corporate cell came up and asked as to who is the class representative, I did not want to be a part of it but Raju was sitting next to me and was trying to push my hand up when I told him to fuck off, again sad face, sad puppy dog face.
Then there are the bits when he tries to show his intellect like this one day we hid his lunch box and after a wash up he came up, frantically searched for it like he had lost a gold coin and then comes up to us and asks us
"Arrey did you see my tiffin box?"
I asked him "Kaunsa color?"
Now see , when it comes to describing an object its best to use terms and colors that people will understand easily and help you in finding the thing, the buggers box was purple in color, but he replies
"Magenta", WTF , why would you say and use such a color at all? Using "pink" would have been better in every case but he just would not budge and after finding his box he spent around 20 mins trying to prove his point that it was magenta and not pink or purple.
Then there are the bits when he wont write anything when the proffs are giving out lectures but as soon as they stop and we try to listen to them, he pops up and asks what we have written and not, everyone knows no one can read my writing but still he will try his level best to read it and then read it all wrong and ask me what I have written. Plus whenever the teacher speaks he will speak parallel with em, no matter how dangerous the teacher is or hot upset the teacher is and invariably he gets caught, gets scolded at and then sad face.
Of course its not that I let him get away easily, he gets constant abuses and I have these endless rants filled with expletives for him, he still takes it like a man and then sad face for a few minutes and then he is back sticking to me like some unwanted gum wrapper, don't get me wrong, he is not the worst person in college, not even close, its just that he is too needy it seems. He sits in the seat in front of mine , sometimes, and thats when the real party starts, I pull his ID tag, pull his shirt, kick his ass with my foot and of course scream out his name at the most inopportune times
Like when our Law sir was teaching us about Cyber Laws and how pornography and child pornography is to be dealt with
"I do not want to talk about the sick people who deal in child pornography, I know you people know who they are"
I scream out "RAAAAAAJJJJJJJJUUUUUU", the whole class laughs, even our Sir does, Raju , sad face, sad puppy face, I just could not resist this shot at him. The point is if you are to hang out with me, you are to get joked on and abused , all the time, and I expect the same from you towards me.
Then there was today, I just had to take a pot shot at him, what does he bring for lunch? Fucking Soy Nuggets, I hate Soya nuggets and even more because people come up with that shite that it has the same texture to chicken and all, it can never be close to chicken so fuck off to all those veges loving soya bean chunks and all, back to the point when some of my mates come and ask what does raju have for lunch.
I tell em "Suorer bacha" as in the kid of a pig, everyone is staring at me like I have said something wrong, I clarify
"Arrey what? How can I say piglet in bengali?" then comes the laughter and again as usual Raju, sad face.
Of course all this constant leg pulling is for a cause, as I told Raju one day
"Dude, I a m preparing you for life, you think I am bullying and abusing you? [with a wry smile on my face]"
raju sad, doesn't know what to say, I continue "Dude, when you go to office they will fucking rape you, I kid you not, They will RAPE you, mark my words, this is a learning in life for you and you will thank me for it later"
Raju, sad, upset, walks away, Bonbon, Happy he got to abuse someone and made that person grow in character, one abuse at a time.
Speaking of meeting new people, I know it has been a year since I joined this prestigious management institute and yes I have made some amazing friends but in equal measure I have met some freaks and this person here takes the cake, bakery, eatery and any other food serving outlet there possibly is.
I don't exactly remember the first time I met him but I do remember alot of what he said and has done over this year, The first thing I remember about him is comparing me to the "experience" filled Bhati, who may be a good person at heart but man does he boast and boast huge, so Raju comes over to me and tells me
"Adeem, you and Bhati , pch, pch best students here and will get placed"
Now that would have been alright had that been the end of it but he went on and on like a broken record and hence I truncated his name from Rajdeep to Raju akin to the hit parody by Devang Patel where a ton of transvestites sing "Aye Raju", its on youtube so do check it out, most people would have been upset and would have abused me or something but Raju just grins like that cat from Alice in Wonderland, shrugs his shoulders like this is life and then when the joke hits him, the smile fades away and he becomes sad, like the faces a puppy or a kitten makes, its so sad yet so hilarious.
This other time a group from our corporate cell came up and asked as to who is the class representative, I did not want to be a part of it but Raju was sitting next to me and was trying to push my hand up when I told him to fuck off, again sad face, sad puppy dog face.
Then there are the bits when he tries to show his intellect like this one day we hid his lunch box and after a wash up he came up, frantically searched for it like he had lost a gold coin and then comes up to us and asks us
"Arrey did you see my tiffin box?"
I asked him "Kaunsa color?"
Now see , when it comes to describing an object its best to use terms and colors that people will understand easily and help you in finding the thing, the buggers box was purple in color, but he replies
"Magenta", WTF , why would you say and use such a color at all? Using "pink" would have been better in every case but he just would not budge and after finding his box he spent around 20 mins trying to prove his point that it was magenta and not pink or purple.
Then there are the bits when he wont write anything when the proffs are giving out lectures but as soon as they stop and we try to listen to them, he pops up and asks what we have written and not, everyone knows no one can read my writing but still he will try his level best to read it and then read it all wrong and ask me what I have written. Plus whenever the teacher speaks he will speak parallel with em, no matter how dangerous the teacher is or hot upset the teacher is and invariably he gets caught, gets scolded at and then sad face.
Of course its not that I let him get away easily, he gets constant abuses and I have these endless rants filled with expletives for him, he still takes it like a man and then sad face for a few minutes and then he is back sticking to me like some unwanted gum wrapper, don't get me wrong, he is not the worst person in college, not even close, its just that he is too needy it seems. He sits in the seat in front of mine , sometimes, and thats when the real party starts, I pull his ID tag, pull his shirt, kick his ass with my foot and of course scream out his name at the most inopportune times
Like when our Law sir was teaching us about Cyber Laws and how pornography and child pornography is to be dealt with
"I do not want to talk about the sick people who deal in child pornography, I know you people know who they are"
I scream out "RAAAAAAJJJJJJJJUUUUUU", the whole class laughs, even our Sir does, Raju , sad face, sad puppy face, I just could not resist this shot at him. The point is if you are to hang out with me, you are to get joked on and abused , all the time, and I expect the same from you towards me.
Then there was today, I just had to take a pot shot at him, what does he bring for lunch? Fucking Soy Nuggets, I hate Soya nuggets and even more because people come up with that shite that it has the same texture to chicken and all, it can never be close to chicken so fuck off to all those veges loving soya bean chunks and all, back to the point when some of my mates come and ask what does raju have for lunch.
I tell em "Suorer bacha" as in the kid of a pig, everyone is staring at me like I have said something wrong, I clarify
"Arrey what? How can I say piglet in bengali?" then comes the laughter and again as usual Raju, sad face.
Of course all this constant leg pulling is for a cause, as I told Raju one day
"Dude, I a m preparing you for life, you think I am bullying and abusing you? [with a wry smile on my face]"
raju sad, doesn't know what to say, I continue "Dude, when you go to office they will fucking rape you, I kid you not, They will RAPE you, mark my words, this is a learning in life for you and you will thank me for it later"
Raju, sad, upset, walks away, Bonbon, Happy he got to abuse someone and made that person grow in character, one abuse at a time.
Monday, September 5, 2011
COO
Being forced to take part in a competition is part and parcel of my life, while I just want to whittle away and take part in things I like, like the recent first football podcast of Jeremy 360 , I end up having to take part in talent competitions , music shows and elocution's, winning a few, making an ass out of myself in a few and being a retard in all of them.
So this time around in a corporate B school, I unfortunately or fortunately have pretty good communication skills and since most people don't pay attention in class and I do, I get a pretty good score as well, this means I am cannon fodder for most people to send me to competitions. I have been able to bunk a few of em using the "muslim", "fast" excuses but once in a while you do fall into the trap and that is what exactly happened a week back.
One of our teachers was hell bent on sending us to some competition held by AIMA, the All India Management Association , some special business game "Chanakya", which was basically working against a number of other colleges in a proper simulated marked trying to sell certain goods, yes it was fun but not that I would want to be in such a thing again.
The whole shebang started with ma'am picking me and another guy, sudip, out just because we could go there, although there were a ton of other people who could have gone to the competition as they had business experience and knowledge, they were not trust worthy and we exemplified the 3 D's of our college, not the Dudley boys but "Discipline, Decorum and Decency", don't know how but I fail in all those 3 terms.
Now we needed 2 more murgas, umm members to be part of the team, while I dragged a couple of finance people wasim and soma, wasim backed out stating the "fast" and ramadan month being on and him fasting, he would not be able to go there, I could not use that excuse since I was not fasting and had been seen in the cafeteria everyday stuffing my mouth with chicken sandwiches, crap.
So we substituted wasim with a manc, Mriganka, the only thing I got that evening were calls from all 3 saying none of em wanted to go and when ma'am heard that it was fucking tough to convince em all to go along for the ride. Ultimately we came up with a plan that, whatever happens we will fail intentionally and come back.
The next morning the reporting time for our competition was 8:30 AM, while the other 3 moaned about the time, I took a cab and reached early to another college EIILM and was I in for a shock, am sorry but my college's infrastructure owns that of most colleges in Calcutta, its classy, its fucking ace ,its beautiful and its clean. Eiilm was sad to go to, the chairs were crappy, the interiors were crappy, hell the fucking floor was bumpy , not a good start.
8:30, a few people from AIMA came in and asked us to fill in forms, when I picked the form for us, we were supposed to fill in what position each person was to take, the first thing to do was to find out if all of the people were coming or not, getting the confirmation for that was a huge relief as I did not want to be the murga in all this, I picked on being the COO, chief operations officer, thinking I would have to do nothing but sit on my ass.
The other 3 members came and we went off for breakfast, which was vege sandwiches and tea, 2 things I despise , coming back into the room we were given a 10 page case to study the market conditions and the portfolio for the organization we were to work in, the beverage industry as it were, I was not reading the case but as usual was blabbering and abusing left right and center, to which a girl objected but I couldn't care less. The AIMA people were quite happy seeing Globsyn being represented by 4 chamans, probably because we were the first batch to come here and oh yeah from the 16 teams participating, 8 were from EIILM , each had to pay around 5k to take part, which we did pay later to make sure we get the certificate.
So after another 2 hours of deliberating about the rules and regulations, we got a chance to try our luck in a trail quarter to decide how much should our production be, what should be the placement of the product, price etc, we took it easy and just slotted in random numbers from our heads, while people were furiously working on laptops and trying to get in numbers, after the trail round, we were in the 4th position in our group where the top 4 would qualify, Sudip loves this bit and says we will qualify from this group and I am thinking "Oh fuck no, I can't take this crap".
Now the girl we had in our group was decent to look at but she was miles better than the utter tosh we had to see in that college and hence she was looked at by the rest of the people ala the indian voyeur, constantly gazing like she was some European Blonde with a figure of 36-24-36, she does not have that for a figure but still.
The only good thing in this whole piss poor show was the food and I stuffed myself with a lot of chicken as usual and for some reason a lot of papads, like fucking mad I had papads, hell I even nicked em off the plates of my team mates, I was on fucking mad papad eating mode. No sweets or chutney for me please, just gimme the papads please.
Back to the competition, now we got all serious for quarter 1, the real deal was about to start everyone was so up for it and then after the 1st quarter we were still 4th, brilliant, we would qualify and all, shit I would have to come back another day to take part in it. Fate however is an amazing mistress, we fucked up on the planning bit, who is responsible for the planning? That's right , me, while we didn't increase our capacity for production, everyone else did and that brought us down from 4th to 7th in the next quarter, bummed we were and now we took an oath to work harder and moved up we did by the 4th quarter to the 5th position.
Thinking our day is over , I was waiting for the certificates and all but the AIMA people came in and told us we have to play 2 more quarters the next day and then the top 8 would be selected, 4 from each group and then they would have to play another day, fuck it.
The next day , I was the same old pessimistic retard, constantly telling my team mates not to play the game seriously or we would get fucked and that is what exactly was happening, seriousness does not work well with the Bonbon, every time they asked me what position would we come, my reply was 5th, 7th and 5th, I was right twice out of those 3 times. The most important event of the day was Sudip getting a call from KBC to be part of the hot seat and all, while he got the first 2 questions right, the third one stumped him and phussss went his KBC dream.
When the competition ended we were happy just to get the hell out of there and get our participation certificates and of course the food was fantastic, while the other people were getting the prizes for coming into the top 4 per group, we , well I was busy clapping my ass off showing my enthusiasm for no reason at all, content at being the retard of the competition I head back home, head held high, happy at unintentionally ruining my team's chances of doing well, constantly distracting them with my obnoxious laughter and being a total dick.
I tell you this much, even though your company may not do well, you need characters like me just to keep the train chugging along, actually the placement season is about to begin and I need to show any negative aspects as positives so that people do make the mistake of taking me in,jeet ke aaoge? Giggity!.
So this time around in a corporate B school, I unfortunately or fortunately have pretty good communication skills and since most people don't pay attention in class and I do, I get a pretty good score as well, this means I am cannon fodder for most people to send me to competitions. I have been able to bunk a few of em using the "muslim", "fast" excuses but once in a while you do fall into the trap and that is what exactly happened a week back.
One of our teachers was hell bent on sending us to some competition held by AIMA, the All India Management Association , some special business game "Chanakya", which was basically working against a number of other colleges in a proper simulated marked trying to sell certain goods, yes it was fun but not that I would want to be in such a thing again.
The whole shebang started with ma'am picking me and another guy, sudip, out just because we could go there, although there were a ton of other people who could have gone to the competition as they had business experience and knowledge, they were not trust worthy and we exemplified the 3 D's of our college, not the Dudley boys but "Discipline, Decorum and Decency", don't know how but I fail in all those 3 terms.
Now we needed 2 more murgas, umm members to be part of the team, while I dragged a couple of finance people wasim and soma, wasim backed out stating the "fast" and ramadan month being on and him fasting, he would not be able to go there, I could not use that excuse since I was not fasting and had been seen in the cafeteria everyday stuffing my mouth with chicken sandwiches, crap.
So we substituted wasim with a manc, Mriganka, the only thing I got that evening were calls from all 3 saying none of em wanted to go and when ma'am heard that it was fucking tough to convince em all to go along for the ride. Ultimately we came up with a plan that, whatever happens we will fail intentionally and come back.
The next morning the reporting time for our competition was 8:30 AM, while the other 3 moaned about the time, I took a cab and reached early to another college EIILM and was I in for a shock, am sorry but my college's infrastructure owns that of most colleges in Calcutta, its classy, its fucking ace ,its beautiful and its clean. Eiilm was sad to go to, the chairs were crappy, the interiors were crappy, hell the fucking floor was bumpy , not a good start.
8:30, a few people from AIMA came in and asked us to fill in forms, when I picked the form for us, we were supposed to fill in what position each person was to take, the first thing to do was to find out if all of the people were coming or not, getting the confirmation for that was a huge relief as I did not want to be the murga in all this, I picked on being the COO, chief operations officer, thinking I would have to do nothing but sit on my ass.
The other 3 members came and we went off for breakfast, which was vege sandwiches and tea, 2 things I despise , coming back into the room we were given a 10 page case to study the market conditions and the portfolio for the organization we were to work in, the beverage industry as it were, I was not reading the case but as usual was blabbering and abusing left right and center, to which a girl objected but I couldn't care less. The AIMA people were quite happy seeing Globsyn being represented by 4 chamans, probably because we were the first batch to come here and oh yeah from the 16 teams participating, 8 were from EIILM , each had to pay around 5k to take part, which we did pay later to make sure we get the certificate.
So after another 2 hours of deliberating about the rules and regulations, we got a chance to try our luck in a trail quarter to decide how much should our production be, what should be the placement of the product, price etc, we took it easy and just slotted in random numbers from our heads, while people were furiously working on laptops and trying to get in numbers, after the trail round, we were in the 4th position in our group where the top 4 would qualify, Sudip loves this bit and says we will qualify from this group and I am thinking "Oh fuck no, I can't take this crap".
Now the girl we had in our group was decent to look at but she was miles better than the utter tosh we had to see in that college and hence she was looked at by the rest of the people ala the indian voyeur, constantly gazing like she was some European Blonde with a figure of 36-24-36, she does not have that for a figure but still.
The only good thing in this whole piss poor show was the food and I stuffed myself with a lot of chicken as usual and for some reason a lot of papads, like fucking mad I had papads, hell I even nicked em off the plates of my team mates, I was on fucking mad papad eating mode. No sweets or chutney for me please, just gimme the papads please.
Back to the competition, now we got all serious for quarter 1, the real deal was about to start everyone was so up for it and then after the 1st quarter we were still 4th, brilliant, we would qualify and all, shit I would have to come back another day to take part in it. Fate however is an amazing mistress, we fucked up on the planning bit, who is responsible for the planning? That's right , me, while we didn't increase our capacity for production, everyone else did and that brought us down from 4th to 7th in the next quarter, bummed we were and now we took an oath to work harder and moved up we did by the 4th quarter to the 5th position.
Thinking our day is over , I was waiting for the certificates and all but the AIMA people came in and told us we have to play 2 more quarters the next day and then the top 8 would be selected, 4 from each group and then they would have to play another day, fuck it.
The next day , I was the same old pessimistic retard, constantly telling my team mates not to play the game seriously or we would get fucked and that is what exactly was happening, seriousness does not work well with the Bonbon, every time they asked me what position would we come, my reply was 5th, 7th and 5th, I was right twice out of those 3 times. The most important event of the day was Sudip getting a call from KBC to be part of the hot seat and all, while he got the first 2 questions right, the third one stumped him and phussss went his KBC dream.
When the competition ended we were happy just to get the hell out of there and get our participation certificates and of course the food was fantastic, while the other people were getting the prizes for coming into the top 4 per group, we , well I was busy clapping my ass off showing my enthusiasm for no reason at all, content at being the retard of the competition I head back home, head held high, happy at unintentionally ruining my team's chances of doing well, constantly distracting them with my obnoxious laughter and being a total dick.
I tell you this much, even though your company may not do well, you need characters like me just to keep the train chugging along, actually the placement season is about to begin and I need to show any negative aspects as positives so that people do make the mistake of taking me in,jeet ke aaoge? Giggity!.
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