Now let me get back to my old ways,lets forget bout the last blog,i fortunately have been all around the world and have visited many cities and countries.France,England,Singapore,The U.A.E to name a few and have even travelled a ton across India but i have always loved 2 cities ,Dubai ...well because my childhood was spent there ,a total of seven amazing years they were too,i mean shopping malls were everywhere,good people,easy to drive there fast food centres were everywhere...there was a KFC,Burger King,a Pizza hut,A Carl's Jr,a Pizza inn outlet around 5 minutes from my house so i guess my problem of obesity should be blamed on those factors....
The 2nd city i am in love with is Calcutta for a majority of reasons...the first reason is the weather,i love the rainy season....more so coz i never expereinced it in Dubai so any chance i get to be in the rain i take it up....the next reason is me pals.....although i have benn to a ton of places me best pals all are from Calcutta,no ego and all that shit absolutely perfect pals i got,who think like me ,who have a good sense of humour,who can abuse a ton like me....well all this does not apply to nagu the freak of nature....coz he is slow and idiotic but still he is a close pal....and the next reason is.....well......ummm....fuck there aint no other reason.....the truth is i lote Calcutta [lote=love/hate]....and i will let you know why.....why and how have people/things destroyed my hometown
well the first and most obvious reason to hate calcutta is for the bengali population and how they are
from bad accents,to acting oversmart ....they really take the cake,bad body odour ,stupid jokes i really hate em to the core[but i hate almost everyone to the core]....but the irony is that all me best pals are bengali and fortunately none of em have the characteristics mentioned above
the next reason i hate calcutta is the traffic and the public as a whole
constant jams,drivers racing like they are in formula 1....i do believe that any auto driver is miles better than michael schummacher.....india has a wealth of drivers who can squeeze a speeding vehicle between two large trucks and still have a mobile in one hand and a beedi in the other while abusing the truck drivers.....and as i said the people and public are just pathetic in calcutta...nuff said
the next reason i hate calcutta is the number of biharis in the city
they not only bring down the people on india as a whole they fucking destroy the somewhat bengali "good" heritage here.....i mean they pollute the city so much and have already infiltrated my family .my clean decent bengali family now has almost 50% members who are bihari and by bihari i mean real bihari ,speaking in their crap assed language ,their stupid ceremonies during weddings....which includes a song about abusing the in laws....yes thats rite...i never get invited to sing the songs ...for some "unknown" reason....
the next reason i hate the city is coz of me relatives....man they are a real pain in the ass....now only a few relatives are a pain but they are huge pains....the pain is similar to listening to a himesh song on a loudspeaker and you are tied to a chair while watching aap ka suroor....thats how bad some of em are...
but as i said i still love the city a lot
me pals are some of the best i have
my school was just as amazing...there was not one day in STB where there wouldnt be a fight or some stupid comic thing going on....and of course how can i forget i have to thank Calcutta for making me the abusive,idiotic rascist son of a gun i am......
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Poem
Here is something a little different from me normal posts......
Once upon a time in a city where all you stay
there lives a comedian/idiot/weirdo who was happy in almost every way
the one thing he really craved for
was a chick that he would go out with and do something more
but luck he had none
he never knew any chicks....absolutely none
so early in 2006 he was introduced to a site
which is now a part of everyones life
twas called orkut of all things and places
filled with people of guys and girls of different castes creeds and races
so there he started searching for the special one
but all he found was scum
so he made a new policy
adding chicks from here and there randomly
and boy did that work for him
he had over a 100 friends ,90% were femmes
and then started the laborious task
of finding out what is actually behind each girl's mask
girls were weird to him and they still are thick
shopping,gossip,clothes,lipstick,
he doesnt know why they like those things
and he never had those things as his likings
so most chicks fell off his radar
he didnt see the twinkle in their eyes still searching in futility for that one star
of course the knight had a few requisites of his own
language skills,humour and the chick should not nag or moan
and out of the blue came this one girl
who loved rock music,football and had no nonsensical twirls
so chat they did everyday
topics covered were abuses,music and football which were in no way gay
and in due course of time ,strange things were felt
for some reason he would feel warm inside and things would melt
twas the feeling of love people said
but love was never something he imagined in his stupid head
"love is stupid ,love is gay"
but as the days went by he would fall deeper and deeper in the way
but never did he let her know how he felt
the fear of rejection ,that obstacle was not dealt
so he kept this secret in him,not wanting to let it out
although inside him all he wanted to do was shout
they met a few weeks later at a mall
and he found out that she wasnt real tall
but that didnt matter,they both turned out to almost the same
laughin away,watching a flick and calling each other abusive names
but none of em tried to change the friendship into something more
almost like we left it in the cold store
time went and so did the chance
the news came she was leaving for the country which is hated by france
he felt empty inside,hollow and was a part to blame
but he changed his target and tried to find some new game
find he did but the new one was not the same
she was a pain with her constant naggin it made him insane
while on the other end,the one he loved was gone
and the friendship was torn
3 months was all that his relationship lasted
and as he ended it he was blamed by the 2nd chick and was blasted
now he was left with none
and there he felt his life was again happy and fun
the american chick came a chatting again
where the old hatchet was buried ,the reasons were as usual lame
the feelings for her have reduced ..NOT
but it has gone down from love to like a lot
because he learned something from this 3 year ordeal
love is a crazy retarted thing to feel
confusing ,frustating ,painful yet amazing
so made a vow he did for love
"Never would he fall in love again....
so he just kept on shaggin with all the hot models name"
Once upon a time in a city where all you stay
there lives a comedian/idiot/weirdo who was happy in almost every way
the one thing he really craved for
was a chick that he would go out with and do something more
but luck he had none
he never knew any chicks....absolutely none
so early in 2006 he was introduced to a site
which is now a part of everyones life
twas called orkut of all things and places
filled with people of guys and girls of different castes creeds and races
so there he started searching for the special one
but all he found was scum
so he made a new policy
adding chicks from here and there randomly
and boy did that work for him
he had over a 100 friends ,90% were femmes
and then started the laborious task
of finding out what is actually behind each girl's mask
girls were weird to him and they still are thick
shopping,gossip,clothes,lipstick,
he doesnt know why they like those things
and he never had those things as his likings
so most chicks fell off his radar
he didnt see the twinkle in their eyes still searching in futility for that one star
of course the knight had a few requisites of his own
language skills,humour and the chick should not nag or moan
and out of the blue came this one girl
who loved rock music,football and had no nonsensical twirls
so chat they did everyday
topics covered were abuses,music and football which were in no way gay
and in due course of time ,strange things were felt
for some reason he would feel warm inside and things would melt
twas the feeling of love people said
but love was never something he imagined in his stupid head
"love is stupid ,love is gay"
but as the days went by he would fall deeper and deeper in the way
but never did he let her know how he felt
the fear of rejection ,that obstacle was not dealt
so he kept this secret in him,not wanting to let it out
although inside him all he wanted to do was shout
they met a few weeks later at a mall
and he found out that she wasnt real tall
but that didnt matter,they both turned out to almost the same
laughin away,watching a flick and calling each other abusive names
but none of em tried to change the friendship into something more
almost like we left it in the cold store
time went and so did the chance
the news came she was leaving for the country which is hated by france
he felt empty inside,hollow and was a part to blame
but he changed his target and tried to find some new game
find he did but the new one was not the same
she was a pain with her constant naggin it made him insane
while on the other end,the one he loved was gone
and the friendship was torn
3 months was all that his relationship lasted
and as he ended it he was blamed by the 2nd chick and was blasted
now he was left with none
and there he felt his life was again happy and fun
the american chick came a chatting again
where the old hatchet was buried ,the reasons were as usual lame
the feelings for her have reduced ..NOT
but it has gone down from love to like a lot
because he learned something from this 3 year ordeal
love is a crazy retarted thing to feel
confusing ,frustating ,painful yet amazing
so made a vow he did for love
"Never would he fall in love again....
so he just kept on shaggin with all the hot models name"
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Here i go again
Now i know i havent got much to complain about in life........
i have more than the essentials needed.....a good house...check
a tv with cable.....check
my music....check
my game stations....check.....
a good set of pals.....check
kickass parents.....check.....
but there still are things that really get my goat and probably make mutton kababs out of it....so here i go....as usual ranting about things and as usual nothing can be done bout em
1:People who act fake or try to be cool:i have been all across the world but i have neer come across people and the way they act in calcutta
i mean at the malls all the wannabes....the people who try to act cool and all....plus when guys try so hard to impress chicks and all doing things which they are not good at
2:chicks who like the people i just wrote about in 1:yes i hate it when chicks fall for those fakeys
3:people trying to speak english when they obviously cant:i dont need to explain this do i?
please i dont try to speak languages i dont know.....and people who dont know english shoudnt try it.....it shld be a crime to speak the language if a person doesnt know it
4:people getting surprised when they learn bout my comps condition:if you know me for more than 3 years ......you should know that my computer crashes a lot....and so does most of the electronics i own/use....aka THE CURSE
5:people getting offended by my jokes and abuses:please ....dont make faces etc when i start abusing and cursing or joking.....if you dont like it......get the fuck out of my abuse range..........i promise i wont go after you if you are like 500 miles away from me.....i promise
6:people who dont like my taste in music: i got 2 words for them...fuck off....
7:manu fans:i dont think i need to write much about them scumbags....douchebags...losers....jerks
8:and for the time being and the one thing i do hate a lot are/is biharis.....will tell all bout em in me next blog for sure.....!
i have more than the essentials needed.....a good house...check
a tv with cable.....check
my music....check
my game stations....check.....
a good set of pals.....check
kickass parents.....check.....
but there still are things that really get my goat and probably make mutton kababs out of it....so here i go....as usual ranting about things and as usual nothing can be done bout em
1:People who act fake or try to be cool:i have been all across the world but i have neer come across people and the way they act in calcutta
i mean at the malls all the wannabes....the people who try to act cool and all....plus when guys try so hard to impress chicks and all doing things which they are not good at
2:chicks who like the people i just wrote about in 1:yes i hate it when chicks fall for those fakeys
3:people trying to speak english when they obviously cant:i dont need to explain this do i?
please i dont try to speak languages i dont know.....and people who dont know english shoudnt try it.....it shld be a crime to speak the language if a person doesnt know it
4:people getting surprised when they learn bout my comps condition:if you know me for more than 3 years ......you should know that my computer crashes a lot....and so does most of the electronics i own/use....aka THE CURSE
5:people getting offended by my jokes and abuses:please ....dont make faces etc when i start abusing and cursing or joking.....if you dont like it......get the fuck out of my abuse range..........i promise i wont go after you if you are like 500 miles away from me.....i promise
6:people who dont like my taste in music: i got 2 words for them...fuck off....
7:manu fans:i dont think i need to write much about them scumbags....douchebags...losers....jerks
8:and for the time being and the one thing i do hate a lot are/is biharis.....will tell all bout em in me next blog for sure.....!
Monday, July 20, 2009
EVS.....oh dear lord EVS
We all can agree that there sure as hell is a lot of industrialization going on all around the world ......the rate of pollution has sky rocketed over the past decade or so....strict laws have been implemented for emissions and protection of the environment.....but all this is secondary.....we the "young" must know about the environment...how to protect it....sustain it.....make sure it aint polluted....and i guess this all must start with knowledge about the environment.....so in the summer of 2006 when we class 11 students came back for the new session we got a little surprise....we had a new subject to study for the ISC's[yes we all could hear the collective groans and moans.....]...ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES or better know an EVS.....which was made a compulsary subject for all students from 2006....
now that was ok....i mean it is important for all of us to learn about probably the greatest natural resource and all....and so to impart knowledge there must good teachers who will do the needful....but unfortunately what we got was a crying whore and a gutless creep.....so lets get it started
for all the class 11s and 12s we got a teacher called Mrs Chaudhury or something like that.....but that wasnt her name....her name was Sonali Basu Roy Chaudhury...why would a person have 3 surnames?......well we knew the answer to that....becoz everyday when she would come to class she would look like a whore....and i am not exaggerating ......really sloppy make up...always panting heavily....and the fact that she was probably one of the few "good" looking teachers made it an even greater problem for her to cope with us "boys"....
yes we boys didnt cut her any slack at all.....as most of us...[barring the good boys like me and me group]...would really wanna "get" her real bad....but then she would often do really stupid idiotic things which made absolutely no sense whatsoever.....
for example it was rakhi....and as usual time for something stupid for this lady to do....so she decides to tie a rakhi on every guys wrist.....yes again collective groans could be heard a mile away.....the commerce students were really upset....with a certain guy even telling maam "kya maam bhai bana diya?"...what else would she make of him?.....then there was the crying ...OH DEAR GOD....every alternate day she would cry and sob for more than half the period......
"THE SCHOOL TREATS ME BADLY"
"THE SCHOOL DOESNT WANT ME HERE"
"THE TEACHERS DONT LIKE ME"
"THEY DONT LIKE ME BECAUSE I TREAT ALL YOU LIKE MY BROTHERS"
dear lord she went on like this everyday...once in a while she would pop up with real crazy comments.....like once we were all shouting and screaming in the class as usual....and she was trying to control us....she gave up after a few minutes and she sat down and started sobbing....now we learnt that the best way to deal with her is to ignore her....so she cried some more and then shouted out
"I CANT HAVE CHILDREN"......
baaaaam utter silence .....everystopped ....no one was moving and we all just stared at her....and she explained as to why she cant have any children...[she couldnt bear em for some biological reason...]....but the point is you dont say that in front of anyone let alone in front of the STB students........
she even had time to accuse one of the accounts teachers of sexual harrassment....now he didnt do nothing...but apparently did send her some lewd sms' which offended her...and as usual she made a big deal out of it....and i was the one who broke the news of the teacher to the students of my class....well that is one good deed in my life....
sadly the teacher was forced into leaving the school.....
the other freak i was talking bout is a guy called Talukdar....JOY TALUKDAR...although i never did have a class with him .......he was the other evs teacher....and one incident made headlines....well at least in my school which again is a big deal.....
so it was an isc exam and joy was just passing by the big auditorium where the commerce students were seated.......and just to show he had balls....he caught atif[a goonda] on the school cheating or talking with some other kid in the exams hall.....and he said something to atif....
atif crouched on his seat and blurted softly
"fuck you"
well talukdar heard that and took matters into his own hands or mouth i should say
he turned around and shouted loudly in the hall
"FUCK YOU TOO"
wow....amazing....why dont days like these happen everyday?
now that was ok....i mean it is important for all of us to learn about probably the greatest natural resource and all....and so to impart knowledge there must good teachers who will do the needful....but unfortunately what we got was a crying whore and a gutless creep.....so lets get it started
for all the class 11s and 12s we got a teacher called Mrs Chaudhury or something like that.....but that wasnt her name....her name was Sonali Basu Roy Chaudhury...why would a person have 3 surnames?......well we knew the answer to that....becoz everyday when she would come to class she would look like a whore....and i am not exaggerating ......really sloppy make up...always panting heavily....and the fact that she was probably one of the few "good" looking teachers made it an even greater problem for her to cope with us "boys"....
yes we boys didnt cut her any slack at all.....as most of us...[barring the good boys like me and me group]...would really wanna "get" her real bad....but then she would often do really stupid idiotic things which made absolutely no sense whatsoever.....
for example it was rakhi....and as usual time for something stupid for this lady to do....so she decides to tie a rakhi on every guys wrist.....yes again collective groans could be heard a mile away.....the commerce students were really upset....with a certain guy even telling maam "kya maam bhai bana diya?"...what else would she make of him?.....then there was the crying ...OH DEAR GOD....every alternate day she would cry and sob for more than half the period......
"THE SCHOOL TREATS ME BADLY"
"THE SCHOOL DOESNT WANT ME HERE"
"THE TEACHERS DONT LIKE ME"
"THEY DONT LIKE ME BECAUSE I TREAT ALL YOU LIKE MY BROTHERS"
dear lord she went on like this everyday...once in a while she would pop up with real crazy comments.....like once we were all shouting and screaming in the class as usual....and she was trying to control us....she gave up after a few minutes and she sat down and started sobbing....now we learnt that the best way to deal with her is to ignore her....so she cried some more and then shouted out
"I CANT HAVE CHILDREN"......
baaaaam utter silence .....everystopped ....no one was moving and we all just stared at her....and she explained as to why she cant have any children...[she couldnt bear em for some biological reason...]....but the point is you dont say that in front of anyone let alone in front of the STB students........
she even had time to accuse one of the accounts teachers of sexual harrassment....now he didnt do nothing...but apparently did send her some lewd sms' which offended her...and as usual she made a big deal out of it....and i was the one who broke the news of the teacher to the students of my class....well that is one good deed in my life....
sadly the teacher was forced into leaving the school.....
the other freak i was talking bout is a guy called Talukdar....JOY TALUKDAR...although i never did have a class with him .......he was the other evs teacher....and one incident made headlines....well at least in my school which again is a big deal.....
so it was an isc exam and joy was just passing by the big auditorium where the commerce students were seated.......and just to show he had balls....he caught atif[a goonda] on the school cheating or talking with some other kid in the exams hall.....and he said something to atif....
atif crouched on his seat and blurted softly
"fuck you"
well talukdar heard that and took matters into his own hands or mouth i should say
he turned around and shouted loudly in the hall
"FUCK YOU TOO"
wow....amazing....why dont days like these happen everyday?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Mirzanoor
This blog is about probably one of the greatest students ever to have graced our fine school STB,i am of course talking bout Mirzanoor whose second name i cannot remember.....yes this guy was and probably is one of the shining members of our school but he was never known for his academic brilliance like you all must think....well you all must know by now that my school wasnt known for its academic performance.....well the girls school was always wayyyyyy better than the guys school.....as i was saying this guy MIRZANOOR was/is a small kid in STB who would always speak in bengali but when he spoke in english it was hilarious....last i heard about him was that he was driving a cab around calcutta and once was caught red handed shop lifting at Forum.....yes the same one i go to see flix.......
one of his best and meanest jokes was on a bloke called Alistar....by the name you would know he was a white guy as we indians called an "Anglo" i remember just a couple of Anglos in me school Cedric and Alistar......so as per all norms the minority group is always picked on by some other low life....i was picked on quite a bit during my early years but i had never seen a white guy getting picked on
well that was until i came to STB that is.....
so Alistar apparently had this amazingly hot smoking gorgeous sister....and so mirzanoor would often go to him and shout out to his face
"AAAIIII HAAAAD AAAAEEEE FOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKK
AAAAIII WEEEELLL FOOCCCCCKKKK SUZZZZAAAAAANNNE"
suzane was of course alistar's sister.....but the funny thing was alistar never retorted back.....i guess he was really scared coz he was a minority in the school or at least in the science batch on class 9-10
Of course Mirzanoor didnt pick on just the white guys in school.....oh no...he wouldnt leave anyone let alone one of the most lame ass teachers ever Dr Alok Sarkar ....who was a biology teacher,now he was a typically bong...the glasses...the cheap shirt....the bad accent.....the punctuality...the etiquette....and of course being ball less .......
so one day he was showing us an experiment as to how some plants produce oxygen underwater....you know the one in which a plant is kept underwater and it produces oxygen bubbles which rise up from the bottom of the water and rise to the top.....so the experiment was on and the teacher/sir/loser Alok was waiting fo the bubbles to rise....and when they started he asked us in his cheap bong accent....
"Boyz wheeech gaaaass eeessss theeees?"
mirzanoor was sitting rite up in front next to Alok and said
"Sir thees is Fooocking gas.......
Focking gas......."
now normally a teacher would slap the student ....but since this was Alok all he did was tattle and tell all to the Bio head Pachu....yes his name is pachu gopal dutta....i dont make this shit up ....i just tell it......and of course pachu took no action as well.......losers
but its not that our dear friend mirza never got what he deserved....he was taught a lesson once....by one the students in fact a guy called imrano.....yes the same guy who uploaded a ton o pics on orkut as to how "cool" he looked[he actually looked more gay than bobby darling]....but nevertheless...here goes the incident
as usual mirza was trying to pester someone and he found his target....it was to be imrano.....so he constantly is bugging him all the time....pestering him...calling him names....and the sort....you know the STB treatment as i would call it.....and off he goes.....
imrano on the other hand tries to keep cool and warns the guy a couple of times and tells him either to shut up or face the consequences.....but my dear mirza when will thou learn that you cant win em all....so he keeps on ripping on poor old imran.........imran finally snaps and heads to mirza to beat him up....
mirza to his credit doesnt run away but like some heavyweight boxer acts cocky and responds in his ever so irritating but funny voice
"Ebaare hobee fiiighhhhtiiiiiiinnnnng"
now the cockiness is good for ay boxer and i thought that mirza would whallop imran....and 5 mins later it was all done....
imran was back in his chair....mirza was in his.....but imran beat the living day lights out of mirza....got him in a headlock and gave him a ton of punches....
mirza ended up seeing a ton of stars and was holding his head in pain.....for once he did NOT have a comback.....
OWWW FOCKING STARS!
one of his best and meanest jokes was on a bloke called Alistar....by the name you would know he was a white guy as we indians called an "Anglo" i remember just a couple of Anglos in me school Cedric and Alistar......so as per all norms the minority group is always picked on by some other low life....i was picked on quite a bit during my early years but i had never seen a white guy getting picked on
well that was until i came to STB that is.....
so Alistar apparently had this amazingly hot smoking gorgeous sister....and so mirzanoor would often go to him and shout out to his face
"AAAIIII HAAAAD AAAAEEEE FOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKK
AAAAIII WEEEELLL FOOCCCCCKKKK SUZZZZAAAAAANNNE"
suzane was of course alistar's sister.....but the funny thing was alistar never retorted back.....i guess he was really scared coz he was a minority in the school or at least in the science batch on class 9-10
Of course Mirzanoor didnt pick on just the white guys in school.....oh no...he wouldnt leave anyone let alone one of the most lame ass teachers ever Dr Alok Sarkar ....who was a biology teacher,now he was a typically bong...the glasses...the cheap shirt....the bad accent.....the punctuality...the etiquette....and of course being ball less .......
so one day he was showing us an experiment as to how some plants produce oxygen underwater....you know the one in which a plant is kept underwater and it produces oxygen bubbles which rise up from the bottom of the water and rise to the top.....so the experiment was on and the teacher/sir/loser Alok was waiting fo the bubbles to rise....and when they started he asked us in his cheap bong accent....
"Boyz wheeech gaaaass eeessss theeees?"
mirzanoor was sitting rite up in front next to Alok and said
"Sir thees is Fooocking gas.......
Focking gas......."
now normally a teacher would slap the student ....but since this was Alok all he did was tattle and tell all to the Bio head Pachu....yes his name is pachu gopal dutta....i dont make this shit up ....i just tell it......and of course pachu took no action as well.......losers
but its not that our dear friend mirza never got what he deserved....he was taught a lesson once....by one the students in fact a guy called imrano.....yes the same guy who uploaded a ton o pics on orkut as to how "cool" he looked[he actually looked more gay than bobby darling]....but nevertheless...here goes the incident
as usual mirza was trying to pester someone and he found his target....it was to be imrano.....so he constantly is bugging him all the time....pestering him...calling him names....and the sort....you know the STB treatment as i would call it.....and off he goes.....
imrano on the other hand tries to keep cool and warns the guy a couple of times and tells him either to shut up or face the consequences.....but my dear mirza when will thou learn that you cant win em all....so he keeps on ripping on poor old imran.........imran finally snaps and heads to mirza to beat him up....
mirza to his credit doesnt run away but like some heavyweight boxer acts cocky and responds in his ever so irritating but funny voice
"Ebaare hobee fiiighhhhtiiiiiiinnnnng"
now the cockiness is good for ay boxer and i thought that mirza would whallop imran....and 5 mins later it was all done....
imran was back in his chair....mirza was in his.....but imran beat the living day lights out of mirza....got him in a headlock and gave him a ton of punches....
mirza ended up seeing a ton of stars and was holding his head in pain.....for once he did NOT have a comback.....
OWWW FOCKING STARS!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Dance Dance Dance!
Now we all know i am a "man" with numerous talents ....abusing...joking....finding good porno.....making wisecracks.......knowing a good deal bout a ton of sports.....even playing my synth quite well......but the one thing i have miserably failed at is dancing...[and studying...but thats another story for another day].....dancing is the one thing that i just cant seem to do....and its not coz i look stupid and idiotic when i do it....i look the same when i do or try anything....and i would dance even if i looked like a drunk on his birthday....i have absolutely no shame at all...as most of you would and should know by now.....but some sort of fear grips me over whenever music is played and people ask or invite me to dance....
usually i end up making some lame ass excuse like "my leg hurts...." or "i had too much to eat"....the latter is true most of the time.....but the real reason is i hate to dance....and this is something i attribute to my problems with dancing.....
we all know bout the time i had a dance with a chick in class 3.....well after the dance i contracted chicken pox from somewhere.....i thought that was just a problem with the other sex...[gays dont count.....lesbians are girls].....but the real problem came up when i had to attend a girls birthday party 10-11 years ago...
so lemme make up the scene....
my family would come to calcutta with me of course during me summer vacations...so i had a couple of months away from the heat and beauty of dubai....and would end up in the sweet monsoon and lame dirt of calcutta.....and as per indian tradition each day and or night we would be invited to some lame persons house for supper......nevertheless i HAD to accompany me parents most of the time....else me relatives and the like would bitch bout it all the time.....and since i have a ton o bihari relatives[i HATE BIHARIS].....it still prevails nowadays......so again...back to the topic....me aunt [the one married to me mom's brother...is bihari ...] has 7 brothers YES 7 brothers each one of em has around 2 children each and the eldest has 5......and well it was one of the 5s bdays sometime in august.....
actually it was of the eldest of the 5 who is a chick by the way...[the story has another bihari angle to it....it will be ellaborated later on]......so as usual i had to go to the stupid bday....and man was it bad....
i was around 9-10 years old....and guess what at the bday there were only chix....chix galore.....now i would usually like that but since most of the chix were bihari....it just made me feel real sick.....so i sit down silently beside me mom...[i am 2 different beasts ...depending on which public i am with]....and i am just waiting for the day to end......i ate the cake and the food and the sode pop....just end the day....
now there were a couple of guys present and they were a few years older than me....and again as indian bday parties go....boom...boom boom....musics on....dance on!....
yup every tom dick harry gujju bihari bangali....and any other ethnicity present there were dancing away to lame ass songs....which i cant remember...the next bit i do......the BIHARI aunts start jabbering away and all off a sudden ask
"Adeeeeem naaacheeee ga nahii????"
me mom knows i will do something stupid and rash and says
"nahi bonny nahi naachega"
but the biharis wont give up and they keep pestering me and me mom all the time.......
"Nachoo na beta thoda sa....please
Beta nachoo na aunty ke liye"
why the fuck would i dance for any aunty?
i would dance for britney but not any more.....coz of what happens.....they got me real rilled up when they said
"kuch dubai ka naaach dikhao"
i was like...u wanna see dubai dance...i will fucking show a dubai dance......
i get off my seat.....
the musics turned up
the dance "floor" is full o people including the 2 guys a punjabi and another musalman.....like me....
and since i didnt wanna offend any chicks....i start dancing around with the 2 guys......who get surprised as to why i was dancing...so picture this...
i am sweating like a cow....
got no rhythm...got no taste ....got no skills.....but i start dancing....shaking my ass....
flailing my arms like a rag doll...
shaking my head like buddhia [the kid marathon runner from orrissa]
not to forget my PELVIC THRUSTS
yup PELVIC PELVIC IS ON BITCH
am dancing away not giving a damn as to what is on...
i make a ton of offensive gestures to everyone around.....
the punjabi guy was dancing with his legs split a little...that was an invitation for me....i slid under his legs....shaking my chest all along.....he went under me legs...i slid accross the room.....and when i was done.....
everyone was stunned....no one was cheering or clapping....or moving to say the least....they were just staring.......staring like zombies.....me mom just came over grabbed me hand...and dragged me out of there......it was only later i learnt my folly....as i had made a complete jackass of myself to almost everyone i knew from one side of the family....[the bihari side]....me mom was like
"you are never dancing again"
i replied "yes mom dont worry i aint dancing again"....and thats why i never danced or will ever dance again......
of course there were other issues caused by my dancing as that me mom never took to a girls birthday until i became 18.....
and of course the other thing which i learnt that day was how to make a complete fool out of myself....which i must say is actually the best feeling in the world.....as i do that all the time ...everyday.....thanks to dancing!
usually i end up making some lame ass excuse like "my leg hurts...." or "i had too much to eat"....the latter is true most of the time.....but the real reason is i hate to dance....and this is something i attribute to my problems with dancing.....
we all know bout the time i had a dance with a chick in class 3.....well after the dance i contracted chicken pox from somewhere.....i thought that was just a problem with the other sex...[gays dont count.....lesbians are girls].....but the real problem came up when i had to attend a girls birthday party 10-11 years ago...
so lemme make up the scene....
my family would come to calcutta with me of course during me summer vacations...so i had a couple of months away from the heat and beauty of dubai....and would end up in the sweet monsoon and lame dirt of calcutta.....and as per indian tradition each day and or night we would be invited to some lame persons house for supper......nevertheless i HAD to accompany me parents most of the time....else me relatives and the like would bitch bout it all the time.....and since i have a ton o bihari relatives[i HATE BIHARIS].....it still prevails nowadays......so again...back to the topic....me aunt [the one married to me mom's brother...is bihari ...] has 7 brothers YES 7 brothers each one of em has around 2 children each and the eldest has 5......and well it was one of the 5s bdays sometime in august.....
actually it was of the eldest of the 5 who is a chick by the way...[the story has another bihari angle to it....it will be ellaborated later on]......so as usual i had to go to the stupid bday....and man was it bad....
i was around 9-10 years old....and guess what at the bday there were only chix....chix galore.....now i would usually like that but since most of the chix were bihari....it just made me feel real sick.....so i sit down silently beside me mom...[i am 2 different beasts ...depending on which public i am with]....and i am just waiting for the day to end......i ate the cake and the food and the sode pop....just end the day....
now there were a couple of guys present and they were a few years older than me....and again as indian bday parties go....boom...boom boom....musics on....dance on!....
yup every tom dick harry gujju bihari bangali....and any other ethnicity present there were dancing away to lame ass songs....which i cant remember...the next bit i do......the BIHARI aunts start jabbering away and all off a sudden ask
"Adeeeeem naaacheeee ga nahii????"
me mom knows i will do something stupid and rash and says
"nahi bonny nahi naachega"
but the biharis wont give up and they keep pestering me and me mom all the time.......
"Nachoo na beta thoda sa....please
Beta nachoo na aunty ke liye"
why the fuck would i dance for any aunty?
i would dance for britney but not any more.....coz of what happens.....they got me real rilled up when they said
"kuch dubai ka naaach dikhao"
i was like...u wanna see dubai dance...i will fucking show a dubai dance......
i get off my seat.....
the musics turned up
the dance "floor" is full o people including the 2 guys a punjabi and another musalman.....like me....
and since i didnt wanna offend any chicks....i start dancing around with the 2 guys......who get surprised as to why i was dancing...so picture this...
i am sweating like a cow....
got no rhythm...got no taste ....got no skills.....but i start dancing....shaking my ass....
flailing my arms like a rag doll...
shaking my head like buddhia [the kid marathon runner from orrissa]
not to forget my PELVIC THRUSTS
yup PELVIC PELVIC IS ON BITCH
am dancing away not giving a damn as to what is on...
i make a ton of offensive gestures to everyone around.....
the punjabi guy was dancing with his legs split a little...that was an invitation for me....i slid under his legs....shaking my chest all along.....he went under me legs...i slid accross the room.....and when i was done.....
everyone was stunned....no one was cheering or clapping....or moving to say the least....they were just staring.......staring like zombies.....me mom just came over grabbed me hand...and dragged me out of there......it was only later i learnt my folly....as i had made a complete jackass of myself to almost everyone i knew from one side of the family....[the bihari side]....me mom was like
"you are never dancing again"
i replied "yes mom dont worry i aint dancing again"....and thats why i never danced or will ever dance again......
of course there were other issues caused by my dancing as that me mom never took to a girls birthday until i became 18.....
and of course the other thing which i learnt that day was how to make a complete fool out of myself....which i must say is actually the best feeling in the world.....as i do that all the time ...everyday.....thanks to dancing!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Chronicles of Hairnia
While i was in Dubai i had this one place to get me a haircut,nice place,completely AC.....hell man the barber would give me a candy bar after me haircut ,nice comfy chair,good clean barbers.....you know a proper place for a haircut.....all for like 10 Dirhams or if you convert it now its like 70 bucks......but i didnt go to the palce coz it was nice and decent...i would go coz of its close proximity to my house........
so when i shifted to calcutta....i knew i was gonna be in for a rough ride........first of all none of the barbershops near me house had any such thing like an AC....so the first couple of times me dad took me to the barbers.....then one week i decided fuck that i will go on my own....i dont need no dad.......
now we must get one thing clear.....earlier i wouldnt wear me glasses while i went to the barbers.....for some reason i dont know....i just woudnt wear em......so off i went for a haircut........this happened in around 2003
now in me old locality there were a ton of afghanistanis and all....not in Dubai but in Calcutta....yes the infamous Jamal Para.......you will know bout it as soon as you go there....so as i was saying there were two places for getting a haircut there......now since i never wore me glasses to the place...i coudlnt differentiete one from the other.....so i went into one.....as usual they guys were just sitting bout eating their breakfast........
"baetho bhai baetho.........naashta karle ......"
so i sat.....after a few minutes the guy gets up and says.....
"achcha aapke baaal ka rang kya kare?
red....ya gold?"
i got the fuck out of there......so i went into the next place....this place would be my spot for haircutting for the next 3 years or so...before i shifted out of the hell hole.....
now this second place....was another crap heap.....broken chairs....cheap haircuts[the reason i went there in the first place].....and often they would not have any electricity....so no fans or nothing.......i would sweat like a turkey on thanksgiving.......and the thing that really pissed me off was their sense of hygeine ......they had a really bad sense....i mean all the barbers their had a cold no matter what time of the year you went....summer....yes...winter...yes.....monsoon....yes......which woudnt be a problem.....but then idiots would always cough on the hair cutting "utensils"....coughing on the metal objects is bad enough ....they wouldnt even wash em off....hell they would directly use the same on me hair....plus if i was real lucky....they would sneeze on me as well....but no apologies or anything.....they all have a work to do after all....fucking assholes
hell man and the abuses they would hurl at one another.....it was almost like a bunch of poets at a recital....now i wouldnt feel uncomfortable at all....coz i have practiced the art of abusing in 3 languages.....hindi,bengali and english.....but you know no one shld be abusing all the time[cept me and me pals of course....plus we do have some limits...] but these people would just go on and on and on and on....like they were gonna get a noble prize for literature.....the last thing i remember bout them assholes is that they once said
"aapka baal kutta ka doom ke tarah hai.....har waqt khara ho jaata hai"
son of a bitch just do your job....leave the wisecracks to me....asshole
so a few years later i shifted to a better locale.....a better housing complex....better class of people.....better locality does not ensure a better hair cut........i go to the "new" place....which is just slightly better than the old one....or so i thought.....as usual they dont have electricity whenever i go......or the sneeze on me while doing their job....the abusing is still there...plus they are biharis cutting my hair......they often botch up my hair......but now at least i wear me glasses to the place....coz am real scared of getting run over by some car.....
now i have this other problem....for some reason i just wont get my haircut done when people want me to.....like me dad oftens screams and shouts out loud for me to get me hair cut done....
"get it done by saturday.....or else you wont have a house to come back to"
i just dont feel like gettin it done on that said day....and i dont do this coz its me dad...even when me mom or granny or any other person i know tells me to get a haircut ...i just wont ......
but when i do set my mind for the task i will get it done no matter what happens.....
recently i decided to get my haircut on a thursday.....and i went to the place....they had no electricity.....so the guy asked me to come later....i said
"no way......aaaj hi baaaal kato nahin toh main 2 mahine baad aaoonga"
so thanks to my stubborness i was the only person gettin a haircut on that day....people would come and walk away seeing that they would die of the heat.....and they were wondering as to why a freak was cutting his hair now.....plus my barber was so pissed....he kept on sayin....
"aaap kal nahin aa sakte hai?....kal aa jate toh achcha hota"
i would be like
"just do your job.....aapna kaam karo na"
and so he continued on ..............sloggin away in the heat.....poor bloke....i did tip him though.....so that should cheer him up......
hell i didnt wanna go to the barbers so bad....that i was asking all me relatives if they would cut my hair......i also said...they would not be liable for any thing they do to me hair....but no one took me offer.....
so to all you people...the offer is still open....gimme any God Damn haircut possible......at me own home of course....you are free to do what you want....coz i really dont wanna go to the barbers any more.....
really i dont........
so when i shifted to calcutta....i knew i was gonna be in for a rough ride........first of all none of the barbershops near me house had any such thing like an AC....so the first couple of times me dad took me to the barbers.....then one week i decided fuck that i will go on my own....i dont need no dad.......
now we must get one thing clear.....earlier i wouldnt wear me glasses while i went to the barbers.....for some reason i dont know....i just woudnt wear em......so off i went for a haircut........this happened in around 2003
now in me old locality there were a ton of afghanistanis and all....not in Dubai but in Calcutta....yes the infamous Jamal Para.......you will know bout it as soon as you go there....so as i was saying there were two places for getting a haircut there......now since i never wore me glasses to the place...i coudlnt differentiete one from the other.....so i went into one.....as usual they guys were just sitting bout eating their breakfast........
"baetho bhai baetho.........naashta karle ......"
so i sat.....after a few minutes the guy gets up and says.....
"achcha aapke baaal ka rang kya kare?
red....ya gold?"
i got the fuck out of there......so i went into the next place....this place would be my spot for haircutting for the next 3 years or so...before i shifted out of the hell hole.....
now this second place....was another crap heap.....broken chairs....cheap haircuts[the reason i went there in the first place].....and often they would not have any electricity....so no fans or nothing.......i would sweat like a turkey on thanksgiving.......and the thing that really pissed me off was their sense of hygeine ......they had a really bad sense....i mean all the barbers their had a cold no matter what time of the year you went....summer....yes...winter...yes.....monsoon....yes......which woudnt be a problem.....but then idiots would always cough on the hair cutting "utensils"....coughing on the metal objects is bad enough ....they wouldnt even wash em off....hell they would directly use the same on me hair....plus if i was real lucky....they would sneeze on me as well....but no apologies or anything.....they all have a work to do after all....fucking assholes
hell man and the abuses they would hurl at one another.....it was almost like a bunch of poets at a recital....now i wouldnt feel uncomfortable at all....coz i have practiced the art of abusing in 3 languages.....hindi,bengali and english.....but you know no one shld be abusing all the time[cept me and me pals of course....plus we do have some limits...] but these people would just go on and on and on and on....like they were gonna get a noble prize for literature.....the last thing i remember bout them assholes is that they once said
"aapka baal kutta ka doom ke tarah hai.....har waqt khara ho jaata hai"
son of a bitch just do your job....leave the wisecracks to me....asshole
so a few years later i shifted to a better locale.....a better housing complex....better class of people.....better locality does not ensure a better hair cut........i go to the "new" place....which is just slightly better than the old one....or so i thought.....as usual they dont have electricity whenever i go......or the sneeze on me while doing their job....the abusing is still there...plus they are biharis cutting my hair......they often botch up my hair......but now at least i wear me glasses to the place....coz am real scared of getting run over by some car.....
now i have this other problem....for some reason i just wont get my haircut done when people want me to.....like me dad oftens screams and shouts out loud for me to get me hair cut done....
"get it done by saturday.....or else you wont have a house to come back to"
i just dont feel like gettin it done on that said day....and i dont do this coz its me dad...even when me mom or granny or any other person i know tells me to get a haircut ...i just wont ......
but when i do set my mind for the task i will get it done no matter what happens.....
recently i decided to get my haircut on a thursday.....and i went to the place....they had no electricity.....so the guy asked me to come later....i said
"no way......aaaj hi baaaal kato nahin toh main 2 mahine baad aaoonga"
so thanks to my stubborness i was the only person gettin a haircut on that day....people would come and walk away seeing that they would die of the heat.....and they were wondering as to why a freak was cutting his hair now.....plus my barber was so pissed....he kept on sayin....
"aaap kal nahin aa sakte hai?....kal aa jate toh achcha hota"
i would be like
"just do your job.....aapna kaam karo na"
and so he continued on ..............sloggin away in the heat.....poor bloke....i did tip him though.....so that should cheer him up......
hell i didnt wanna go to the barbers so bad....that i was asking all me relatives if they would cut my hair......i also said...they would not be liable for any thing they do to me hair....but no one took me offer.....
so to all you people...the offer is still open....gimme any God Damn haircut possible......at me own home of course....you are free to do what you want....coz i really dont wanna go to the barbers any more.....
really i dont........
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