Raju

I have often said that I don't make things up, things actually happen to me. Meeting a colorful bunch of people is a part of everyone's life, me making some dull person's day colorful by suing my colorful language is a completely different story.
Speaking of meeting new people, I know it has been a year since I joined this prestigious management institute and yes I have made some amazing friends but in equal measure I have met some freaks and this person here takes the cake, bakery, eatery and any other food serving outlet there possibly is.

I don't exactly remember the first time I met him but I do remember alot of what he said and has done over this year, The first thing I remember about him is comparing me to the "experience" filled Bhati, who may be a good person at heart but man does he boast and boast huge, so Raju comes over to me and tells me
"Adeem, you and Bhati , pch, pch best students here and will get placed"

Now that would have been alright had that been the end of it but he went on and on like a broken record and hence I truncated his name from Rajdeep to Raju akin to the hit parody by Devang Patel where a ton of transvestites sing "Aye Raju", its on youtube so do check it out, most people would have been upset and would have abused me or something but Raju just grins like that cat from Alice in Wonderland, shrugs his shoulders like this is life and then when the joke hits him, the smile fades away and he becomes sad, like the faces a puppy or a kitten makes, its so sad yet so hilarious.

This other time a group from our corporate cell came up and asked as to who is the class representative, I did not want to be a part of it but Raju was sitting next to me and was trying to push my hand up when I told him to fuck off, again sad face, sad puppy dog face.

Then there are the bits when he tries to show his intellect like this one day we hid his lunch box and after a wash up he came up, frantically searched for it like he had lost a gold coin and then comes up to us and asks us

"Arrey did you see my tiffin box?"
I asked him "Kaunsa color?"

Now see , when it comes to describing an object its best to use terms and colors that people will understand easily and help you in finding the thing, the buggers box was purple in color, but he replies

"Magenta", WTF , why would you say and use such a color at all? Using "pink" would have been better in every case but he just would not budge and after finding his box he spent around 20 mins trying to prove his point that it was magenta and not pink or purple.

Then there are the bits when he wont write anything when the proffs are giving out lectures but as soon as they stop and we try to listen to them, he pops up and asks what we have written and not, everyone knows no one can read my writing but still he will try his level best to read it and then read it all wrong and ask me what I have written. Plus whenever the teacher speaks he will speak parallel with em, no matter how dangerous the teacher is or hot upset the teacher is and invariably he gets caught, gets scolded at and then sad face.

Of course its not that I let him get away easily, he gets constant abuses and I have these endless rants filled with expletives for him, he still takes it like a man and then sad face for a few minutes and then he is back sticking to me like some unwanted gum wrapper, don't get me wrong, he is not the worst person in college, not even close, its just that he is too needy it seems. He sits in the seat in front of mine , sometimes, and thats when the real party starts, I pull his ID tag, pull his shirt, kick his ass with my foot and of course scream out his name at the most inopportune times

Like when our Law sir was teaching us about Cyber Laws and how pornography and child pornography is to be dealt with
"I do not want to talk about the sick people who deal in child pornography, I know you people know who they are"

I scream out "RAAAAAAJJJJJJJJUUUUUU", the whole class laughs, even our Sir does, Raju , sad face, sad puppy face, I just could not resist this shot at him. The point is if you are to hang out with me, you are to get joked on and abused , all the time, and I expect the same from you towards me.

Then there was today, I just had to take a pot shot at him, what does he bring for lunch? Fucking Soy Nuggets, I hate Soya nuggets and even more because people come up with that shite that it has the same texture to chicken and all, it can never be close to chicken so fuck off to all those veges loving soya bean chunks and all, back to the point when some of my mates come and ask what does raju have for lunch.

I tell em "Suorer bacha" as in the kid of a pig, everyone is staring at me like I have said something wrong, I clarify
"Arrey what? How can I say piglet in bengali?" then comes the laughter and again as usual Raju, sad face.

Of course all this constant leg pulling is for a cause, as I told Raju one day
"Dude, I a m preparing you for life, you think I am bullying and abusing you? [with a wry smile on my face]"

raju sad, doesn't know what to say, I continue "Dude, when you go to office they will fucking rape you, I kid you not, They will RAPE you, mark my words, this is a learning in life for you and you will thank me for it later"

Raju, sad, upset, walks away, Bonbon, Happy he got to abuse someone and made that person grow in character, one abuse at a time.