Bong man

Credit must be given where its due, with a Diwali release of his new movie, SRGay has whored the entire campaign and made it almost seem like he is running for election, now don't get me wrong , its not like I don't like the guy and his complete whoring about even saying that he would be at a marriage for all 3 days for a whopping 7 crores, I fucking hate him, he is in a long list of hate that I have, one day I will fix it.

Coming back, this entire bit of the greatest , most expensive movie ever made pisses me off, I hope the movie is a dud, I hope he never comes back to act in the lead role of the movie, I hope he never gets another hit, I hope he never gets to dance seductively with female stars who are half his age and like a 100 times whiter than he is or could ever be, I hope he has a 16 pack flab and it would go on and on and on, the movie however has provided me with something to write about.

SRGay, Hrithik and Amitabh Bachan to an extent have all acted as the Indian superheroes, not Shaktimaan esque but still Krish, Shanhenshah etc etc etc all are portrayed as THE Indian superhero but the sad fact is that they are not even close to being Indian or and Indian superhero. Got me thinking, I always wanted to be a superhero like Nightcrawler or Cyclops from the X men or have the money of Bruce Wayne or the massive complexes that Deadpool has [ do check out Deadpool] or no super powers but complete wit like Constantine [ not the Keanu Reeves version but the graphic novels], sure all these ideas are fun but what would a typical bong super hero be like? Well here he is , Bong Man

Obviously the alter ego, [real name and all] will start with S, seems ever bong I know is named with an S, when the professor starts the name call with S , it goes on and on and on, if not S then certainly the name will start with A

He will have a mustache, a badly kept one and will be going bald but for some reason he will have massive pride with the little hair he has on the head, thou shalt not comb but thou shalt not bald gracefully either.

His "spinach" would be ilish maach [fish] with beguni [fried brinjals] rice and dal, nothing would keep him down after downing a meal like that, of course he would go off for a good long doze after the meal for an hour or so, then he would have 200% energy and kick some ass.

The clothing would be the typical government working chap wearing a faded old shirt and trousers, flip flops and a briefcase, unlike Iron Man who has his suit in a case he carries, Bong Man would have old papers and receipts of all the purchases he has made in his adult life.
And the briefcase would still be wrapped in the plastic it was bought in, he would never remove the plastic, that would keep it a virgin forever , if someone dares to touch the plastic, he would use his greatest power, make a pout and become sad.

Every superhero is known for his impeccable timing and that is a similar trait followed by Bong man, unlike his counterparts he will always be late to any situation with the same excuse, "traffic cheelo" or just not bother to give a reason and start off with that IST, Indian slow time or some shit, always there at the party but just to clean up the mess when no one is there, our beloved Bong Man.

However he would, like almost every bong think he is some smart bloke with an Iq of a 150 and he would also have a view on every topic possible, from politics, red, to the fiscal policies of Uganda , he is a person immaculate with the worlds happenings, just that he has no idea of what is to be said about each thing except either to agree with it or disagree and use the same points over and over again just twisting the words here and there.

Our hero would also have a huge pot belly, perfect for those long bus rides, since he believes in public transport being the best, a crowded slow bus which would stop every 10 meters to pick up one passenger, the conductor would go "Go on inside there is a lot of space still left" when there are like 20 people hanging by the foot board of the bus, with the bus inclined to its right and whenever it would make a left turn the left side wheels would rise up almost a few inches.
Our Bong man would enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city, while he would stand right next to the female seats and give em a nice pelvic thrust with women screaming about "Gaye haath debe naa" [ Don't put hands on our bodies]

Another great ability would be of his to make sure that every great artist was bengali, from Tagore to Pierce Brosnan, from Kishore Kumar to Freddy Mercury, every one of them is bong and no one holds a candel to Tagore, no matter what field he or she is in.

But every great hero has its fallings, Bong man can never take part in a physical duel, he is too scared that his beautiful face will be shattered to a million pieces, a verbal duel? bring it on but proper fisticuffs? No fucking way.
Bong man is too lazy to do most things, and rather has a tendency to call for strikes at the smallest of reasons, he is part of a union where he is the head and he is the only member often complaining of low to no pay although he earns a salary greater than most middle class families live on, plus he gets subsidies.

Ah the Bong man, when shall we get the real bong hero we all want and deserve, maybe it is time for some one to rise up and take the challenge but then again, I bet he is too lazy to get up and make that costume I talked about.

Bong but not forgotten.