Hack me baby one more time!

This is one of those classic stories that you would love to bring up at a party or just to remember the good old days.

This happened way back when we were in class 11. For reasons to save myself from getting a hammering I won't be posting the name of the friend who had to deal with what happens next.

It was a fine morning and I guess it was a day off from school. This was the era when we had just found what a great thing Orkut is/was. While we all joined with the notion of keeping in contact with each other post us leaving school, it ended up as a sad and sick way just to try and add "friends".

Those crummy, spine tingling, shuddering days of guys just trying to add random girls in hope of getting some action still freak me out. Basically any girls' profile on the site was up for grabs.
As long as they were within our age group and was single, even not in certain cases, they would get a friend request and well you know the rest. Maagibaazi FTW!.

So most of us actually had like 300 friends for no reason and most of them were females in hope of getting a girl, so this friend of mine was/is no different and he too had a ton of female friends on his list.

He calls me up and his tone is a little shaky to start with,

"Adeem, you know what has happened?"
"Nah , kya hua, tell me...."
"Arrey dude, My orkut profile has been hacked"
I immediately start laughing my ass off, thinking that hacking a profile is only done to get credit card details and trying to completely wipe out your finances.

"Who the fuck wants to hack your profile?" I ask back, nevertheless me pal does come across to my place and logs into orkut.

While the page is loading he tells me 
"Dude, some one has hacked my profile and they have changed my profile picture, its disturbing and now all these friends are taking me off the friend list and .....shit look at the photo man .......looook."

I turn to the screen and I have this face of shock which is succeeded by a loud laugh, its a picture of a girl ( a teenager) is holding this ginormous cock. 

Pedo alert!

So his scraps are filled with "friends" (females) asking him to either delete the photo, change it and then warning him that he will be removed from their list. 
So while he is on the mend trying to find out who has hacked his profile,my dad walks in and asks me whats going on.

I am thinking to myself , "Please don't open your trap man, don't tell my dad about the picture"

My friend goes "Uncle, you have no idea, someone has hacked my profile and changed my picture to....."

Crap man, don't blurt it out.

Fortunately my friend had the presence of mind to avoid describing the picture and replaced it with "a dirty picture".
 While he could never recover his profile completely, the one lasting image (images) of this fiasco are those pesky profile viewers. Here are a couple of gems who "viewed" and added him on Orkut.
Cool Sexy Handsome Hunk
and amongst the plethora of sexually perverted people viewing his profile was the champion

"I AM HOMO, I LIKE TO EAT MOMO"

To this day, we have not been able to forget this one profile viewer and I believe the same profile tried to add my friend on Facebook as well.

Momo anyone?


  

Fast cars, beautiful women and Maagas

Salt Lake is one crazy place, especially Sector 5, the hub of IT companies, colleges and basically a population whose average age would be somewhere around the mid 20's. Its not a wow factor to say that there are many hot women here all either studying or working in said organizations, so where there are women there must be maagas. Lets take the case of the auto drivers in the area who should only allow like 3 people to sit in the auto make sure there are around 6, also making sure the women sit right beside him although there seems to be no space available to em they just make it happen.

So back to this incident, normally I return home in a shuttle/pool car/carpool etc, its basically boiled down to a choice of either stuffing yourself in a Maruti Omni, a shit van which runs on LPG and most are in shit conditions, 6 people sit in the back facing one another and one sits next to the driver. This car is the "legal" illegal pool car (don't ask this is a long story).

The other options range from a AC bus, which you rarely get to Innovas,Sumos and Indicas, which all charge less than the Omni but the Omni has a greater number of cars so its a bit of a tough choice to make, I found an Omni and decided to get in as I wanted to get home ASAP.

Now I was sitting next to one of the sliding doors and 3 other men were also seated, then this lady comes and wants to sit near the other sliding door as she fears about molestation and the like, I don't blame her, things like that do happen, but she fights with the other men and finally gets her wish.

Blabbering on the phone, this lady, decent enough for a bang tells the guy sitting next to him to "Close the door", the man does not think twice since he was gaping at the lady and slams the door, I am listening to music and then I hear shrieks and screams, the lady is screaming, "My fingers, my fingers", fucking chutia lady had rested her hand right on the ridge where the closes, and idiot man decided to shut the door on it as he was too busy gawking at chutia lady.

The driver stops the car immediately, the door is opened and I fear that the lady must have had some parts of her finger chopped off , my fear is justified when I see this other guy jump out of the car and starts searching for something.

I think to myself "Oh Fuck it, she lost some fingers, bloody hell"
The man comes back into the car , he went out to get his mobile and the mobile was safe even though it was run over by a bus, the lady's fingers were fine as well, just a little sore. Now this story would seem a little tragic, so the guy who slammed the door is apologizing profusely to her and asking her how is she and how are her fingers.

The other people give her advice from warm water to ice being applied on the fingers, the lady seems alright now, even taking part of the blame for putting her hand near the door. So for the rest of the journey, Maaga man, AKA Idiot Man AKA the guy who slammed the door, is hitting like hell on the lady, it was so obvious, I wanted to throw up in the car.

The lady is also continuously chatting with the guy and it seems they have hit it off, oh glory for us all, we are seeing a match being made. Right before we reach our destination the guy decides to kick it up and says

"I am sure, aapke ghar mein (at your home), someone is upset and saying 'Who hurt my daughter?' he is a kamina, like your mom " [yes he did use this line on her, to check if she had a bf or not"

Without missing a beat the lady replies
"Mummy toh nahi but Saas zaroor bolegi" (Maybe not mom but my mother in law would say this)
Snap!
The guy's smile just turned into a frown and I could not stop laughing, I laughed so hard at the poor sod, he didn't say anything more to the lady.

This just proves two things
1:Women are sad who try to take advantage of sods
2:Men are maagas who will hit on women, any woman.

BTW, these 2 things just prove a couple of my laws.

4th Law:No matter how beautiful or ugly a girl is,no matter what the

place or situation is,there will always be a maaga to hit on said girl.

1st Law:The total number of problems at any situation is directly proportional to the number of larkis present there.

Like Love Lost Lust Lunacy

This all started quite a few years back, most of my friends already know the kind of pervert I am, a massive one at that, with porn being stuffed into my head from class 7 it always was a deep dark road that I would follow and it was never going to be pretty for anyone in the way.

Falling for a russian chick in my old locality was just the start but I should have known that nothing good comes from girls/larkis etc, she had a brother , a BIG brother and typically he was named Boris and his side kick was Yuri, yes it seems so cliched but those bastards tormented my life a lot back in Dubai.Fortunately i didn't meet them enough in my 7 years there and coming back to Calcutta should have been a relief but it wasn't, thanks to STB.

In class 3 there finally was proper contact with the only other gender at that time,I didn't know much about gays/lesbians etc back then, we had a dance recital for the school. The fact was that i never met the girls in school because we had separate timings and all so meeting them would have been fun and I luckily did get paired with a fairly decent chick , spending those 2 weeks in school was fun and then on the 1st day of the recital after my performance I come back home and i find this little pimple sort of thing on my neck,its still there,thinking it was nothing I put a bandaid on it ,wakey wakey next morning and I am completely covered with dots,bingo boys and girls I got chicken pox,I should have learn't my lesson back then but of course,I didn't.

Coming back to calcutta ,I started going to another school which was an all boys school fortunately or unfortunately the girls section was the building a few 100 meters away, I may be a sick perv but I do give women their space when required,ain't got no lecherous eyes and giving looks to women is just so pathetic by the men here,this is what would happen in this school as well,well mostly from the commerce section,a few of em would leave school early stand opposite the stores from the girls gate and wait for them to come out.Pathetic ,but they enjoyed every moment of it,now those were pervs.

As discussed before and a part of Bonbon's laws,every guy does go through a maagibaazi period and I was no less,the time was around 2007 when I was crazy mad about a couple of chicks from my music school,now normally I am not the sort of guy who goes gaga over any kind of women but there was this oomph factor about these two girls who wound up as best friends ,I mean they were decent looking chicks,not like those crazy mascara wearing,lipstick blotting,short tight assed clothes wearing girls that guys go after,there was this je ne sais quois about them, which later turned out that they had a kick ass sense of humor and had a bloody good grip of the english language.

Recent times have made me blog about this topic,its just that my type of women have to be smart,they should have a bloody good sense of humor and have a good control over the english language,probably be decent to look at either,I have spent a lot of time developing the freak within me and I guess i should be paid off appropriately , fortunately I can say that my ex's do fit the bill but there is a word of warning there as well,I am not looking for a relationship its just that these kind of women are long gone,firstly I am not and never going to be relationship quality material ,I have more than my share of problems to deal with than worry about what color nail polish she should wear,whether she looks fat in a dress or where we should have dinner and all,that never was me and never will be me ,I can safely say that from my "experiences",but again the point is these kind of smart women aren't there anymore.

Nowadays what I find in large quantities are bimbos[again barring a select few] where they love flirting around with any guy possible and more importantly they enjoy certain things which seems cheap[lets call it that as i cant find a word for it] basically they like that hindi bollywood film thingy,guys falling for them just because they were tight clothes flirting about whenever possible,its like 80% of the population between 16-24 years have become maagas and maagis,which really does piss me off to the hilt,I mean there are days that I feel like killing a few of em Dexter style to send a message[not that I would or could because again that's not me]

People say "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all",who the hell came up with that? Probably some sad whiner who couldn't bear seeing his/her "love" go away,unless of course they "did it" that then would make more sense,because believe me people confuse Like with Love and Lust,I know the meaning of all three so that I wont ever confuse anything ever again regarding women and I suggest you do to

I love my parents and ps3,certain things you can't live without,need them everyday and probably would be completely shattered and broken without em,parents,ps3,football,Liverpool FC ,faith,KFC etc

Lust is something you want NOW,like when my ps3 was dead I needed another one bad, and the wait for it took me on the verge of sanity,lust gets confused with love more than me confusing the ambani brothers,Mukesh Anil Tina and Nita,I think.

Like is sort of love but to a lesser extent,you wouldn't die without it,for my case mints,I like em but I dont love em,similarly chicks I LIKE but I certainly can't Love.