The love story finally revealed : 2 scots and an English man

There are some love stories that should not be told. They cause great pain and strife to all involved. The time has come to reveal the true love story between 3 gentlemen, and I really mean "gentle". 
This story has drama, pain, sorrow, laughter, happiness, alcoholism and all that is expected from a love story. Enjoy.

Howard webb was signed to be the main player for United

Webb, celebrating one of the goals with his United teammates

Things were going brilliantly for the pair and United.

The love of another scot was tempting but.....

But nothing can replace true love

Webb doing his best Arsene Wenger impression "I did not see it"

New found money, new found love.

The Christian Marriage : The Bride and the Groom

There are certain things that really gee you up, football, chocolates, ice cream, games and well a close friend's marriage. Maybe that is the Indian in me talking but everyone loves a marriage except the bride and groom's families. Fortunately I was an extended member of the holy union that unfolded today.

It was Tanya and Mits' wedding never in my life have I seen a couple so much in love with each other, well then again I haven't seen a lot of couples in love only the arranged marriage variants and they don't really have much of a choice do they? Back to the big day, I was given the honor of being the groomsman, reading up I had a lot of responsibilities which I knew I was going to shirk on anyways.

The Wedding ceremony was to happen at a Church and that was something everyone was excited about, I knew a lot of people were coming from my old office and everyone was crazy to see how a  Christian wedding takes place. Reaching the church was not the tough bit though, it was wearing a suit in this heat. It was in the middle of may when the wedding took place and Jeeeez it was warm. I felt like I was an ice cream in a Sauna with Huma Qureshi sitting next to me in a bikini, I was sweating bucket loads. Of course it could have been worse, at least I was not getting married. To be fair, both Tanya and Mits were playing it cool and were not nervous at all, unlike a couple of days back when they really were freaking out.

Walking down the aisle was a piece of cake, no one tripped up or did anything that would be considered as remotely funny or sad or embarrassing , damn. The bride and groom both looked amazing, a perfect couple to say the least and I ain't saying that so that I don't get beaten up. The entire service lasted just a little over an hour and it was perfect, well apart from the heat it was perfect. Everyone present was there as well, though I was waiting for the part when the Father would ask if someone has any issues with this marriage and everyone would give glances to one another hoping no idiot says something at this time. Tanya did not even trip in her saree, though she was adamant that was bound to happen, guess the Gods/God was with her on this one. 

I did tell her I would pay her back for making me wear a suit in this heat, I am sure I would get married in the chilly month of December/January and she would have to come in shorts. 

The photos flowed and tears were shed, in typical Indian marriage style, which was not expected to be truthful but then again it isn't an Indian marriage without the tears. The reception was next, Saree change for Tanya madam was on queue and well she had a hair extension as well which freaked me out a bit as I was left wondering whether it was real or fake, it was as real as my chances of winning 100 billion dollars.

This was at least in an air conditioned hall, I came prepared though, no suit just a kick ass shirt and jeans. I had come prepared to dance and freak some people out but that did not happen since the music was played at a low volume, I tried breaking into a jig but nevertheless, the day and night belonged to Tanya and Mits.

The food was excellent and they did take care for me at least as all the food was boneless and there was chicken, that is enough for me. Drank cola like crazy and even better was me mixing thums up and sprite, it ended up looking like beer, I don't take alcohol but this does get me a few stares down the road.

So, post dinner when we were leaving for home, I said my goodbyes to the couple who are to start a new journey together, forever, through sickness and pain, sorrow and joy, madness and calmness, always there for one another, they surely will be. 
And as I said goodbye to Tanya I whisper to her

"Aaj tum zaroor *pop* karna, jeet ke aaoge!"

Jeet ke aaoge!

 

Smile, You freaks, SMILE

People may think that I am the gadget freak in my group, especially since I have a lot of gaming systems and stuff but the truth is Manko man is the guy who owns the gadgets or at least the one who gets the newest gadgets first. He was the first amongst us to get one of those uber sexy cool phones, the Nokia X6 and he showed it off to me on the first or second day. The idiot that I am or the idiot that he is, he let me hold the device and I flicked the lock switch so damn hard that I made it way too loose for him to use it, I broke it apparently and he learned a valuable lesson of never giving me any new shiny device unless it was at least 3-4 months old. 

Manko also was the guy who got the iPod, a Samsung Tablet, a Blackberry, oh I could go on and on and on. Recently he told me he wanted to buy a camera to capture the world and have it in his hands, from previous blogs you would know how much I hate getting photos taken and all.

So here I am thinking my friend is going to burn around 20 K in buying a top line digital camera, I mean that is the one thing that would strike your mind, "hey I want to take pictures of random things because I am not a professional photographer, so lets just buy a decent digital camera to get on with it".

Of course we are not talking about a normal set of people here, my group is filled with idiotic freaks including yours truly. So Manko tells me he wants to buy one of them DSLR cameras. You know the one which has that huge lens and looks like it was made by someone with no idea of what proportions are. Them hideous looking cameras where everyone who owns one thinks they are going to take some really award winning, ware correspondent, earth shattering, gravity defying, life changing, peace bringing, money making, change inducing, thought provoking, tear jerking photograph. It never happens that way but let them believe so.

Manko does buy the said camera, again I do not really have much of a problem with that, ok maybe a tiny problem but nothing too serious. So I ask him,"Dude, how much was it?"
I thought I heard him say 16, it turns out the damn camera cost him a whopping 60000 Rs. Fucking hell, a PS4 does not cost as much, What the fuck was he thinking when he purchased it?

I mean, all he is going to do is take random photographs of women on the street or the clouds in the sky, the rain, the streets of calcutta, stray dogs fighting over bits of food, some black and white photos to show Calcutta in its glory, Women (again, you fucking maaga), the sunrise and sunset , since you cannot be a photographer unless you have these in your montage and of course the classic of taking close ups of beggars on the street to show their plight. 

Don't get me wrong, take as many photos as you like, for all I care you might catch some incriminating photographs from your locality and you can blackmail that Uncle form the neighborhood who was up all night talking to random concubine in the middle of the street. You would hit gold but for the love of sanity and humanity (yes, I said sanity) why would you spend 60000 Rs on a camera to take some random photos and have your name as the watermark pasted below it.

For Manko and all the retards who spend this much on stupid, stupid photos.

DSLR Camera: Rs 60000
Special classes to use camera: Rs 250 per class
Being a dickhead for wasting so much money on taking photos of women, streets, the sunrise and sunset & random clouds with a copyright watermark at the bottom of your photos: Priceless

There are some things money can't buy but then again there are idiots like you as well.

 

TGIF! Partaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy Time!

Whoever invented work should be beaten to a pulp. I hate work, I hate the fact that I have to wake up every morning, dress up fast, reach office on time ( at least try to) and do something that I do not want to do. I guess most people feel the same unless they are doing something that they want or are just mooching off the money their family has made, nevertheless, Mondays suck ass, Tuesdays aren't any better. I guess the only reason people go to office is for the money and social pressure.

Anyways, Fridays are amazing. You know the weekend is here, you can feel this excitement tingling in your body which isn't due to you watching some hot girl twerking almost semi nude on a youtube video. Its Friday, friday and unlike the Rebecca Black song it feels fucking amazing. You walk out of office like a boss, you own the weekend , you do what you want for the two days. Unless of course you have a stupid presentation to prepare and make for that dreaded day of the week, Monday. We all have 1/7th of our life, every fucking Monday.

To make our weekends even sweeter, we folks at the 11th floor decided to have a small party. Ok, its not a small party, its the small group of people who camp right outside one of the top executives cabin who have decided to make Friday's all more memorable and enjoyable.

We ensure that every Friday one of the murgas gets slaughtered, meaning every Friday one of the group has to treat the rest of the group, the menu can be anything and it must include vegetarian and non vegetarian items, veg because 3 members of our cult are vegetarians and non veg because I fucking said so and I will not fill my tummy with vegetarian snacks, no freaking way.

Manish and I drafted a mail so that everyone is in the loop, we don't want people chickening out from their responsibilities after all that is all I get to hear in the office. "Why don't you take some responsibility? Who is responsible for this? Why do people run away from owning up and taking responsibility"

You want responsibility and ownership? You got it!

The mail is drafted and sent across to the survivors who want to bring back happiness and joy to the 11th floor. Mr Poddar, Head of Finance 11th floor, Mr K, the kind of deo ordering and overall nice guy who is the butt of all our jokes. Ms. Enakshi Podder, Assistant Head of Consumer insights, Ms. Tanya Abraham, Brand manager of VLC (11th floor only), Tuhin/Tauheen da Super head Consumer insights and then there is Naveen who seems to be developing more dark circles than those seen during Pacific Rim when the Kaijus were ravaging earth. Manish is the final piece of the puzzle, he is basically the head of Operations making sure everyone is in line and that the finance team has released the budget for bringing in the food. Of course no party is complete without a bit of craziness and thats where I come in, form ordering the food for everyone to making sure everyone is here to start the party! 

Our wining and dining starts post 6:30 PM when work is a little less and the weekend feeling is coming. The food comes and everyone hogs, with me throwing in a couple of stupid veg jokes just to piss Mr K off. Then I do my little act of freaking people out by acting a little OTT, that is what gets the ball rolling. 

This party helps us to relax a lot, preparing for the weekend, our menu includes momos, noodles, chicken, sandwiches, KFC. Yes even KFC is part of the menu, those are the best days but we don't complain as long we get to fill our tummies. We have to do this because the snacks we get in office are absolutely whack. By whack I mean yuck.

Unfortunately this party does have its limitations, often one member of the group is missing and that is when the party does not work out so well, we need everyone and I guess its this tight knit bunch that actually makes office more bearable than what it is. Kudos to our group for all the madness we do, without this we, well I would have been absolutely jacked in office.

Pester Power, Thums Up and a Jeet!

People always believe that once you start working full time, a person starts understanding the value of a job, grows as a person, understands responsibilities and takes ownership of their actions. I would love those people to meet me because I fail at all the check boxes above. The only reason I do go to work is if I don't my dad will literally kick me to office. In office I am the normal troll that I am outside office, constantly talking bullshit (Bhaat as we call it), eating heads, making stupid comments and just acting like a freak, pretty normal for me.

While I have shared stories regarding prank calling people within office, stealing juice from lunch boxes and making lives a living hell, recently I seem to have honed my skills and every day post 6:30 PM I start my bhaat session. 

The people who feel the brunt of all this are the colleagues nearby, from the new guy who is to get married soon (constantly tell him, "Your life is over....."), to the finance manager who once got off his chair to try and kick me when I tried to talk about how trains are stopped in Guwahati as elephants get on the track to mate since its mating season, to Enakshi, Neha and Tanya who have to bear the most since I really go crazy at them, especially Tanya who seems to be just as crazy as me and also has her own set of "bhaat" lines to share.

Enough of that, I wasn't pleased just trolling about the colleagues, now its time for the office boys. Yes, those tireless workers who constantly listen and do as they are told. "Bring me coffee", "Bring these print outs", "Go to Mr. X and get his signature on this", its a thankless job in reality and just to rub it in, I wanted them to be part of the trolling and pestering also. Which means they were gonna be the butt of the jokes.

So we have this Tanmay, Tanmay da as we affectionately call him, he works tirelessly bringing tea and coffee to all that need and demand it. I however, don't drink caffeine , I avoid tea and coffee since always, not that I hate the drink, its just that I don't want some hot liquid in me to kickstart my system. So he comes and provides refreshing drinks to all while I get nothing that I want, so I start telling him everyday

"Tanmay da, aamar Thums up kothai?" (Tanmay da, where is my thums up?"

Initially he was taken aback since no one ever makes such nonsensical remarks. This continued for a couple of weeks and I started really pestering him.
"Where is my thums up? I want it today" of course spoken in broken bengali.

Then when I saw that even that was not going to work , I started to bring in the emotional blackmail.

"You will only bring the thums up when I put down my papers"

This also continued for a few days and everyone would have a good laugh because its all a joke and whatever I do say is in good faith, I dont say stuff to hurt people just to bring smiles and of course piss them off.

Last thursday while we were setting up for lunch this happens

Don't worry, I just left a little cola in it before I took the snap. ITS STILL COLA!

Tanmay da brought 2 cups of Cola for us, Tanya, Neha and I were having lunch and we were so surprised it was un freaking believable, Tanmay then says "Sob Theek?" (Everything ok? ) with a smile and thats when it all fell into place. My pestering worked and I got my free cola

Of course a lotta comments have come about this, some one said that the poor soul actually had to take out money from his pocket or how much I actually got on his nerves that he had to bring me a cola to shut me up, which didn't work cos I told him "Kalke o aanben" (bring some tomorrow as well)

Of course this doesn't bode well for me as pointed out, I was to get the cola the day I resigned, ummm ok.......???? 

Candy Crush Saga : The Silk Chronicle

Everyone gets a gaming orgasm, even the people who aren't the game loving types. There is this infectious game called "Candy Crush Saga" which is the current talk of the town with its simple match making puzzle logic, bright visuals and crazy combos. The game has been tried by most people I know, some of them have played it, gotten lost in it and forgotten what reality is, others, like myself have tried to play it, failed at it and have tried to resume with life without sounding sheepish "I couldn't finish level 34".

One of my colleagues is the Candy Crush Queen, currently on something like level 300. We crack jokes in office that her KRA consists of completing all the 600+ levels of the game before this year ends. She is one crazy girl and is constantly asking people for "lives" to continue playing the game so that she can progress further. Of course her taunts continue to jab us as to how we are stuck in xyz level or how people gave up so easily without even trying, let her try playing Fifa on Legendary and beating a team 5-0 constantly but I digress.

Recently she got an idea from yours truly about how she can use her candy crushing saga to better use. You see an aunt of mine had jumped on the Farmville bandwagon. That farming game which had everyone sowing crops and trying to grow plants online rather than in reality. My aunt made around 40 K from this plant that she started sharing with people so that they could grow their crops faster or some shit like that, so now my colleague decides to do the same, help the poor little souls stuck in some level and help them clear it.

So one day in office another colleague pops in and hands her a large Cadbury Silk chocolate for helping her clear the level, which is very good and all. However little miss candy decides to taunt Manish and me constantly telling people that she is going to have "silk" and how she wont share etc etc etc. Not to be outdone , Manish challenges her that he will take the Silk from her and she wont have a damn clue about it. Challenge accepted by the Queen of the Candy.

So she stores it, of course before flaunting it to us, in her drawer and she nicely locks it and keeps on saying that we can't do anything about it. Manish and I just keep staring at each other and the drawer, we know there will be this one window of opportunity for us to strike and when that chance comes by the power of Grey Skull we will strike.

After a little while she goes off to do some work and we strike, you see our office drawers aren't the safest place to keep anything. They can easily be opened by some other key, so while the other colleagues in our floor stare at us, I coolly pick up my key and try to jig her drawer open but it doesn't work. "Does another key actually work? Is it really going to work" are overheard, I next take Manish's key and hey ho!

I open the freaking drawer, take out the huge chocolate bar, lock her drawer and as soon as I had over the chocolate to Manish the Candy Queen sees it and starts screaming at us. Everyone on our floor freaks out and now she starts chasing Manish, who tries to hide it in his locker (which is safer). She almost pushes him into the drawer set which could have let to a massive injury, he somehow survives falling and runs away, ultimately he takes the chocolate and runs to the men's washroom and tries to hide it in a duct. I tell him to give it back before she goes all berserk and brings the entire floor down. We try to sneak out of the washroom and SHE is standing there waiting for us to give it back which we do.

The next few minutes are filled with laughter and a gentle reminder never to challenge us, she keeps on repeating "You won't get any chocolate from this" we calmly say "We don't need the chocolate, we needed to make a point and we have done that".

At the end of the day she did share the chocolate with us, this being the second time this candy queen decided to mock us and our abilities, I hope she has learned not to challenge or doubt our abilities.

Once bitten, twice shy?

5 Point Maaza

There was a small girl stuck in a dark desolate place which was eating her soul and bringing in misery that she never expected to come and be a part of the life she was leading. A change in guard had completely destroyed her happiness and had taken away all the joy that was within her.
Her only ray of hope was the small lunch box provided at the dungeon which kept her chained. Till now she had been accepting the crummy fruits from one evil lord which was owning all the orchards, the hero came in the form of the "Orgapure", a hero so pure that not even the slightest hint of  non vegetarian food was to be provided and the icing on the cake of the entire ordering circle was the presence of the sweet heavenly nectar called Maaza, you know the Aamsutra which Katrina so sexually advertises, ok so thats for Slice but you get the picture.

So we both order our fruit boxes from Orgapure, yes I can't continue the Game of throne -esque structure anymore. I took the option of taking up Orgapure not because I want to eat veg food in office but rather the fact that they have the best fruits around, I carry my food from my home nowadays, this lady however wanted to take the box just for the fact that the Maaza was being presented to her. A point she made, repeatedly to me and Manish,
"Next week I will be having maaza"
"Manish, Maaza time"
"Karim & Manish, maaza aayega next week se"

She kept on harping about it like the day would not end until we made her gulp down a gallon of maaza. It was left to the two of us to make sure things didn't go over the top.

Day 1
As usual our lunch boxes came and the orgapure boxes come the earliest, eagerly I open the box in hope for the maaza , lo and behold, fate is a cruel, cruel thing. No maaza at all , instead they had this mango delicacy which I can't remember. It was like a preserve of the mango, a cross between a jam and a pickle, anyways a fellow football fan was gobbling it up ,Suva, not giving a damn as to what was going about. 
She on the other hand was going crazy as to why she did not get the maaza, cursing our souls since she believed we had something to do with it and that we had taken the maaza away, cross our hearts and souls ,manish and I had nothing to do with it.
Not that she was going to listen to it and she still blamed us throughout lunch that we had jinxed the arrival of the Maaza, we on the other hand told her that she had jinxed it thanks to the continuous love affair for the maaza. 

Day one, Maaza 1 Girl 0

Day 2
 The food boxes come in and she is away doing some work. I have a peek into my box and I find that there is a maaza drink pouch in it, quick as a flash, I give my pack to the MR girl in the office Enakshi, to hide it and then I take the other Maaza and Manish hides it away from plain slight. Coolly I fix her disturbed box to make sure she doesn't get a clue as to what has transpired.

She comes back and opens the box and instantly she sees something is a miss, she then does the exact thing that I expected her to. She tries to open my fruit box and also finds the maaza missing.

She then screams out our names like we had done the biggest crime in the world. Blaming us for taking the maaza, "I know you guys have taken it, give it back!". While we are giggling away and claiming that we did not take it. This blame game goes on for 10 minutes , while we finish one maaza while she is piercing us with a stare that someone would give to someone who has just shot their beloved.
We finally do relent and give her the maaza.
She then says "Now I will sit here between 12:30 PM and 1: 30 PM to make sure you guys dont take my maaza"

Challenge accepted

Us 1 Girl -1

Day 3

Again our food box comes at around 12:45, she is acting like a cop on a crime scene, constantly searching for suspects. I open my box and we start bursting out in laughter.

No maaza today also, they gave that preservative and while she starts thinking that we are somehow responsible for the situation, its anything but and all the folks on our floor have a hearty laugh.

The constant torrent of jokes on the both of us by the girl in the last week seems to have created a sort of jinx on her, she just was not getting the maaza she needs and well the one she doesn't deserve.

Us 2 Girl -1

Day 4

The vigil is set, she sits patiently for the drink of her choice to come, while she has kept the box in front of her she was busy on the phone with her better half. We sneak a peek at what drink has come in the box.

Great scots! Its freaking Appy Fizz, that crazy bubbly apple drink. Mo fucking hell, we now had to do something. She had already taken out the Fizz and kept it beside her, while she was busy talking to Mr Special, I calmly walk up to her desk, act like I am searching for some file and slyly take away the Fizz. Hidden from her eyes, we go back to our normal work.

When she is done with the call, she screams out in anger, WHO TOOK MY APPY FIZZ?
I  KNOW ITS MANISH OR KARIM! I KNOW!!!!!!!!

You know that Batman dialogue, SWEAR TO ME! when he is interrogating a suspect while he is hanging upside down, I think it was detective Flass, this was almost the same line she was using to get the details out of us. Everyone is office is having a good laugh, we are trying to keep out cool and deny that we have any wrong doing, we even state that she was keeping watch over the stuff and how could she have let it get out of her sight.

She took Manish' cell phone as a part of an exchange but that didn't deter us, we still maintained we haven't done anything, again after a lot of relenting we decided to give her back the drink. Taught her a lesson about bloating we did, so much for the "vigil" that she tried to keep.

Us 3 Girl -1

Day 5

We had planned to take the pranking to a whole new level. We were thinking of asking the delivery boys to give us the boxes first so that we can empty her carton of the drink and keep the empty carton inside, that would have really started a fire.

Fortunately that event never transpired. Again the Orgapure guys decided to give that mango preserve, so the final score for the week turned out.

Us 4 Girl -1

She did learn a few lessons though, not to bloat big, not to act like she can pwn us with regard to pranking and not to scream and shout about the drink in her lunch box.

This week was done, Next week its going to start all over again.

Yaari Dosti Taaza Maaza