My friends at UA (Underground Authority) have become proper celebrities in and around this state at least. People jump on them for pictures and autographs, try to have a chat with em and just have a blast at their shows.
So when Babla (bass player) came over to my place with Nagu, they told me that UA would be performing at my school, STB at their fest, Melange. There is always a sense of nostalgia whenever you hear about your school, especially the one which has created and given so many stories for you to lather on people, so it was not a tough decision to make, the batch of 2007 was going back to school in 2011.
In typical UA fashion, since they are big superstars, they wanted the best slot to play and were scheduled to play from 4 PM, while I was in college getting some work done, I was sure I was going to miss them perform at school, fortunately or typically they were late and the show was to start at a quarter to 7.
Running back home from college and then running to school, I met up with Nagu and we entered, before entering, I was asked "Pass? where is your pass?"
To which Nagu replied "Don't worry, he is a part of UA"
Rock and roll motherhumpers!
I met up with Babla on stage, he was preparing for the shit which would make the STB guys believers. All this was fine, after all I did go to see my friends play, however we must not forget its STB and where there is STB there is bound to be madness and babali.
So the first thing I see, apart from our glorious buildings and that massive field of ours, was gold hair, yes , Gold fucking colored hair , guys had bleached their hair, put on sun glasses when it was 7 in the evening and it was pitch black. Somethings just wont change, as soon as we enter we hear the patented abuses about mothers fathers and all. The new thing which I saw was the presence of a lot of cars and those cars weren't of the people performing but rather of the boys out here to impress the chicks with their money, guys wearing white suits also littered the place. Financial meltdown? fuck no.
Lets not forget to mention the sound people, now I was one of the few privileged people to stand on a platform with the sound console and all, so there were pros manning the sound , making the acoustics and reverb and all that shit work well, we had this guy with his laptop recording the entire show and then we had the guy on lights. Now this guy was a pro I believe but he was from school, so it was quite freaky to see him play around on the lights console thinking he is Dj Tiesto or that chinese bloke form Linkin Park who would play with the samplers. I take a closer look and that fag is moving about like he is on fire and is playing the gig of his life, he had this assistant also acting like this guy was actually doing some shit but all he was doing was headbanging and moving his fingers on switches which he was not moving or touching. Impress the maagis? He tries.
Then the show starts and the crowd are rapturous, the guys are belting out their hindi numbers since we must remember STB don't do english, hindi is what they know and are receptive to. So receptive that a guy jumps on stage and dances his arse off only for one of the UA staff to push him off stage, while the song is on, then starts the madness
"Bhai ko dhakka kyu maara?" and this group of students are now ganging up on the bloke who tried to make sure nothing bad happened, song had to be stopped the people had to be separated by the members of the band, see, you can't change STB, no matter how many changes you make to the principal or how you govern it. Made me feel so warm inside, nothing has changed.
The last few minutes were us walking around the many corridors and classrooms we frequented so many times, it was seriously a brilliant moment, no teachers, just 5 guys walking around the classrooms , buildings and running about like mad people on the field.
For 2 hours at least I was not a person who is supposed to start working for a firm in a few months, rather it felt like I had started my schooling life all over again only that it began in STB and I was with my best friends, not being gay , just wish those days lasted a bit more, college life has nothing on school life.
STB all the way.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Fast cars, beautiful women and Maagas
Salt Lake is one crazy place, especially Sector 5, the hub of IT companies, colleges and basically a population whose average age would be somewhere around the mid 20's. Its not a wow factor to say that there are many hot women here all either studying or working in said organizations, so where there are women there must be maagas. Lets take the case of the auto drivers in the area who should only allow like 3 people to sit in the auto make sure there are around 6, also making sure the women sit right beside him although there seems to be no space available to em they just make it happen.
So back to this incident, normally I return home in a shuttle/pool car/carpool etc, its basically boiled down to a choice of either stuffing yourself in a Maruti Omni, a shit van which runs on LPG and most are in shit conditions, 6 people sit in the back facing one another and one sits next to the driver. This car is the "legal" illegal pool car (don't ask this is a long story).
The other options range from a AC bus, which you rarely get to Innovas,Sumos and Indicas, which all charge less than the Omni but the Omni has a greater number of cars so its a bit of a tough choice to make, I found an Omni and decided to get in as I wanted to get home ASAP.
Now I was sitting next to one of the sliding doors and 3 other men were also seated, then this lady comes and wants to sit near the other sliding door as she fears about molestation and the like, I don't blame her, things like that do happen, but she fights with the other men and finally gets her wish.
Blabbering on the phone, this lady, decent enough for a bang tells the guy sitting next to him to "Close the door", the man does not think twice since he was gaping at the lady and slams the door, I am listening to music and then I hear shrieks and screams, the lady is screaming, "My fingers, my fingers", fucking chutia lady had rested her hand right on the ridge where the closes, and idiot man decided to shut the door on it as he was too busy gawking at chutia lady.
The driver stops the car immediately, the door is opened and I fear that the lady must have had some parts of her finger chopped off , my fear is justified when I see this other guy jump out of the car and starts searching for something.
I think to myself "Oh Fuck it, she lost some fingers, bloody hell"
The man comes back into the car , he went out to get his mobile and the mobile was safe even though it was run over by a bus, the lady's fingers were fine as well, just a little sore. Now this story would seem a little tragic, so the guy who slammed the door is apologizing profusely to her and asking her how is she and how are her fingers.
The other people give her advice from warm water to ice being applied on the fingers, the lady seems alright now, even taking part of the blame for putting her hand near the door. So for the rest of the journey, Maaga man, AKA Idiot Man AKA the guy who slammed the door, is hitting like hell on the lady, it was so obvious, I wanted to throw up in the car.
The lady is also continuously chatting with the guy and it seems they have hit it off, oh glory for us all, we are seeing a match being made. Right before we reach our destination the guy decides to kick it up and says
"I am sure, aapke ghar mein (at your home), someone is upset and saying 'Who hurt my daughter?' he is a kamina, like your mom " [yes he did use this line on her, to check if she had a bf or not"
Without missing a beat the lady replies
"Mummy toh nahi but Saas zaroor bolegi" (Maybe not mom but my mother in law would say this)
Snap!
The guy's smile just turned into a frown and I could not stop laughing, I laughed so hard at the poor sod, he didn't say anything more to the lady.
This just proves two things
1:Women are sad who try to take advantage of sods
2:Men are maagas who will hit on women, any woman.
BTW, these 2 things just prove a couple of my laws.
So back to this incident, normally I return home in a shuttle/pool car/carpool etc, its basically boiled down to a choice of either stuffing yourself in a Maruti Omni, a shit van which runs on LPG and most are in shit conditions, 6 people sit in the back facing one another and one sits next to the driver. This car is the "legal" illegal pool car (don't ask this is a long story).
The other options range from a AC bus, which you rarely get to Innovas,Sumos and Indicas, which all charge less than the Omni but the Omni has a greater number of cars so its a bit of a tough choice to make, I found an Omni and decided to get in as I wanted to get home ASAP.
Now I was sitting next to one of the sliding doors and 3 other men were also seated, then this lady comes and wants to sit near the other sliding door as she fears about molestation and the like, I don't blame her, things like that do happen, but she fights with the other men and finally gets her wish.
Blabbering on the phone, this lady, decent enough for a bang tells the guy sitting next to him to "Close the door", the man does not think twice since he was gaping at the lady and slams the door, I am listening to music and then I hear shrieks and screams, the lady is screaming, "My fingers, my fingers", fucking chutia lady had rested her hand right on the ridge where the closes, and idiot man decided to shut the door on it as he was too busy gawking at chutia lady.
The driver stops the car immediately, the door is opened and I fear that the lady must have had some parts of her finger chopped off , my fear is justified when I see this other guy jump out of the car and starts searching for something.
I think to myself "Oh Fuck it, she lost some fingers, bloody hell"
The man comes back into the car , he went out to get his mobile and the mobile was safe even though it was run over by a bus, the lady's fingers were fine as well, just a little sore. Now this story would seem a little tragic, so the guy who slammed the door is apologizing profusely to her and asking her how is she and how are her fingers.
The other people give her advice from warm water to ice being applied on the fingers, the lady seems alright now, even taking part of the blame for putting her hand near the door. So for the rest of the journey, Maaga man, AKA Idiot Man AKA the guy who slammed the door, is hitting like hell on the lady, it was so obvious, I wanted to throw up in the car.
The lady is also continuously chatting with the guy and it seems they have hit it off, oh glory for us all, we are seeing a match being made. Right before we reach our destination the guy decides to kick it up and says
"I am sure, aapke ghar mein (at your home), someone is upset and saying 'Who hurt my daughter?' he is a kamina, like your mom " [yes he did use this line on her, to check if she had a bf or not"
Without missing a beat the lady replies
"Mummy toh nahi but Saas zaroor bolegi" (Maybe not mom but my mother in law would say this)
Snap!
The guy's smile just turned into a frown and I could not stop laughing, I laughed so hard at the poor sod, he didn't say anything more to the lady.
This just proves two things
1:Women are sad who try to take advantage of sods
2:Men are maagas who will hit on women, any woman.
BTW, these 2 things just prove a couple of my laws.
4th Law:No matter how beautiful or ugly a girl is,no matter what the
place or situation is,there will always be a maaga to hit on said girl.
1st Law:The total number of problems at any situation is directly proportional to the number of larkis present there.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Clap your hands and say "Yeah!"
Our college is certainly one which tries hard to make it better for the students. From the courses available to the faculty teaching us, not all of it is perfect, this ain't a perfect world but the work done is not half bad. There are a few massive glitches in this process though, the authorities expect us to be the next Branson or Mallya or Azim Premji, you catch my drift. We on the other hand are more close to becoming kameenas and all rather than becoming the great entrepreneurs people expect us to be.
We have these special corporate connect classes where eminent people from various backgrounds come and give us a session about what the industry wants, their experiences and teach us about stuff like the eurozone debt crises or at least they attempt to.
What happens often is the said external faculty is too freaking good for us, we have no idea what is being said not because the person has some funny accent, all Indians have funny accents, its because this person knows way too much and tries to teach us on a level which is on a par with the Harvards and MITs . Sadly we are not even close to that level cos none of us really want to study and learn stuff till we are in the deep end of the pool.
These sessions are long and tedious, I mean they are often so boring that I can sleep with my eyes open. Hell we even have learned how to shut off our senses, eyes ,ears and mind don't work for that 90 minute session. 90 minutes at least, it often extends longer, when we humans have an attention span of like 30 seconds and I have an attention span of like 10 seconds, that is not a good outing for either, the faculty or us.
So how do we combat the boredom and utter frustration of listening to people talk about stuff that goes over our head? We Clap, we clap like there is no end to the day. Often the faculty is introduced by a professor, so after he is done, everyone in our class, around 100 people clap like hell, for 2-3 minutes, till we are asked to stop, we clap, we cheer, we scream , we obliterate every decibel level for a corporate building and we destroy every bit of self esteem that person has and we act like the shameless punks we are.
If you think that doing this once was bad enough , we take it to another level when the person is done with his speech and a memento is given to him, then we go ballistic , clapping our asses off, the people who do come to talk to us start blushing and silently tries to walk away but we are never done with this kinda crap and continue clapping.
The final insult that could be provided is after the clapping, instead of letting out guest leave the class, we all pack our bags and rush out like school children rather than the mature 22+ year olds we are. Totally not caring for all authorita and seniority in the corporate world. Often these people never come back to the college and we all know why, now.
So there you have it, corporate world, get ready for an influx of hard clappers and abusers, coz we be invading offices starting January 2012, no wonder the world is ending in that year.
We have these special corporate connect classes where eminent people from various backgrounds come and give us a session about what the industry wants, their experiences and teach us about stuff like the eurozone debt crises or at least they attempt to.
What happens often is the said external faculty is too freaking good for us, we have no idea what is being said not because the person has some funny accent, all Indians have funny accents, its because this person knows way too much and tries to teach us on a level which is on a par with the Harvards and MITs . Sadly we are not even close to that level cos none of us really want to study and learn stuff till we are in the deep end of the pool.
These sessions are long and tedious, I mean they are often so boring that I can sleep with my eyes open. Hell we even have learned how to shut off our senses, eyes ,ears and mind don't work for that 90 minute session. 90 minutes at least, it often extends longer, when we humans have an attention span of like 30 seconds and I have an attention span of like 10 seconds, that is not a good outing for either, the faculty or us.
So how do we combat the boredom and utter frustration of listening to people talk about stuff that goes over our head? We Clap, we clap like there is no end to the day. Often the faculty is introduced by a professor, so after he is done, everyone in our class, around 100 people clap like hell, for 2-3 minutes, till we are asked to stop, we clap, we cheer, we scream , we obliterate every decibel level for a corporate building and we destroy every bit of self esteem that person has and we act like the shameless punks we are.
If you think that doing this once was bad enough , we take it to another level when the person is done with his speech and a memento is given to him, then we go ballistic , clapping our asses off, the people who do come to talk to us start blushing and silently tries to walk away but we are never done with this kinda crap and continue clapping.
The final insult that could be provided is after the clapping, instead of letting out guest leave the class, we all pack our bags and rush out like school children rather than the mature 22+ year olds we are. Totally not caring for all authorita and seniority in the corporate world. Often these people never come back to the college and we all know why, now.
So there you have it, corporate world, get ready for an influx of hard clappers and abusers, coz we be invading offices starting January 2012, no wonder the world is ending in that year.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Last Straw
Normally I write nonsensical , highly erratic, illogical blogs which people for some reason do read and comment about, I got at least 2 people who constantly ask me about my blog, something is better than nothing, right BP and Pranav? [Mallu men]
This time around its fucking personal, I am absolutely sick and tired of being treated like my religion has absolutely no dignity or it does not deserve respect, when I hear about people saying that "XYZ said this about Muslims " and "Muslims are looked at in a certain way", I normally end up saying that its probably your fault for doing something stupid and making us Muslims look bad, hell I even said it recently over some matrimonial issue came up but after today I am sure either the country ain't secular as they say it is or some individuals just can't bear to look at us.
Its not like I have not faced crap like this before , you think that well people from a certain lower class will not be able to look past all those terrorist organizations and well the attacks on civilians and all but you sure as fuck hope that learned individuals and organizations will learn to at least respect individuals and look at them for who they are and not for what they can be or what they represent, I am talking from a country that gives us a right to follow any religion we want, well what is the point in that when everytime I say my name people act like I just popped out with a ton of nude pictures of children, you get what I mean coz heaven forbid I write the "B" or "G" word, I will have caused a furore and the police will be knocking on my door tomorrow.
I hate it when people tell me or ask any other person of any religion "How religious are you?" is that a way to guage how good or bad a person is? Religion is to be followed just to make sure that we don't end up doing EVIL things, Karma is the best example I can come up with, hell I believe in Karma but that is irrelevant, I know I don't go to Mosques as often as I should, I do pray, frequently, at least thrice a day, more than most others I know, so why is it that I can't be part of some rituals and celebrations that the 2 days of a Muslim's life is reserved for?
Is it so much to ask for?
Plus Bakra-Eid is more about giving, well so is the first Eid ul Fitr, its about distributing to the poor, but I wont be allowed to do it this year because my college, again, for the 3rd time in 2 years decides to remain open when it is a national holiday to make matters worse I have an interview with a company, and based on how there are so many rules and regulations with the corporate placements and all of my esteemed college, I wont be able to skip this else I will be out of the placement cell.
You think people say stuff for no reason about institutes and I sure as hell have tried to protect my beloved institute from a lot of crap thrown at it from many people but there has to be a limit and well they have crossed it this time, I can forgive people once for forgetting Eid, twice, fine maybe they are ignorant but this is on the verge of being racist and inconsiderate.
I am thinking as I write this blog and went all ballistic in college today , hearing the news of an interview on Eid , what would I prefer,
Living in a secular nation with secular minds but quite a few pathetic sick and demeaning minds who give you no respect when you treat everyone equally
OR
Would I like to live in a nation where we can be declared as minorities and treated like em, where we would not be an "equal" religion and we would know what our position is in the social strata, where we would know that we are the downtrodden ones and can't look up unless we already are mega rich and powerful.
Right now, I can't give an answer but you can guess why I would want to work in the UAE or Malaysia.
This time around its fucking personal, I am absolutely sick and tired of being treated like my religion has absolutely no dignity or it does not deserve respect, when I hear about people saying that "XYZ said this about Muslims " and "Muslims are looked at in a certain way", I normally end up saying that its probably your fault for doing something stupid and making us Muslims look bad, hell I even said it recently over some matrimonial issue came up but after today I am sure either the country ain't secular as they say it is or some individuals just can't bear to look at us.
Its not like I have not faced crap like this before , you think that well people from a certain lower class will not be able to look past all those terrorist organizations and well the attacks on civilians and all but you sure as fuck hope that learned individuals and organizations will learn to at least respect individuals and look at them for who they are and not for what they can be or what they represent, I am talking from a country that gives us a right to follow any religion we want, well what is the point in that when everytime I say my name people act like I just popped out with a ton of nude pictures of children, you get what I mean coz heaven forbid I write the "B" or "G" word, I will have caused a furore and the police will be knocking on my door tomorrow.
I hate it when people tell me or ask any other person of any religion "How religious are you?" is that a way to guage how good or bad a person is? Religion is to be followed just to make sure that we don't end up doing EVIL things, Karma is the best example I can come up with, hell I believe in Karma but that is irrelevant, I know I don't go to Mosques as often as I should, I do pray, frequently, at least thrice a day, more than most others I know, so why is it that I can't be part of some rituals and celebrations that the 2 days of a Muslim's life is reserved for?
Is it so much to ask for?
Plus Bakra-Eid is more about giving, well so is the first Eid ul Fitr, its about distributing to the poor, but I wont be allowed to do it this year because my college, again, for the 3rd time in 2 years decides to remain open when it is a national holiday to make matters worse I have an interview with a company, and based on how there are so many rules and regulations with the corporate placements and all of my esteemed college, I wont be able to skip this else I will be out of the placement cell.
You think people say stuff for no reason about institutes and I sure as hell have tried to protect my beloved institute from a lot of crap thrown at it from many people but there has to be a limit and well they have crossed it this time, I can forgive people once for forgetting Eid, twice, fine maybe they are ignorant but this is on the verge of being racist and inconsiderate.
I am thinking as I write this blog and went all ballistic in college today , hearing the news of an interview on Eid , what would I prefer,
Living in a secular nation with secular minds but quite a few pathetic sick and demeaning minds who give you no respect when you treat everyone equally
OR
Would I like to live in a nation where we can be declared as minorities and treated like em, where we would not be an "equal" religion and we would know what our position is in the social strata, where we would know that we are the downtrodden ones and can't look up unless we already are mega rich and powerful.
Right now, I can't give an answer but you can guess why I would want to work in the UAE or Malaysia.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Bong man
Credit must be given where its due, with a Diwali release of his new movie, SRGay has whored the entire campaign and made it almost seem like he is running for election, now don't get me wrong , its not like I don't like the guy and his complete whoring about even saying that he would be at a marriage for all 3 days for a whopping 7 crores, I fucking hate him, he is in a long list of hate that I have, one day I will fix it.
Coming back, this entire bit of the greatest , most expensive movie ever made pisses me off, I hope the movie is a dud, I hope he never comes back to act in the lead role of the movie, I hope he never gets another hit, I hope he never gets to dance seductively with female stars who are half his age and like a 100 times whiter than he is or could ever be, I hope he has a 16 pack flab and it would go on and on and on, the movie however has provided me with something to write about.
SRGay, Hrithik and Amitabh Bachan to an extent have all acted as the Indian superheroes, not Shaktimaan esque but still Krish, Shanhenshah etc etc etc all are portrayed as THE Indian superhero but the sad fact is that they are not even close to being Indian or and Indian superhero. Got me thinking, I always wanted to be a superhero like Nightcrawler or Cyclops from the X men or have the money of Bruce Wayne or the massive complexes that Deadpool has [ do check out Deadpool] or no super powers but complete wit like Constantine [ not the Keanu Reeves version but the graphic novels], sure all these ideas are fun but what would a typical bong super hero be like? Well here he is , Bong Man
Obviously the alter ego, [real name and all] will start with S, seems ever bong I know is named with an S, when the professor starts the name call with S , it goes on and on and on, if not S then certainly the name will start with A
He will have a mustache, a badly kept one and will be going bald but for some reason he will have massive pride with the little hair he has on the head, thou shalt not comb but thou shalt not bald gracefully either.
His "spinach" would be ilish maach [fish] with beguni [fried brinjals] rice and dal, nothing would keep him down after downing a meal like that, of course he would go off for a good long doze after the meal for an hour or so, then he would have 200% energy and kick some ass.
The clothing would be the typical government working chap wearing a faded old shirt and trousers, flip flops and a briefcase, unlike Iron Man who has his suit in a case he carries, Bong Man would have old papers and receipts of all the purchases he has made in his adult life.
And the briefcase would still be wrapped in the plastic it was bought in, he would never remove the plastic, that would keep it a virgin forever , if someone dares to touch the plastic, he would use his greatest power, make a pout and become sad.
Every superhero is known for his impeccable timing and that is a similar trait followed by Bong man, unlike his counterparts he will always be late to any situation with the same excuse, "traffic cheelo" or just not bother to give a reason and start off with that IST, Indian slow time or some shit, always there at the party but just to clean up the mess when no one is there, our beloved Bong Man.
However he would, like almost every bong think he is some smart bloke with an Iq of a 150 and he would also have a view on every topic possible, from politics, red, to the fiscal policies of Uganda , he is a person immaculate with the worlds happenings, just that he has no idea of what is to be said about each thing except either to agree with it or disagree and use the same points over and over again just twisting the words here and there.
Our hero would also have a huge pot belly, perfect for those long bus rides, since he believes in public transport being the best, a crowded slow bus which would stop every 10 meters to pick up one passenger, the conductor would go "Go on inside there is a lot of space still left" when there are like 20 people hanging by the foot board of the bus, with the bus inclined to its right and whenever it would make a left turn the left side wheels would rise up almost a few inches.
Our Bong man would enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city, while he would stand right next to the female seats and give em a nice pelvic thrust with women screaming about "Gaye haath debe naa" [ Don't put hands on our bodies]
Another great ability would be of his to make sure that every great artist was bengali, from Tagore to Pierce Brosnan, from Kishore Kumar to Freddy Mercury, every one of them is bong and no one holds a candel to Tagore, no matter what field he or she is in.
But every great hero has its fallings, Bong man can never take part in a physical duel, he is too scared that his beautiful face will be shattered to a million pieces, a verbal duel? bring it on but proper fisticuffs? No fucking way.
Bong man is too lazy to do most things, and rather has a tendency to call for strikes at the smallest of reasons, he is part of a union where he is the head and he is the only member often complaining of low to no pay although he earns a salary greater than most middle class families live on, plus he gets subsidies.
Ah the Bong man, when shall we get the real bong hero we all want and deserve, maybe it is time for some one to rise up and take the challenge but then again, I bet he is too lazy to get up and make that costume I talked about.
Bong but not forgotten.
Coming back, this entire bit of the greatest , most expensive movie ever made pisses me off, I hope the movie is a dud, I hope he never comes back to act in the lead role of the movie, I hope he never gets another hit, I hope he never gets to dance seductively with female stars who are half his age and like a 100 times whiter than he is or could ever be, I hope he has a 16 pack flab and it would go on and on and on, the movie however has provided me with something to write about.
SRGay, Hrithik and Amitabh Bachan to an extent have all acted as the Indian superheroes, not Shaktimaan esque but still Krish, Shanhenshah etc etc etc all are portrayed as THE Indian superhero but the sad fact is that they are not even close to being Indian or and Indian superhero. Got me thinking, I always wanted to be a superhero like Nightcrawler or Cyclops from the X men or have the money of Bruce Wayne or the massive complexes that Deadpool has [ do check out Deadpool] or no super powers but complete wit like Constantine [ not the Keanu Reeves version but the graphic novels], sure all these ideas are fun but what would a typical bong super hero be like? Well here he is , Bong Man
Obviously the alter ego, [real name and all] will start with S, seems ever bong I know is named with an S, when the professor starts the name call with S , it goes on and on and on, if not S then certainly the name will start with A
He will have a mustache, a badly kept one and will be going bald but for some reason he will have massive pride with the little hair he has on the head, thou shalt not comb but thou shalt not bald gracefully either.
His "spinach" would be ilish maach [fish] with beguni [fried brinjals] rice and dal, nothing would keep him down after downing a meal like that, of course he would go off for a good long doze after the meal for an hour or so, then he would have 200% energy and kick some ass.
The clothing would be the typical government working chap wearing a faded old shirt and trousers, flip flops and a briefcase, unlike Iron Man who has his suit in a case he carries, Bong Man would have old papers and receipts of all the purchases he has made in his adult life.
And the briefcase would still be wrapped in the plastic it was bought in, he would never remove the plastic, that would keep it a virgin forever , if someone dares to touch the plastic, he would use his greatest power, make a pout and become sad.
Every superhero is known for his impeccable timing and that is a similar trait followed by Bong man, unlike his counterparts he will always be late to any situation with the same excuse, "traffic cheelo" or just not bother to give a reason and start off with that IST, Indian slow time or some shit, always there at the party but just to clean up the mess when no one is there, our beloved Bong Man.
However he would, like almost every bong think he is some smart bloke with an Iq of a 150 and he would also have a view on every topic possible, from politics, red, to the fiscal policies of Uganda , he is a person immaculate with the worlds happenings, just that he has no idea of what is to be said about each thing except either to agree with it or disagree and use the same points over and over again just twisting the words here and there.
Our hero would also have a huge pot belly, perfect for those long bus rides, since he believes in public transport being the best, a crowded slow bus which would stop every 10 meters to pick up one passenger, the conductor would go "Go on inside there is a lot of space still left" when there are like 20 people hanging by the foot board of the bus, with the bus inclined to its right and whenever it would make a left turn the left side wheels would rise up almost a few inches.
Our Bong man would enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city, while he would stand right next to the female seats and give em a nice pelvic thrust with women screaming about "Gaye haath debe naa" [ Don't put hands on our bodies]
Another great ability would be of his to make sure that every great artist was bengali, from Tagore to Pierce Brosnan, from Kishore Kumar to Freddy Mercury, every one of them is bong and no one holds a candel to Tagore, no matter what field he or she is in.
But every great hero has its fallings, Bong man can never take part in a physical duel, he is too scared that his beautiful face will be shattered to a million pieces, a verbal duel? bring it on but proper fisticuffs? No fucking way.
Bong man is too lazy to do most things, and rather has a tendency to call for strikes at the smallest of reasons, he is part of a union where he is the head and he is the only member often complaining of low to no pay although he earns a salary greater than most middle class families live on, plus he gets subsidies.
Ah the Bong man, when shall we get the real bong hero we all want and deserve, maybe it is time for some one to rise up and take the challenge but then again, I bet he is too lazy to get up and make that costume I talked about.
Bong but not forgotten.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The progressive regressive complex
I really could have labelled this post as a lot of other sick sad titles but I chose to go the safe route, confusing yet true.
What this topic is about is pedophilia, don't run away this is a big topic so remember the days when i blogged about a certain Nigel Mitra, ex teacher from my school?
Well he is back!
The puja in our complex has a lot of artists performing, Abhijit Sawant was one and on the final day we get another artist to perform. Today when I was having lunch at home , my mom comes and tells me "You know who is performing today?"
I don't really care and ask "who?"
Mom replies "An old STB teacher, Nigel Mitra"
I almost choke my food and had to gulp down half a bottle of water to put the food down.
"Mitra? Nigel Mitra?"
My parents are shocked as to why I was going about his name so much, my face is a mixture of anger and utter shock.
Mom goes " Haha someone was saying he was a child molester, what crap."
My expression does not change and I tell her "Ma, he did , he actually did".
While I see the function going on I get this cold feeling within me, I must let you know, I never actually had to study under said person, no pun intended but my friends knew what kinda sick show he is and probably was.
He is a good musician though and for some sick reason he has been playing this concert of sorts for now 4 hours straight, that's right, 4 hours of watching a sick pedo freak play songs on and on and on.
I try had to think as to why the hell is he playing for so long?
Then I take a peek from my window and I get the answer. Answers actually,aged between 6-12 years, kids are seated right in front of him and he is playing his ass off, sick freak.
The sad part is everyone in the complex knows about this yet no one objects to this, give him another chance? He is human after all?
This is just to show how much we have progressed as a community and society, no more shall we degrade and look down upon people who have been kicked out of their jobs because of pedophila, Oh no, we, Indians, Bongs will make sure that these people come to our flagship celebrations [ for this complex at least] and have a fucking blast and play their hearts content , in this case will play their hearts content and then have a good wank at night after watching the children "enjoy" his music.
We really have progressed to regress and become chaman chutias, all my friends from school would have ripped this "thing" to pieces and then burnt his remains and pissed on the ashes but here we are giving him a stage to perform, absolutely sick and pathetic this is.
So many puns were there , The Curious case of Nigel Mitra
Sweet creams old man
Old is certainly bold.
What a sad state of affairs this complex is. Pathetic
What this topic is about is pedophilia, don't run away this is a big topic so remember the days when i blogged about a certain Nigel Mitra, ex teacher from my school?
Well he is back!
The puja in our complex has a lot of artists performing, Abhijit Sawant was one and on the final day we get another artist to perform. Today when I was having lunch at home , my mom comes and tells me "You know who is performing today?"
I don't really care and ask "who?"
Mom replies "An old STB teacher, Nigel Mitra"
I almost choke my food and had to gulp down half a bottle of water to put the food down.
"Mitra? Nigel Mitra?"
My parents are shocked as to why I was going about his name so much, my face is a mixture of anger and utter shock.
Mom goes " Haha someone was saying he was a child molester, what crap."
My expression does not change and I tell her "Ma, he did , he actually did".
While I see the function going on I get this cold feeling within me, I must let you know, I never actually had to study under said person, no pun intended but my friends knew what kinda sick show he is and probably was.
He is a good musician though and for some sick reason he has been playing this concert of sorts for now 4 hours straight, that's right, 4 hours of watching a sick pedo freak play songs on and on and on.
I try had to think as to why the hell is he playing for so long?
Then I take a peek from my window and I get the answer. Answers actually,aged between 6-12 years, kids are seated right in front of him and he is playing his ass off, sick freak.
The sad part is everyone in the complex knows about this yet no one objects to this, give him another chance? He is human after all?
This is just to show how much we have progressed as a community and society, no more shall we degrade and look down upon people who have been kicked out of their jobs because of pedophila, Oh no, we, Indians, Bongs will make sure that these people come to our flagship celebrations [ for this complex at least] and have a fucking blast and play their hearts content , in this case will play their hearts content and then have a good wank at night after watching the children "enjoy" his music.
We really have progressed to regress and become chaman chutias, all my friends from school would have ripped this "thing" to pieces and then burnt his remains and pissed on the ashes but here we are giving him a stage to perform, absolutely sick and pathetic this is.
So many puns were there , The Curious case of Nigel Mitra
Sweet creams old man
Old is certainly bold.
What a sad state of affairs this complex is. Pathetic
Monday, October 3, 2011
That time of the year
Everybody in West Bengal goes crazy twice a year, once during Christmas , somehow ever bengali transforms themselves into a Christian and how this is the most important time of the year and of course the New Year when all cell phones crash from 11 Pm on 31st December and my inbox gets flooded at 8 AM in the morning on the 1st of January about "Oye its 5 minutes till the new year ,please forward this message to get Rs 5555 as your balance, do it to 20 people, it works, it really does"
Ummm fuck off, it does not. NEVER HAS.
The second time is during the Puja's which is just about bigger than Christmas and New year's in Calcutta. This is that time of the year when everyone goes absolute bonkers, buys a ton of new clothes, travels late into the night "pandal hopping" not hopping like a rabbit but going from one Pandal to another, drinking their ass off and doing general maagibaazi and maagabaazi with the excuse of going to said Pandals.
I don't go for all that Pandal hopping, not because my religion does not allow, which it does not allow but because I am a lazy fat arse who , if he had a chance, would spend the rest of his life working from home and even ordering the weekly shopping online but that is never gonna happen.
Since walking around in the heat of Calcutta for hours and then standing in a crowd to enter a pandal getting elbowed and pushed about and eating street food is off the list the other thing that is done by me during this one massive week away from college, yes 1 whole week, no college, this one week I spend time watching the massive functions that take place in my complex.
Now I don't know what are the days of the Puja called but for 5 days its all shows, shows and shows. Normally we have a Ghazal night, followed by a proper singer this year it was Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant , then they have a in house talent show, a night of Antakshari and finally the Dandiya night, every day its a pain as the noise levels are actually deafening and its the one time of the year I am excused from not opening the main door as "I really could not hear the bell".
Now I don't really enjoy these functions but I have to show my face at em , its like those lame ass family meetings, you hate em, you wish you could avoid em but you just can't. This whole function on paper should suck lame ass, it really should but it doesn't and here is why:
1: The Puja is always inaugurated by some ex star, Yukta Mukheey[ ok she was not a star], this year its Mahima Chaudhury and all, this means crazy people taking photos like Angelina Jolie just gave birth to a multi colored set of octuplets , laughable as people push and pull to get one measly photo with a star who actually does have better things to do but money talks, always.
2: The singing bit by say Sawant, people again go bonkers trying to pose and get a photo with him, probably did not get so much adulation when he was in Indian Idol. Then there are the requests, people randomly ask the singer to sing some songs which he/she probably cannot and will not do but is forced to improvise as again money talks.
3: The dancing, even though these Puja days are dry days and you can't get alcohol, you do get the uncles absolutely smashed dancing randomly with everyone and everything, even all alone when and if needed, the best moves I have seen?
One had raised up, clockwise rotation of entire body , 2 rotations, other hand up, anti clockwise rotation twice , now repeat for 20 minutes, take a break and then start again.
4: The long long long lines for vegetarian food, which I will never understand. Its fucking grass and weed and people make these huge lines just to get a taste of the said food when I can have a ton of KFC and chicken at home and really bloody enjoy the texture, do not gimme that crap that soya meat has similar taste and texture as chicken. Chicken is like premium gelato while soya meat is like that cheap frozen lolly you get on the street for 5 bucks.
5: Lastly , the music on DJ night, which is the same for all the dandiya nights, the songs are all remixed versions of hindi hits and the DJ is technically a guy who can operate a laptop with fade in and fade out, plus he can pause the music and shout out
"Raise you hands" or "Make some noise" or "Where are the girls?" or "Its time to party"
Yes, that is what we call a DJ in India.
Every year I get served with the same thing and every year I enjoy it, somethings never change.
Ummm fuck off, it does not. NEVER HAS.
The second time is during the Puja's which is just about bigger than Christmas and New year's in Calcutta. This is that time of the year when everyone goes absolute bonkers, buys a ton of new clothes, travels late into the night "pandal hopping" not hopping like a rabbit but going from one Pandal to another, drinking their ass off and doing general maagibaazi and maagabaazi with the excuse of going to said Pandals.
I don't go for all that Pandal hopping, not because my religion does not allow, which it does not allow but because I am a lazy fat arse who , if he had a chance, would spend the rest of his life working from home and even ordering the weekly shopping online but that is never gonna happen.
Since walking around in the heat of Calcutta for hours and then standing in a crowd to enter a pandal getting elbowed and pushed about and eating street food is off the list the other thing that is done by me during this one massive week away from college, yes 1 whole week, no college, this one week I spend time watching the massive functions that take place in my complex.
Now I don't know what are the days of the Puja called but for 5 days its all shows, shows and shows. Normally we have a Ghazal night, followed by a proper singer this year it was Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant , then they have a in house talent show, a night of Antakshari and finally the Dandiya night, every day its a pain as the noise levels are actually deafening and its the one time of the year I am excused from not opening the main door as "I really could not hear the bell".
Now I don't really enjoy these functions but I have to show my face at em , its like those lame ass family meetings, you hate em, you wish you could avoid em but you just can't. This whole function on paper should suck lame ass, it really should but it doesn't and here is why:
1: The Puja is always inaugurated by some ex star, Yukta Mukheey[ ok she was not a star], this year its Mahima Chaudhury and all, this means crazy people taking photos like Angelina Jolie just gave birth to a multi colored set of octuplets , laughable as people push and pull to get one measly photo with a star who actually does have better things to do but money talks, always.
2: The singing bit by say Sawant, people again go bonkers trying to pose and get a photo with him, probably did not get so much adulation when he was in Indian Idol. Then there are the requests, people randomly ask the singer to sing some songs which he/she probably cannot and will not do but is forced to improvise as again money talks.
3: The dancing, even though these Puja days are dry days and you can't get alcohol, you do get the uncles absolutely smashed dancing randomly with everyone and everything, even all alone when and if needed, the best moves I have seen?
One had raised up, clockwise rotation of entire body , 2 rotations, other hand up, anti clockwise rotation twice , now repeat for 20 minutes, take a break and then start again.
4: The long long long lines for vegetarian food, which I will never understand. Its fucking grass and weed and people make these huge lines just to get a taste of the said food when I can have a ton of KFC and chicken at home and really bloody enjoy the texture, do not gimme that crap that soya meat has similar taste and texture as chicken. Chicken is like premium gelato while soya meat is like that cheap frozen lolly you get on the street for 5 bucks.
5: Lastly , the music on DJ night, which is the same for all the dandiya nights, the songs are all remixed versions of hindi hits and the DJ is technically a guy who can operate a laptop with fade in and fade out, plus he can pause the music and shout out
"Raise you hands" or "Make some noise" or "Where are the girls?" or "Its time to party"
Yes, that is what we call a DJ in India.
Every year I get served with the same thing and every year I enjoy it, somethings never change.
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